Save Me
by Lady Cookie-Monster
Summary: Logan hoped that he could still depend on his friends- his ex-friends- to help him out when he needed it. He couldn't… They stopped caring. And now all four of them would pay the price. warning: Character Death.
1. Prologue: I'm Sorry

**a/n: New chapter fic WHOO :D I actually really LOVE this story, I've been working on it for a while and I wanted to wait until I actually finished the whole thing to post it to ff but I couldn't wait anymore lol. So yay for lack of self control! Anyways, this story is dedicated to my big sissy Laura (aka Miss Fenway) aka the Ultimate Lover of Logan Angst - which this story is full of. But it's also angsty for the other boys so that's fun -shot- okay enough of my ramblings! Long story short, this is "Save Me" and I hope you all enjoy! I don't own anything. **

**Prologue**  
><em>A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar; they're worth so much more after I'm a goner. And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing. Funny when you're dead how people start listening - The Band Perry, 'If I Die Young'<em>

Everyone always expected the weather on days like this to be dark and dreary. Rain falling from the blackened clouds, a light mist encasing the whole town. One of those days that just egged on the depressing setting.

Today was not one of those days. The sun was shining and birds were chirping, completely contradicting everyone dressed in black, tears falling from their faces. There was a black cloud cast over their hearts, it just went unseen by the naked eye. Today was a dark day, despite the weather. It was a day of loss.  
>Everyone was silent, taking in the words said by the minister before them. "Today," he started, sorrow evident in his voice. "We acknowledge a really terrible loss. Today we come together to remember the life of Logan Phillip Mitchell. Although we know he had so much life left in him, we thank God for the seventeen years he did have. Let us pray."<p>

In the back of the funeral, behind the group of people mourning Logan's death, were three young men. Their eyes were red from lack of sleep and the tears they had been shedding, and their hair was messy and unkempt. Their hearts were hurting more than a bullet to the brain. But the difference between their sorrow and everybody else's is that theirs was from guilt.  
>It was their fault Logan was dead.<p>

"Heavenly Father," the minister started the prayer. The three boys bowed their heads in suit with everyone else. "The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more." he paused to let everyone intake those words before closing his Bible and continuing. "May the Lord watch over our hearts in this dark time. In His name we pray, amen."

"Amen." everyone murmured, their voices low.

"And now, as a final goodbye to Logan," the minister said. "You may all step forward to place your rose on his grave.

The boys were barely aware they were holding the white roses but it was brought back to their attention when the minister mentioned them. As much as they didn't want to, they started to move forward, towards the front of the funeral. They felt everyone's eyes searing holes into them but they didn't stop. It was like they were on autopilot.

One by one, they knelt before Logan's grave looking over his headstone one more time as if they didn't already have it memorized.

_Here lies Logan Phillip Mitchell._  
><em>Loved son and friend.<em>  
><em>Gone but not forgotten.<em>

One of them reached out to touch it, his fingers tracing over the flawless marble. Tears stung at his eyes as he whispered, "I'm sorry."


	2. Chapter One: The Grande Finale

**a/n: HUGE thanks to TrailBlazerFan4Life and Miss Fenway for reviewing the prologue :D now things start to pick up and get a little crazy and a lotta angsty - hope you all enjoy :D I don't own anything.**

**Chapter One**  
><em>Skies are crying, I am watching, catching teardrops in my hands. Only silence has it's ending like we never had a chance. Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me? - Demi Lovato, "Skyscraper"<em>

**_one week ago._**

Some days, Logan Mitchell wished that his eyes just wouldn't open.

At first he wasn't sure if that meant he wanted to die, but after a few weeks he decided that blissful death would be more endearing than the life he was living now. He was alone and depressed, and all he wanted was to be loved. Was that too much to ask? Would death be too much to ask? A life of peace, no stress, and acceptance... would that be too much to ask?

The loud screeching of his alarm clock let Logan know that once again his wishes didn't come true. No surprise there- wishes never came true.

He laid in bed a moment, waiting for what he knew wouldn't come. In most households, kids had at least one parent checking in on them, making sure they had woken up in time for school. Logan hoped that one day his dad would at least peak his head in through the door, calling to see if he was awake. But that never happened, furthermore egging on Logan's reasons for not wanting to get up anymore.

But just the same as everyday, Logan forced himself out of bed, into the shower, and then to get dressed. He forced himself to eat breakfast even though he barely had an appetite anymore. He forced himself to put his unfinished homework- what was the point of doing homework anymore?- into his book bag. His dad would be leaving for work by now unless he was gone already, barely saying a word to Logan in the process; and his mom, even though she moved across town after the divorce, Logan knew she was still asleep since she probably got in late from the office.

It was every morning like this Logan felt so alone.

Then there was school, which Logan liked to describe as Hell on earth. Ever since he lost his three best friends, Kendall, James, and Carlos, everyday had been a nightmare to him. He was forced to face the kids who had been picking on him for years all alone.

Logan had always been bullied. And although he prided himself in being able to ignore the harsh words said to him, he new that deep down it all hurt the same. He wasn't strong, he was weak. He acted like nothing phased him, like he didn't care, but that was the thing- it was all an act.

When he was younger, he always had Kendall, James, and Carlos to help him when he needed it. Whether they were beating someone up for him, or simply defending him, he knew he could always count on them.

Not anymore. Now , he was alone. And that hurt more than anything.

Kendall had been the first to drop him, then James, and finally Carlos. Now the four of them didn't even acknowledge each other. But even though their fighting, or simply ignorance of one another, Logan hoped that he could still depend on his friends- his ex-friends- to help him out when he needed it.

He couldn't. They stopped caring.

And now all four of them would pay the price.

It was raining when Logan started his walk to school, but he didn't care. He let the rain beat on him, soak him to the bone as he treaded on. He was about halfway there when a car drove by him. It stopped at the light at the end of the street and when Logan reached the corner, he took a glance at the car.

Kendall was inside. At first the blonde boy didn't notice Logan's blatant stare in his direction but when he turned his head, he stared back for a moment.

Logan felt his stomach drop when he made eye contact with his ex-best friend and then it churned when Kendall slammed on his gas pedal, taking off down the street and going through a puddle on the way, sending a steam of water spraying on Logan.

The raven haired boy stood there, motionless, then reached into his backpack, his fingers curling around the only thing in his bag.

For once, he couldn't wait to get to school.

Logan had first period math, and James was in that class with him. After they had stopped talking, and James had gotten his seat moved away from him, things were just awkward. Of course, Logan still tried to talk to him, still tried to help him with his work. Countless times, James just shot him down but that didn't stop Logan from trying.

Today was different however. When he walked into his classroom, he went straight to his seat, he sat right down, and took out his binder. He didn't even look in James' direction. Part of him, the part that held onto the tiny sliver of hope, was wishing that James would noticed Logan's change in behavior and ask him if something was wrong. But the most he got from him was a few glances in his direction but nothing more.

Logan should learn to not be so disappointed anymore.

Class ended and the day went on. Logan walked through the hallways, his shoulders constantly getting bumped by the students passing him. It was like he wasn't really there, like he was invisible or something.

Like he didn't matter.

And for once in his life, he actually agreed with that.

The day went by like a blur and before he knew it, it was lunch time. Logan had lunch with Carlos and Kendall. James used to be in their lunch but third marking period, he got his classes switched so he had a different lunch. Logan was so used to sitting with Carlos and Kendall that he still walked over to their old table and sat there, expecting Carlos and Kendall to join him. They never did.

Kendall was the first to leave them. He took to sitting with the hockey team, as they all adored him, since he was the captain. Logan would see Carlos floating around from table to table, not really having a place to call his own, and it just broke Logan's heart. Why couldn't he just come sit with him again? Oh right, Logan remembered- the four of them were broken beyond repair.

Or maybe they could've been repaired if Logan wasn't the only one that cared.

The raven haired boy turned around so his back away against the table and hoisted his book bag into his lap. He stuck his hand inside and felt a chill up his spine when he grasped the cold metal, and used his finger to flick the safety off.

It was show time…

Walking down the hall, James saw Logan in the cafeteria. Normally he wouldn't give the boy a second glance but there was something about the way he was sitting, staring off into space with a blank look on his face. James' walk slowed down until he was just standing there and he watched Logan carefully and curiously as he walked out to the middle of the cafeteria, using one hand to hold up his book bag which was concealing his other hand. He stopped moving and dropped his bag. James couldn't see what Logan was holding, but one student's outcry explained it all.

"He's got a gun!"

Complete hysteria broke out like an epidemic. Everyone in the cafeteria ducked under their tables. Teachers tried to usher out as many kids as they could, and try to get help at the same time. Nobody dared to get near Logan. Many watched in horror, fear, and awe as he stood there, marveling the gun in his hand. James, however, ran into the cafeteria, passing the teacher who tried to pull him into hiding with the rest of the kids cowering in the corner with him and neared his old friend.

"Logan!" the smaller boy turned his head in James' direction, his eyes swimming with tears. James eyed the gun warily. "Logan, what are you doing?" he asked slowly.  
>Logan's smile was completely out of place, along with the short chuckle that escaped his lips. "James, you always told me that the world is a stage and we're all actors." he replied softly. "Well this…" Logan passed the gun from one hand to another. James' heart nearly stopped. "This is the grand finale."<p> 


	3. Chapter Two: Dying To Be Heard

**a/n: wanted to give ya'll an update before I left for senior trip! Four days in sunny Florida… CANT WAIT :D but yeah enough about me; so this chapter is… kinda short and... yeah, I don't even know what to say other than I'm sorry I guess :p you'll find out why at the end. And um yeah. ENJOY! Also, thanks to Baxxie, bubzchoc, and Miss Fenway for the lovely and encouraging reviews :") And once again: I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Two**  
><em>Well I'm thinking of the worst things that I could say to you, but a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore. And this never will be right with me, and now you're trying desperately but I'm tongue tied and terrified of what I'll say - Mayday Parade, "I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About"<em>

The funny thing about depression is, you don't know why you're depressed. You don't know how to be happy again, you don't know how to make the pain go away. If that was the case, then Logan wasn't depressed. He knew why he was hurting and he knew what would make him feel better. For the longest time, he believed that he, Carlos, Kendall, and James becoming friends again would fix him. But now he believed something entirely different.

Now, he just believed that death would bring him peace.

When he first pulled the gun out, he couldn't control a single thought going through his head. He expected everyone to freak out the way they did, but he didn't expect James to actually step forward like he cared. But Logan knew he didn't.

"Logan," a shaky and scared voice snapped him out of his thoughts. The raven haired boy turned in the direction of the voice, his chest heaving with so many feelings- anger, frustration, fear, sadness- and it didn't get any better when he saw he was staring into the eyes of one of his old best friend.

There were a few moments in his life that James would never forget and his ex-best friend holding a guy was definitely one of them. This was something he couldn't even imagine in his wildest thoughts. He was so confused and scared. What on earth was Logan doing with a gun? "Logan, what are you doing?" he repeated.

"I told you James, it's the grand finale." Logan said, emotion completely void from his voice. He sounded like a robot, programmed to act this way.

"What does that mean?" James asked. "Logan that- that thing isn't loaded is it?"

Logan smirked sort of sadistically and it scared James even more than the fact that he was holding a gun. "Let's find out." he said and started to raise the gun to the air.

"Logan-" James was interrupted by a gunshot firing. He visibly flinched and backed up away from Logan while everyone screamed in terror.

Logan pulled the trigger again, firing another shot in the air. "Believable enough for you?" he asked James, who had covered his ears. "Or do you need one more to be thoroughly convinced?"

"Logan stop it!" a different voice said. James and Logan both looked off to the side to see Carlos crawling out from under one of the tables. "Logie, please. You're not thinking clearly." Carlos told him, trying to remain calm. "Just- just put the gun down and it'll be ok."

"Ok?" Logan asked. "What do you know about me being ok, Carlos? You haven't talked to me all year!" Carlos swallowed thickly and wrung his hands together. "But what does that matter, right?" Logan asked him, then looked back to James. "I don't matter to you guys anymore, right?"

"You're wrong Logan!" another new voice said. This time it was Kendall. He crawled out from under another table and warily walked over to the boy with the gun.

"Oh look, it's a reunion." Logan said, sarcasm dripping from his lips. "Tell me, did you guys even think this would happen again- the four of us together in a room? The same room, by the way, because that hasn't even happened in months. Did you even think we would talk again? Or did you ever imagine that it would take me with a gun to bring us back together?"

"Logan is that what this is about?" James asked him.

"It's just everything James!" Logan cried. "I can't do this anymore! I can't do this alone!"

"Do what Logie?" Carlos asked quietly.

"Don't call me Logie." Logan seethed and Carlos jumped back in surprise. "You haven't called me that since we stopped being friends, don't even think of calling me that now!"  
>"Logan, we just want to help you." Kendall insisted.<p>

"You haven't wanted to help me in months." Logan replied. "Why do you care now?" The other three didn't know how to reply to that. Everything Logan was saying was true and it was starting to make them more nervous… was it their fault he was doing this?

"Logan, just put the gun down and we'll talk." James told him.

"Yeah you don't want to do anything drastic." Carlos added, and Logan just rolled his eyes in reply to that.

"Logan, please just listen to us." Kendall said, trying to reason with him.

Logan scoffed. "Oh you are one to talk about listening." he told him. "All three of you! You have no right to tell me to listen to you when you've haven't been listening to me! You know guys, some people are just dying to be heard!" Logan yelled at them, causing the four boys to flinch. "But you just don't get it. You never did, and now I guess you never will." he added in a whisper.

"Logan-"

"No, you guys just don't understand!" Logan cut Kendall off. "I- I feel like I could be screaming as loud as I could but no one would hear me; you guys wouldn't hear me!"  
>James and the guys felt completely horrible right now, but they were also confused. Why was Logan so caught up on the three of them? They weren't the most important people in the world.<p>

What they didn't realize was that they were the most important people in his world. And that had been the problem from the very start.

"Logan, we can fix this." Carlos said in a shaky voice. "Just- just put the gun down."  
>Logan shook his head. "Maybe now you guys will finally realize." he cocked the gun, the sound forever echoing in everyone's minds.<p>

"You don't want to do this, man." James whispered.

Logan let out a humorless chuckle. "It's too late. Like you ever cared." he whispered then put the gun to his forehead, pinching his eyes shut, the last of his tears falling down his cheeks.

"Logan no!" Carlos' screams were drowned out by the sound of the trigger being pulled, the gun firing… the bullet entered Logan's head, killing him instantly. He crumpled to the ground, blood pooling from his head. His face looked relaxed, as if he were asleep but the boys knew otherwise.

Logan was dead.

Shock filled James', Kendall's, and Carlos' bodies and none of them could move. They were frozen, barely breathing or blinking. They could only stare at Logan, hoping that he would somehow make it though this. That somehow his chest would rise with even the littlest breaths, that he would let out a cry of pain… anything to let them know he was alive.

Taylor Swift said it best when she said, "maybe this is wishful thinking".


	4. Chapter Three: His Blood On Your Hands

**a/n: whoo- weekend update! :D so yeah, more angst in this chapter, as if you couldn't guess that already haha. In fact, one of my favorite moments so far is in this chapter -shot- and there's also a reference to another awesome fanfic by a good friend of mine (cough Miss Fenway cough) in this, so brownie points to Gryffindor for anyone who can guess what it is :D Special thanks to: Miss Fenway, bibcock, LillViolinist, TheGodsAreOnMySide, and TexasSupernaturalCowgirl for reviewing -heart shaped pizza- And I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Three**  
><em>For better or worse, you're the one I never thought I'd hurt. But looking back on these dreams nothing is what it seems; know that you'll wake up to better things - Boyce Avenue, "Briane"<em>

Life is defined by moments- little moments that make or break everything. Little moments like the phone call Joanne Mitchell received at eleven fifty five am…

It was a slow day at her office, nobody was leasing or selling any houses today so she took this opportunity to get done any stray paperwork she abandoned in the past week and she was on the phone with her business partner, Margie, talking about who would deal with the paperwork for the Henderson house that was beings old next week. So far, her day was going well; nothing remotely bad or stressful had happened and every time she looked at the picture on her desk, it reminded her that on Saturday she would be going to dinner with her son, Logan. It would be their first one-on-one time in over a month.

Then her cell phone had rung. It was under a pile of folders so she had to dig for it but when she finally found it, she recognized the number as from Logan's school. "Margie? I'm gonna have to call you back." she hung up the work phone and answered her cell phone. "Hello?… Yes, this is Ms. Mitchell… I'm sorry, what about my son?"

* * *

><p>Sitting at the police station was nerve wracking and scary, even though they weren't in trouble. Kendall, Carlos, and James were seated around an interrogation table, not speaking a word to anybody. They had just been brought in for questioning about what happened in school but they had just shut down completely, not wanting to tell the story to anybody. They were a wreck enough just thinking about it- Carlos still had tears dripping down his cheeks, sniffling every now and again; James was fiddling with the sleeve of his shirt, clenching his hands in fists; and Kendall was staring blankly ahead at the wall before him. They kept their heads low and blood was splattered on their shirts, jeans, and hands, it was dried and cracked. Logan's blood was on them…<p>

* * *

><p><strong>one hour ago.<strong>

_When Logan's body hit the floor, it was like he was moving in slow motion. Carlos, Kendall, and James couldn't take their eyes off of him as he crumpled to the ground, landing on his side. The gun flew from his hand, sliding to the boys' feet. At a first glance, it looked like they were the ones that kill him. But at a first glance, it wasn't obvious that they were the ones that killed Logan indirectly. They had stopped caring about him and this was the outcome. As much as they didn't want to admit it, they knew it was true. They could still hear Logan's words echoing in their heads._

_'You know guys, some people are just dying to be heard!'_

_'But you just don't get it. You never did, and now I guess you never will.'_

_'I- I feel like I could be screaming as loud as I could but no one would hear me; you guys _  
><em>wouldn't hear me!'<em>

_'Maybe now you guys will finally realize.'_

_'It's too late. Like you ever cared.'_

_"Logan?" the name alone hurt like hell to say, and it was even harder to choke out. Carlos' chest felt tight, like his heart was having trouble beating properly._

_"Is he…"James swallowed, unable to finish the question in fear of the answer._

_"I think so." Kendall's voice sounded foreign to his own ears, like it was detached from his body._

_"No." Carlos shook his head. "It's not - it's not possible - Logan can't be…" the Latino couldn't finish a complete thought; they were going around his head like wildfire as he tried to grasp the reality of what just happened. It couldn't be real, Logan couldn't have just killed himself. It had to be a dream, a sick and twisted dream. "This can't be real." he heard himself whisper. "Logan… he can't be dead."_

_"Carlos-"_

_"No, he can't be dead!" Carlos insisted, cutting Kendall off. "He just- he can't be!" he surprised them by dropping to his knees, a puddle of Logan's blood seeping into his clothing, and he grabbed the raven haired boy's body. His hands roamed around, searching for a pulse. "James!" the brunette flinched when Carlos' teary eyes landed on him. "You know CPR, you can help him!" Hearing Carlos say that simply broke everyone's hearts._

_Carlos was right, Logan had taught James how to do CPR after an unfortunate fishing accident one summer. James remembered that summer clearly- he had been afraid to place a toe in the lake, in fear of drowning, again until Logan taught him CPR and he stopped being afraid. But despite the voice in the back of his head telling him that his attempts would be useless, James found himself on his knees, hands on Logan's chest, pressing down on it and counting out loud as he compressed the boy's chest. "One, two, three, four…"_

_Kendall didn't know why or when, but he was kneeling by Logan's side was well. "C'mon Logan, open your eyes." he pleaded softly. "Please bro, just open your eyes." Kendall hadn't called Logan 'bro' or anything of the sort since they had stopped being friends, and the word alone made his eyes well up with tears._

_"It's not working." James choked out. "He's not-" he cut himself off, unable to finish the statement, the words getting caught in his throat._

_"It has to work, Logan can't be dead!" Carlos sobbed, shaking his head. "He just can't be!"_

_"Guys, we're going to need you to step away from the body." an authoritative, but gentle voice said. The three boys turned their heads and saw a police officer standing over them._

_"C'mon, just come with me-"_

_"No, we can't leave him." Kendall said firmly, despite the tears rolling down his cheeks._

_"He's gonna be ok, just give him some time."_

_"Son, I'm sorry." the officer said mournfully. "But your friend is-"_

_"No, he's not!" Kendall cried, nearly hysterical. "He's going to be ok, he has to be ok!"_

_"Kendall's right." James stuttered. "He- he has to be ok."_

_Everyone watching around them felt nothing but sorrow for the boys, mourning over Logan's body like that. The officer sighed sadly and knelt down beside them. "It's going to be alright." he told them._

_"Is he going to be alright though?" Carlos asked, sniffling._

_The officer sighed again, rubbing his temples and turned around just as backup was coming in, Officer Garcia amongst them. He quickly pointed out his son and rushed over to him. "Guys, you're going to want to come with me." he said, warily eyeing Logan._

_"Papi, is he going to be ok?" Carlos asked, choking off a sob._

_Officer Garcia took another look at Logan and briefly closed his eyes. "Mijo, just come with me." he reached down to pull his son away from Logan, but Carlos started to struggle._

_"No, we can't leave him! He has to wake up and we have to apologize-"_

_"Carlos, he isn't going to wake up." Officer Garcia hated himself for being so blunt but it was the only way to get the point across to his son and his friends. Logan was gone and they needed to realize that._

_"He is!" James insisted, crying a fresh set of tears, struggling against the officer trying to him out of the cafeteria like Officer Garcia was doing to Carlos._

_"He has to!" Kendall added, battling his own officer._

_It took Officer Garcia and the two other police officers five straight minutes to drag three sobbing teenage boys away from their fallen friend._

* * *

><p>Kendall ran a hand through his hair and then grimaced, remembering that his hand had Logan's blood on it still. He brought his hand back down in front of his face and stared at it a moment, harsh memories of the afternoon coming to mind, despite his struggles to keep them at bay.<p>

"I didn't make a call before." Kendall told the guard who was in the room with them. It was the first time he spoke up in an hour. "I'd like to make it now."

The guard nodded and walked him into the office where the phone was. Kendall took a seat at the desk and quickly dialed a number, his hands shaking. He was feeling his composure shatter as he did so. As soon as he heard the 'click' on the other line, tears began to fall down his cheeks. "Mom?" his voice shook and cracked with emotion. "S-something happened… Logan, he's…" Kendall choked on a sob. "Mommy, I really need you right now."

* * *

><p><em>"No! Not my baby!" as the three boys were being hauled out of the cafeteria, they heard screaming- correction: screaming and crying. They turned their heads and saw Logan's mom on her knees as close to Logan's body as the police officers would let her, sobbing her heart out. "Not my baby!" she kept repeating through her sobs. "Oh, God, why?"<em>

_It killed the boys to know that it was their fault Ms. Mitchell had lost her only son._

* * *

><p>"Did they tell Ms. Mitchell?" Carlos asked in the interrogation room. He and James were still seated in there while Kendall made his phone call. The officer in the room looked surprised when he talked; nobody expected any of them to speak for a while now. "Did they… did they tell her that Logan… what he did to himself?" he asked.<p>

"Yeah, she knows." the officer said. "After they cleaned him up at the hospital, they told her what happened."

Carlos looked over at James, who lowered his head down onto the table, hiding his face from the world. A few seconds later and his shoulder started to shake with sobs.

Carlos wanted to reach out to him but when looked down at his hands, he suddenly felt his stomach churn when he saw the remains of Logan's blood on them. "Can I go to the bathroom please?" he asked quietly. The officer nodded and let him out of the room, showing him where the bathroom was. When Carlos arrived there, he leaned against the closed door, trying to regain his breath for a moment before going over to the sink. He turned the tap on and stuck his hands under it, trying not to notice the way the pink tinted water filled the sink.

His hand may be clean, but his conscious never would be…


	5. Chapter Four: Last Words

**a/n: hello all :D omg let me just say that I really love this chapter okay, the angst and all, and the song I used ("Last Words" by Ice Nine Kills) is like the theme song of this story so I recommend listening to it (: of course you don't have to, I just like it lol. Also, Logan mentions a passage he got in health class- I actually got it and it inspired this chapter greatly (and it was a pain to find on Google so I didn't have to retype the whole thing lol), so shoutout to my health teacher! And as always thanks goes out to: Logan Henderson is Mine and bubzchoc for leaving reviews :D But enough of me rambling, here's chapter four! I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Four**  
><em>Across town, his dad wakes up all alone, never knowing he was never going to come home. The last thought that filled his head, "I'll tell him I'm sorry, I'll say I regret what I said. It's your life. I'll live my own life instead." - Ice Nine Kills, "Last Words"<em>

Ray Mitchell was tired, physically and mentally. Ever since he heard about what happened with Logan, he jus couldn't do anything. He couldn't think, breathe, sleep- anything. It was just too hard to believe that it happened, that his son killed himself. He felt sick thinking about it, drained from life in fact. And he wanted nothing more than to go back in time to figure out where it all went wrong.

Where he went wrong…

It had been almost two days since Logan's death. The funeral was this weekend- a closed casket ceremony as per request of him and Joanne. They wanted Logan to be remembered by the way people looked at him everyday. But for the past two days it was impossible to do anything but. Ray couldn't get Logan's image out of his mind if he tried. Every time he closed his eyes, slept, had a free moment to himself all he thought about was Logan. It almost hurt to think about him.

Ray picked up his briefcase, clicking it open in hopes to find something to keep him distracted for a while. As he was rifling through his papers, he came across something he hadn't seen before. It was lined school paper, folded neatly and placed inside his briefcase. Carefully, he picked up the paper, unfolded it, and let his eyes travel across the page.

_Dear Dad,_

_Today in health class my teacher gave us this passage to read… and it made me think of you. Actually, it made me think of what I wanted you to be. Before I confuse you anymore, here's what we read:_

_Balancing family and career calls for tough, unselfish choices. If you make the right ones you'll look back with joy, not regret. John Ortberg writes: 'A friend of mine is a professional musician. For many years he made his living on the road. He was becoming increasingly successful. Then three years ago he became a father. He was on the road about half the time. He realized that when his daughter was about a year old she hardly knew him. He knew he needed to make a change but it was frightening to him. What if his career slowed to a crawl? What if being home more, actually made life harder? He took a job as the head of a music department at a university. He still performs, but he travels now only a fraction of the time. His relationship with his daughter has become a source of pride and joy in his life that he otherwise never would have known. He did have to let go of some of his old dreams, but he has since recorded a bestselling CD and been nominated for a Grammy. Most importantly, he realizes his daughter will grow up a fundamentally different human being now, than she would have if she had grown up with a hole in her heart where her father was supposed to be. By the end of his life he will have a title that means much more to him than Rock Star. The title is "Dad!"_

_It was weird because the whole time I was reading this, I was thinking of you. When I was little, you used to be my rock star dad. I was so proud of you and everything you did, but most of all, I was proud to call you my dad. But something happened after a couple of years, and I really don't know what that was. You became distant, stopped being around as much. It really hurt dad, and I really missed you. I still miss you. After you and mom separated, things didn't get any better. It was like you didn't even exist. It was like your work was more important than me. And I just wanted to know… why?_

_Was it something I said or did? Is it too late to take it back? Don't answer that because I know it is. It's too late. And now all I can say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry that sometimes I feel like in your eyes, I'm just a pair of dice and I'll never be number one. I'm sorry I couldn't distract you from your work long enough for you to see that something was wrong, that there was still a chance to save me. I'm just sorry._

_But I'm not blaming you dad, and I never will. It's not your fault. It's only mine and I can accept that. Just remember that no matter what happens, I love you._

_-Logan_

It wasn't until small droplets appeared on the paper that Ray realized he was crying. And pretty hard too; his shoulders began to shake and he felt a pain in his chest, in his heart. He held his head up with one hand and the other held Logan's letter, pressing it close to his heart. It was all he could do to keep from breaking down completely.

* * *

><p>Kendall's mom convinced him to go to Logan's house and "express his condolences" to Mr. Mitchell. He agreed without a fight but the whole time he spent walking there, he couldn't stop thinking of Logan. He couldn't get the boy's last words out of his head no matter how hard he tried. They haunted him day and night, and son there was a little voice in the back of his mind that was saying it was all his fault.<p>

He forced himself to stop thinking about it when he neared Logan's house and saw James standing at the edge of the driveway. He was surprised to say the least and he walked over to him. James looked at him briefly and turned back tot look at the house. "I remember this is where we taught Logan to skate in the third grade." he said softly. "Right here, in his driveway."

"He skinned both his knees his first try." Kendall added in the same soft tone.

"Yeah," James chuckled but then it was like something clicked inside of him and reminded him that he and Kendall weren't friends anymore, and his smile fell. "So what are you doing here?" he asked in the stiff tone he always used with Kendall whenever they talked.

Kendall hated that voice, it made him feel like he was a stranger. But then he remembered that for over a year, that's all he and James were. Strangers. "Uh, my mom wanted me to express my condolences." he told him.

"Yeah, same." James nodded. Kendall bit his lip, unsure as to what to say next but thankfully he was saved when Carlos walked up. James noticed him and turned in his direction, looking at the glass dish in his hands. "Sympathy food?" he asked with an amused smirk.

"My mom made arroz con pollo for Mr. Mitchell and asked me to bring it over." he explained. "Something about food being comforting if you don't know what to say."

"Do you know what to say?" Kendall asked him.

Carlos paused. "Not a clue." he admitted.

"I know what you mean." James said, turning to look back at Logan's house, a distant look on his face. The three of them lapsed into silence after that and it was just like it always was. They had their guards up, they were distant, they didn't know what to say to each other. It was awkward and uncomfortable.

"So… maybe we should go in?" Kendall suggested. James and Carlos nodded and for the first time since… they couldn't even remember the last time they all went to Logan's house for anything. Hesitantly, Kendall raised his hand to knock on the door and a few seconds later, Mr. Mitchell answered it. "Hi Mr. Mitchell," Kendall licked his lips. "Uh we just stopped by to…"

"Express our condolences." James picked up when Kendall trailed off.

"And we brought food." Carlos offered.

Mr. Mitchell managed a shadow of a smile, but it looked forced and sad. "Would you boys like to come in?" he asked.

The three of them glanced at each other. They really hadn't planned on staying, but how could you say no to someone who just lost their son? So they walked inside Logan's house and they felt like they were walking through a time machine. Like it was freshman year and none of them had a care in the world; they just wanted to hang out with each other. So much had changed since then and they knew it, they just didn't want to admit it. "How have you been?" Carlos asked, placing the food dish down on his table.

"I've been holding up." he replied and all three of the boys could probably agree that this was the most he's ever spoken to them in years. "It's nice that you guys stopped by."

"Well no one should have to go through something like this alone." James said. "We just wanted to make sure you're alright."

"Other than some business I have to take care of at the office, I'm gonna be ok… eventually." Mr. Mitchell said. He closed his briefcase and grabbed it by the handle. "I guess I'll see you boys around?" he asked.

"Yeah." Kendall said slowly, as if he wasn't really sure. And he wasn't.

Ray nodded and started out of the house. He paused in the doorway and turned to look at the boys. They all felt a bit uncomfortable under his gaze and he must've picked up on it. "Sorry," he apologized. "It's just been a while."

That familiar pang returned to their chests and it felt like their bones were made of lead. They couldn't respond, so they just watched him leave.

Kendall, James, and Carlos stood in Logan's kitchen in silence, not looking at each other, or the pictures of the wall that stroke painful memories for them all. "So… we should probably leave." Kendall said.

"Or not." James suggested, and Kendall and Carlos looked at him. "I mean, we want to know why Logan did it right?" James asked. "I know I do. And what better way to find out than looking in his room."

"That's wrong on so many levels." Kendall told him, an irritated edge to his voice.  
>James scoffed, already so annoyed with Kendall. He hated it whenever he talked down to him; he did it when they were friends and he still found ways to do it now. "Then screw you. I'm going to find out why Logan killed himself." he said simply and turned to go upstairs. Carlos and Kendall picked up on his hesitant movements, as if he was waiting for them to stop him or join him.<p>

A second later, Carlos and Kendall were following James up the steps.


	6. Chapter Five: Logan's Reasons Why

**a/n: oy vey. Sorry for the unnecessarily long wait for an update :p don't hate me! Lol but here's chapter five :D hope you all like it! Also, shout out to bubzchoc for reviewing the last chapter (: xoxo**

**Chapter Five**  
><em>'We'll say we never knew it, that they had a problem. 'Cause if we would have known we surely would have solved it. But we can't, it's too late' - Nevertheless, "Topics"<em>

"Guys, I don't feel right about doing this." Carlos wrung his fingers together nervously, looking around Logan's bedroom. It looked like someone still lived here- the bed looked slept in, like he woke up and never made it; the closet door was open, revealing his array of clothing and shoes he wore; on his dressers were a lot of his things, varying from deodorant and body spray, to pens and paper scattered all over the place.

"It's not like Logan's going to catch us." James mumbled under his breath, but he wasn't unheard by Kendall, who sent a jab to his ribs.

"Look, we're just doing some investigating. Like we're in the FBI." Kendall told Carlos, hoping that would ease his nerves.

James rolled his eyes and continued typing on Logan's laptop, trying to hack his way in. Once he finally figured out what the boy's password was, the desktop screen loaded and James' heart fell all the way into his stomach, settling there and being dissolved by his stomach acid. Logan's background screen was a picture of the four of them, back when they were friends. They looked so happy…

James quickly clicked on Logan's documents file, not wanting to look at the picture anymore, and turned to Carlos and Kendall. "So what are we looking for?" he asked.  
>Kendall shrugged. "Anything. I don't know really…"<p>

"Is there anything in his documents?" Carlos asked, peering over James' shoulder.

"Uh…" James scanned the page. "Looks like homework mostly- wait. This might be something." James clicked onto a folder that was named 'personal' and a list of documents loaded before them, none of them properly named, just dated. "This one's from the day before he… well you know." James muttered the last part, clicking on the last document in the list. When it loaded and was fully open, the boys read it silently.

The video's finished. They're more than likely never going to see it because tomorrow… tomorrow's the day. Everything's been said and done.

"He actually planned this." Carlos breathed, shockwaves going all throughout his body making him immobile.

"What does he mean, the video's finished?" Kendall wondered.

"Uh, I can check in his videos folder." James suggested, timidly, afraid of what he might find. "Sh-should I?"

There was a moment of silence between the three boys as they contemplated their next move.

"Do it." Kendall finally said.

James nodded and clicked over to the My Videos folder on his computer. When it loaded, there was only four videos were there. They were all filmed the day the last entry in his 'personal' folder was written. Only one of them didn't have a name- it was just a sequence of numbers named from his webcam- but the other three were labeled: Kendall, James, and Carlos. The three boys paled, a plethora of thoughts circling around their heads. Gulping, James' shaky fingers guided the mouse over to the unnamed video and he clicked on it. Nobody in the room seemed to be breathing.

When it started playing, Logan was sitting on his bed, his head bowed. In his lap, was a piece of paper. When he raised his head and took a deep breath, it became clear to them that he was crying. _"Warning signs of suicide."_ he said directly into the camera, and then picked up the paper. He looked down at it and started reading. _"Appearing depressed or sad most of the time."_

The guys tried thinking back to how Logan acted in school. Did he act sad or depressed, or did he hide it? Was he even depressed? How did nobody know?

_"Talking or writing about death or suicide."_

They hadn't talked to Logan in months. They didn't know if he actually talked about wanting to kill himself.

Logan raised his head to look directly at the camera again._ "Withdrawing... from family... and friends."_ he enunciated each word, trying to get the point across, and then he let out a small sob, covering his mouth.

That one seemed to hit home. Carlos brought his hand up to cover his mouth, Kendall pinched his eyes shut, and James grabbed at his hair. This was getting to be too much.

When Logan calmed himself down slightly, he continued the list. _"Feeling hopeless, feeling helpless, feeling strong anger or rage, feeling trapped - like there is no way out of a situation. Experiencing dramatic mood changes. Abusing drugs or alcohol. Exhibiting a change in personality. Acting impulsively. Losing interest in most activities. Experiencing a change in sleeping habits. Experiencing a change in eating habits. Losing interest in most activities. Performing poorly at work or in school. Giving away prized possessions. Writing a will. Feeling excessive guilt or shame. Acting recklessly." _Logan moved the paper aside and wiped at his face._ "I mean, seriously guys? The signs were all there… maybe not the drugs or alcohol one, or writing a will, or acting recklessly, but everything else. It was all there in front of your eyes; why didn't you notice?"_ Logan's voice raised in volume and the guys flinched harshly. It reminded them of when he yelled at them in the cafeteria.

_"I mean,"_ Logan wiped his eyes again. _"I don't care that nobody else noticed, because I already know that nobody else cared about me. My dad doesn't care, my mom… our teachers, kids at school… nobody cared about me. But you guys did."_ Logan's voice cracked.

James had to pause the video; he couldn't take much of this anymore. He ran his hands over his face, covering it effectively from Kendall and Carlos. He felt the tears stinging at his eyes but he desperately tried to keep them in. He didn't want to do this- break down in front of Kendall and Carlos. No, the only person who was ever allowed to see him cry was now dead and the reality of that was becoming harder and harder to deal with now that he believed it was truly his fault Logan killed himself.

James felt a hand on his back and he timidly titled his head to the side, looking at Kendall. "I know." he said, his voice low and raspy. "I know how you're feeling."

James didn't know how Kendall of all people, Kendall who hated his guts, could understand what he was feeling right now but there was a voice inside of his head whispering that he was going through the same things too.

Carlos put a hand on James' back too and sniffled, tears freely filling up in his eyes. "I do too." he whispered. When he blinked, a tear tarnished his cheek.

James could just nod and sniffle, then pressed play.

_"I just… I don't really know what I would say to you guys in person anymore because we haven't talked in months,_" Logan continued. _"But I just have to know… why do you guys hate me?"_

"I don't!" James blurted out, then covered his mouth with his hand. He felt Kendall's hand moving in circular motions on his back.

_"I mean, I don't understand why you three hate me so much!"_ Logan's voice rose, then fell. _"But maybe I do… because now I hate me too."_

"No." James whimpered.

_"I really don't see the reason for trying…"_

"No!" James said louder. Carlos brought his fist up to his mouth and bit down on his middle knuckle, and Kendall gripped James' shoulder. Tears were sliding down the brunette boy's face.

_"…or for talking… or for breathing… I'm just done."_

"NO!" James choked out then let out a sob, running his hands over his face and then going up to pull his hair as he dropped down onto Logan's desk. "Logan…" the deceased teen's name was lost in James' cries.

Carlos wrapped his arms around James' shoulders and when the taller boy didn't push him away, he felt his heart swell in his chest. He had almost forgot what it was like to hug James. "It's ok, James." Carlos told him.

"No, it's not!" James insisted through his sobs. "We- we c-could've…" he choked on another sob and Carlos squeezed him tighter. "We could've…"

"We could've saved him." Kendall said in a monotonous voice. James and Carlos both turned to him to see tears falling down his cheeks. "We could've saved him." he repeated, lowering himself to the floor in fear of his legs giving out before him.

"We didn't know." Carlos said, trying to calm them down even though he felt the same way. He just didn't want to see his two ex-friends crying.

"Because we didn't pay attention!" James exclaimed, wiping his eyes but it didn't do much to cease the fresh wave of tears pooling down his cheeks. "We didn't- we didn't care enough-" James couldn't finish the sentence, without breaking down sobbing again, which he did. Carlos squeezed him tighter and rested his head on top of his, his own tears pooling down his face.

Kendall looked up at them. He couldn't stand it seeing James or Carlos cry. It was like watching a building crumble to the ground- tragic. But at this moment, he still couldn't find the will to get up and give James a hug, tell him it was going to be okay. He couldn't find the will to grab Carlos and hug him, tell him it was going to be okay. He just couldn't do it. Carlos didn't care; he had no problem giving James a hug. Despite the fights the four of them had, Carlos still gave James a hug like he didn't even care about their past. So why couldn't he? What was stopping him from getting up and giving those two a hug? They clearly need it right now.

Because he knew it wasn't that simple. It wasn't as simple as just getting up and giving those two a hug, just like it wasn't simple figuring out that something was wrong with Logan. Because of their history together and the fact that the got into a fight so bad that they weren't friends together was enough to prevent Kendall from getting close to them again. He was too afraid to get hurt again.

Too bad he couldn't convince himself that was a good enough reason for being such a horrible person.

* * *

><p><em>"You know what, Kendall? You're right!" James was yelling. "You're absolutely right! In fact, you're always right! Everyone else is floating in a sea of wrong over here as you go by in your ship of right. Hey, why don't you throw me a lifeline?"<em>

_"Oh, get over yourself James!" Kendall snapped._

_"Guys, please stop!" Logan pleaded._

_"Stay out of this!" Kendall and James both yelled at him and Logan flinched, tears welling up in his eyes._

_"No, Logan's right- just stop it!" Carlos cried._

_"Alright fine, let's just stop it!" Kendall said, throwing his hands up in the air. "No, in fact, let's just stop this. I'm done with you guys."_

_"Fine with me." James rolled his eyes, shoving past Kendall to leave. Kendall turned in the opposite direction and left as well. Carlos looked at Logan, looking so lost and confused. He glanced in the direction James left in, then the direction Kendall left him, then back at Logan before just leaving altogether._

_Logan was just standing there. He never felt more scared and alone._


	7. Chapter Six: Sorry, Why, Regret

**a/n: Hi! Happy Thursday all! And here I am with chapter six :D This chapter isn't much- mostly some of the aftermath of the guys watching Logan's video- but I hope you all like it! (: fun fact: I was listening to the Glee version of "Perfect" by P!nk while editing this, and I wanted to cry a little lol. I'm such a sap. And I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Six**  
><em>If I had just one more day I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away… I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do. And I've hurt myself by hurting you - Christina Aguilera, "Hurt"<em>

Carlos didn't sleep that night. He had laid in his bed for hours, just staring at the ceiling or the wall. He had cried himself dry and now he just felt numb. Logan's video still replayed in his mind on repeat, and he actually found himself terrified to see what Logan's video to himself was like. The three of them had agreed that they would watch those videos on their own time, when they were ready. But from the looks of how yesterday went, none of them would be ready for a while.

Carlos was laying on his back and he put his hands behind his head, grabbing his pillow. Slowly, he pulled his pillow from under his head and put it over his face, pressing down a bit. And then he screamed. He wasn't entirely sure how muffled it was, but he screamed. He screamed for Logan, he screamed for himself, he screamed for Kendall and James. He screamed for feeling sad, frustrated, confused. He screamed for not being able to forget. He screamed for all the hurt he felt. He just screamed until his throat felt raw, until tears stung at his eyes, until he had absolutely no energy left.

Laying limp, he pulled the pillow off his face and let it slide to the floor. His chest heaved and his chin trembled with anticipated crying. A few moments later, he heard his bedroom door creaking open and he frantically wiped at his eyes. His dad walked in his room. "Everything okay son?" Officer Garcia asked softly.

"I'm alright." Carlos replied hoarsely, and then winced. "M-my throat hurts a little bit. Can… can I stay home today, please?"

His dad nodded. "Yeah, of course. Do you want tea, soup- anything?"

Carlos shook his head. "I think I'm just going to go back to sleep." he whispered.  
>"Okay." Juan nodded, his son's hurt so obvious to him. He didn't know what to do though, he didn't know how to fix him. "I love you." he told him.<p>

"I love you too." Carlos told him and when his dad left, he kicked his covers off and rolled over onto his side. His body moved robotically as he reached for his dresser door and pulled it open. There was only one thing inside and he pulled it out when he felt his fingers brush against the cold metal.

He propped the picture frame in front of him, looking at him and his friends back when they were all truly happy. He missed those times.

He raised his finger to trace over Logan's face, trying to embroil the image of him smiling into his mind one final time. He shut his eyes tightly and whispered, "I'm sorry."

* * *

><p>Logan's funeral was this weekend; specifically in three days. Nobody was ready, just like nobody was ready to go back to school. It hadn't been a week even but the school insisted that everyone got back to their normal lives as soon as possible- something about their vision to help everyone "heal". But James didn't want to go to school now, or tomorrow, or ever again in fact. He couldn't be there, he couldn't walk the halls Logan once walked.<p>

He couldn't handle it.

But for some reason, his mind had convinced him to get up and go to school today. As, James crossed the borderline from the hallway to his first period classroom, he froze. Not because he was late and everyone was staring at him, but because he remembered that Logan had this class with him.

Or at least, he used to.

Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, James slowly walked into the room. He kept his eyes fixed on the empty desk on the other side of the room. He could almost picture Logan sitting in it, taking notes on anything and everything the teacher was saying while James struggled to stay awake a couple of seats away from him. The longer he stared though, and the closer he got, the fuzzier the image became until Logan vanished completely, gone without a trace.

Just like yesterday. The only difference is, last time, there was something James could've done about it.

The brunette boy extended his arm to hand his teacher the pass he received from the office and kept walking, not stopping at his desk, but continuing forward until he reached Logan's. Trembling, his lowered himself in Logan's seat and pulled his knees up to his chest. He just sat there, staring ahead until everyone else deemed him uninteresting and went back to whatever work had been assigned. Blinking back tears, James lowered his head to look at the desktop, wondering if Logan had ever scratched or wrote something on it one day. Part of him was saying that it was impossible- Logan knew better than to "deface public tax paying property", which is what he said the day Carlos wanted to spray paint the lockers in the boys' locker room. But in the lower corner of the desk, something had been carved in there. It had been written in pencil but it had been written over and over again in the same place that it looked like someone carved it. It was one word but it was so powerful, James couldn't fight back the tears any longer.

It said,_ help._

"James?" the boy in question raised his head when he heard his teacher say his name. "Is everything ok?"

James sniffled. "It's my fault." he said. "It's- he would be sitting here today. Right here if I would've listened. What is wrong with me, why didn't I listen? Just... why?" James let his head drop forward and he held it in his hands, his body shaking even worse than before.

* * *

><p><em>Kendall looked up to see Jo Taylor, someone he had never talked to before, walk up to him after the hockey game. "Hey." he greeted her with a smile.<em>

_She smiled back. "Two goals, four assists. You make our team look better than we are." Kendall chuckled modestly. "So are you, uh, going to the party tonight?"_

_It was Friday night so there were about five parties taking place. Kendall was bound to end up at one of them. "I was thinking about it." he replied._

_"Well we could go together." she offered._

_Kendall smiled at that._

_"Hey Kendall!" the blonde turned around to see Logan walking towards him._

_"Hey man!" he called back and then looked at Jo. "Hey, my friend Logan and I were going to hang out tonight." he told her. "Is it okay if he comes along?"_

_Jo looked over at Logan and then chuckled awkwardly. "Um, our car only has room for one more…" she trailed off. "If you know what I mean."_

_Kendall bit his lip. He knew very well what she meant. He looked back from Logan to Jo before telling her, "Just give me a second." she nodded and he walked over to Logan._

_"Hey man, you ready to go?" Logan asked him. "My dad ordered us a pizza."_

_"Uh yeah about that…" Kendall started and Logan's eyebrows knit together. "I cant go."_

_Logan looked confused. "Wait what? I just talked to you before the game."_

_"Well you see, that girl invited me to a party." Kendall told him, hoping he'd understand._

_"Oh." Logan said simply, then forced a smile. "Well cold pizza's still good. Where's the party?"_

_Kendall hated his friend for being so naive. "You cant go." he said bluntly, and immediately wished he could take those words back. "You- you wouldn't like it anyway, just a bunch of guys from the hockey team and-"_

_"I get it, Kendall." Logan interrupted softly, hurt evident in his voice. "Have fun tonight." he told his friend before turning around and walked away. Kendall stood there a moment, watching Logan leave before going off with the girl and her friends._

**. . .**

Kendall was awoken by the bell ringing, signally class was over. The memory was still fresh in his mind as he staggered to his feet and quickly rushed out before he could let any tears fall down his face. He never regretted more than now that he didn't go after Logan.


	8. Chapter Seven: He Wished He Was Stronger

**a/n: hello all! I hope you guys are enjoying this story so far :D here's yet another chapter and it's filled with my favorite kind of angst - James angst! Yes, I have a problem lol just accept me for who I am! And on a more personal note, my prom was on Thursday and I had an amazing time but this whole weekend has been crazy and long hence the ~wait for another update. Sorry! But here it is :D I don't own anything.**

**a/n2: I forgot to do this last time! So thank you for reviewing chapter 6: bubzchoc, Miss Fenway, love4loganbtr, and MiiMyselfandTime and for chapter 7: Miss Fenway, bubzchoc, and 0809m (: love you guys! xoxo**

**Chapter Seven**  
><em>Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life - The Fray, 'How To Save A Life'<em>

Kendall didn't last long in his next class. He must've looked pretty bad because his teacher suggested he go down to the nurse to go lie down. Kendall took his bag with him because he had half a mind to just call his mom and have her come pick him up anyway, since his mom didn't trust him behind the wheel. When he got to the nurse's office, however, she must have assumed he wanted to leave and told him to go lie down while she called his mom. Kendall complied, and when he got to the back, he saw James lying on one of the bed, his knees drawn up to his chest and one hand tangled in his hair. "Hey." Kendall said, surprising not only James but himself.

James tilted his head to look at him. "Hey."

Kendall found himself at a loss for words. "You look horrible." he offered, lowering himself to the bed across from James.

James let out a chuckle. "You don't look any better." he said. "How long did you last?"

"Third period." Kendall replied. "You?"

"Half of first." James replied sheepishly and Kendall chuckled. "I'm just waiting for my dad to be able to get away from work to come and get me." James sighed. "Carlos had the right idea staying home today." he said as an afterthought.

"Yeah." Kendall agreed with a nod, and then took a good look at James. He definitely should've stayed home today. His eyes were red and bloodshot, either from crying, lack of sleep, or both. His hair was just a mess and his skin had taken an unnaturally paled tint. And on top of all of that, he looked ready for a breakdown at any moment.

Kendall's heart went out to him; he felt- and probably looked- the same way he did. His head hurt, his chest hurt, he felt like crying all the time. And he felt that if he didn't talk to someone, he was going to explode. "Do you feel…" he started, then stopped himself, unable to find the words he wanted to say.

"Horrible?" James supplied, and Kendall nodded. "Worse than that." the brunette boy said and forced himself to sit up, but kept his knees drawn to his chest. It was something he did whenever he was really upset, he had been doing it for as long as Kendall could remember. "I keep thinking about him." James continued. "Not like what happened that day, or what he said in the video, but before. I just keep trying to remember him."

"I don't think we could ever forget Logan." Kendall told him.

James just sighed. "I hope you're right." he said. He paused in thought. "Then again, when aren't you?" he asked.

"The day I said didn't want to be your friend anymore." Kendall said so quietly that James almost didn't hear it.

The two of them were silent for a moment before James spoke up. "We were all wrong that day."

* * *

><p><em>"Why should I apologize to him?" James demanded, angrily. "He's the one that's been acting all high and mighty since he became captain of the hockey team. Big deal."<em>

_"C'mon James, this is something he's really wanted." Carlos tried reasoning with him. "It's for his dad and-"_

_"No, he used to want it for his dad." James interrupted. "Now that he's Mr. Popular, it doesn't mean anything to him like it used to. Face it Carlos, he's changed and you know it just as well as I do."_

_Carlos chewed on his lip. "He hasn't… changed." he mumbled. James just rolled his eyes in reply to that. "Can't you just be the bigger person and make up with him?" Carlos whined._

_"Again, why should I apologize to him?" James repeated stubbornly._

_Carlos groaned. "James, the four of us hardly ever see each other anymore." he started. "Kendall's always playing hockey, you're always doing choir things, Logan's always studying, and I'm…" Carlos sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I just want things to go back to the way they used to."_

_James felt a little bad. "So do I, buddy." he said, slinging an arm around Carlos' shoulders. "I don't know why me and Kendall have to fight so much, and I wish we didn't but… I don't know, it's like ever since we all stopped playing hockey together we don't have anything in common anymore."_

_"We do." Carlos insisted. "We just need to reconnect."_

_James sighed and used his free hand through his hair. "Friends shouldn't have to reconnect." he mumbled._

* * *

><p><em>"No."<em>

_"Please, Kendall." Logan pleaded. "James didn't mean to yell at you, he was just upset."_

_"And that's my problem?" Kendall asked him. "It's not my fault he doesn't like that I'm doing something for myself."_

_"He does, he just misses you." Logan insisted. "We all do."_

_Kendall arched an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?" he asked._

_Logan sighed. "It's just, ever since we stopped playing hockey, it's like we don't see you anymore." he explained. "You're always off at practice and if you're not, you have plans with your new friends."_

_"So, what, I can't have friends?" Kendall inquired._

_This time, Logan groaned. "You're not getting it!" he exclaimed, making Kendall raise both his eyebrows in surprise. "I don't care that you play hockey or have other friends. Neither do James and Carlos. We just care that the four of us never hang out anymore because we all have our own things to do! And whenever we do manage to hang out, we can't do anything without you and James fighting!"_

_Kendall blinked in surprise. Logan never yelled or got angry like this; it was pretty scary. "So what do you want me to do Logie?" he asked quietly._

_Logan's expression softened. "I want things to go back to the way they used to be." he told Kendall._

_"I…" Kendall rubbed his temples. "I'm trying, Logan. Okay? I really am. I just can't help it sometimes- James just knows how to get under my skin with all those comments about the hockey team and my new friends." Logan nodded in understanding. "But you can't deny that he hasn't changed too." Kendall added. "He's letting the 'ladies man' title go straight to his head and he's even more vain then before."_

_"While that is true," Logan agreed then sighed again. "Can't you just be the bigger man for once Kendall?"_

_Now it was Kendall's turn to sigh because he always had to be the bigger man. Sometimes, it was just tiring to be the one that always had to back down and let everybody but himself be happy. "Like I said, I'm trying." he told Logan, only part of him was reminding himself that he really wasn't._

* * *

><p>The weekend had come faster than anyone had anticipated and that meant, it was time for Logan's funeral. It was a day the boys had been dreading but now that it was finally here, they were, to say the least, afraid. What if Logan's parents had figured out why Logan took his life? What if they blamed them? What if other people found out? What if they were asked to speak? So many thoughts ran through their heads when they woke up that morning, even if they didn't know that the other boy had been thinking the same thing as he was.<p>

It was strange in a way. No matter how long they went without talking, they still had a connection that none of them could deny. Sure, they could pretend it didn't exist but deep down, they all knew it was still there. The days when the joked about being able to read minds- it was still as true to this day as it was then. The connection they all had, it was in their minds, it was in their souls, it was in their hearts. And that was just something you couldn't easily get rid of.

Waking up that morning was just as hard as it was since the beginning of the week. Or maybe it was harder, James couldn't tell. All he knew was that when his alarm clock went off, he was already awake. He barely slept a wink and at around two or three, he couldn't remember, he was wide awake no matter what he tried. So he just laid in bed, staring at the ceiling fan whirring above his head, thinking. But for once, he wasn't thinking of Logan. He thought about feeling alone.

Logan of all people knew what it was like being alone, but James did too. Ever since he, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan had their fall out, he lost the only three people who were ever there for him. Whenever he was upset about something, James could call up any of his friends and they were certain to make him feel better.

That was what he really needed right now, since he was on the brink of yet another "freak out" as he called them. He was in the bathroom, half dressed for Logan's funeral when he just couldn't breathe right anymore. It was like the air was getting stuck in his throat when it was trying to come in and out. He gripped the sink until his knuckles turned white, willing himself to calm down. Unlike Logan, he had his own way for coping with his loneliness.

He flung open the medicine cabinet above the sink and started rummaging through it, knocking stuff over in the process until he found what he was looking for: the new pack of razors his dad bought. He tore the plastic open and picked one up, taking off the protective plastic. But just like that, his catharsis was gone and he found himself contemplating his decision. You've been doing so good for so long, don't break now, he told himself. But there was still a nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him that he needed to do this. Logan was gone, and Kendall and Carlos were to hard to talk to right now, especially since they were sort of being forced back together right now. He needed something to keep himself together.

With shaky hands, he slid his jacket on and dropped the razor in his jacket pockets. Just in case…

Downstairs, James' dad was asleep on the couch, better bottles scattered on the coffee table in front of him. James made a point to keep quiet, for he was probably going to wake up hungover and irritable. So as quietly as possible, James started picking up the bottles and disposing of them. When that was done, he ran a washcloth under the cold water of the sink, wrung it out, and walked it over to his dad. He shook the older man's shoulder gently. "Daddy, wake up." he whispered, always feeling like a little kid when he was around his dad. Mostly because seeing his dad brought up unwanted memories of him being eight years old and getting yelled at or hit whenever he did something to anger his dad.

Brian Diamond groaned and when he opened his eyes, James offered him the washcloth. "For your head." he explained. It always worked out in his favor when he was extra nice to his dad.

Brian nodded and took it from him, putting it on his forehead. "Where are you going all dressed up?" he asked.

"Logan's funeral." James replied, and Brian nodded. "I should probably get going now." he continued.

"When are you going to be back?" Brian asked, sitting up, and James instinctively flinched back.

"Not sure." he replied. "Before you though." he added, upon realizing that his dad was probably going to work late and then go to the bar afterwards.

Brian's expression hardened. "And what's that supposed to mean?" he demanded gruffly.

Panic alarms were going off in James' head. He didn't anticipate making his dad with his statement. "N-nothing." he stuttered. "I-I just meant-"

"You know I work hard for everything we have." Brian interrupted. "It'd be nice if it went appreciated every once and a while."

"I-I do a-appreciate-"

"Can't you talk without stuttering like a damn fool?" Brian asked, rubbing his temple with one hand and James noticed the other was clenched into a fist.

"I'm sorry." James whimpered.

"Just get out of my sight before you find some other way to piss me off." Brian warned him. That was all James needed to hear and he quickly left the house.

He leaned against his front door, trying to catch his breath. He hated how his dad always made him so scared. He feared making him mad because he feared the consequences. And whenever alcohol was involved, his dad's fuse was always shortened, which never meant good things for him.

James managed to return his heart rate to normal, but he could feel his pulse in his wrist still throbbing, begging for the razor. Licking his lips, he let out a huff of breath. He wished he was stronger than this.


	9. Chapter Eight: I Wasn't Ready For This

**a/n: more James angst! :D once again, I have a problem lol. But yeah um, here we go! Thanks to bubzchoc and MiiMyselfandTime for reviewing the last chapter (: I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Eight**  
><em>I wasn't ready for this. You're adorable as hell, but I'm glancing at your wrist. - Mayday Parade, "When You See My Friends"<em>

It was the day of Logan's funeral. The day itself was nauseating and nerve-wracking and all in all, probably the worst day ever. But Carlos was thankful that his parents decided to come with him, both of which wanted to pay their respects. He wouldn't be able to do this alone. When he got out of his parents' car and saw James sitting outside of the church, leaning against the brick wall he decided that no one should have to go through something like this alone, especially James. His heart hurt seeing James' head hidden by his arms and his knees pulled up to his chest, knowing how upset he had to be. "Papi, I'm gonna see if he's alright." Carlos told his dad before leaving his parent's side and walking over to James. He hesitated a moment before saying, "Hey," capturing James' attention.

The younger boy looked up, wiping his eyes, and offered a weak smile. "Hey man." his voice was hoarse.

"Did you come here by yourself?" Carlos asked, taking a seat on the ground next to him.

James nodded. "My dad was, uh, busy." he replied. Carlos was bewildered; how could a parent have their child go to a funeral by themselves? How could James be alone? "But it's no big deal, I'm okay." he added.

"You look anything but." a new voice said and Carlos and James looked up to see Kendall standing before them. Carlos smiled up a Kendall. The three of them were together, the way it should be.

"Like you look any better." James replied, as Kendall took a seat on the ground next to him.

"Touché." Kendall replied, then sighed. "Can I be honest with you two?" he asked after a moment of silence. Carlos and James nodded. "I'd rather be anywhere but here right now." Kendall admitted, wringing his hands together. "Funerals… they're just too much. I can't deal with it."

The other two boys understood what he meant. Kendall was young when his dad died and ever since, he had this problem with accepting death. It was like a forbidden territory with him. "Can I be honest?" Carlos asked this time, and Kendall and James nodded. "You don't have to deal with this alone." he told Kendall. He let his words linger for a moment before continuing, "I know things are… weird right now. With the three of us I mean because we haven't talked for so long. And I don't know where we all stand with each other but I can honestly say that you two don't have to deal alone. I'll be here for you guys."

Carlos' words really hit hard and Kendall and James just let them sink for a minute. "He's right." Kendall finally said. "The three of us are linked forever, whether we want to or not. And Logan's death only made us more linked."

James took a deep breath. "Well then why don't we link up and get inside that church." he suggested. "The funeral's going to start soon."

Kendall and Carlos nodded and the three boys stood up. Then, like they were little kids again, they linked their arms around each other and walked into the church.

And like Carlos said, they weren't alone.

* * *

><p>During the whole service, James kept pulling on his shirt, trying to make sure his wrists kept covered. He didn't want Carlos or Kendall finding out his dirty little secret and the fact that they were with him all afternoon just had him paranoid. What if they saw? What if they told? He found himself shaking on several occasions thinking about what would happen if they knew he cut himself, and when one of them would throw an arm around his shoulders and rub his back, he felt even worse.<p>

He didn't deserve friends.

There was no viewing, since the Mitchells requested a closed casket ceremony, so after they were finished inside of the church, everyone went outside to the cemetery.

Everyone always expected the weather on days like this to be dark and dreary. Rain falling from the blackened clouds, a light mist encasing the whole town. One of those days that just egged on the depressing setting.

Today was not one of those days. The sun was shining and birds were chirping, completely contradicting everyone dressed in black, tears falling from their faces. There was a black cloud cast over their hearts, it just went unseen by the naked eye. Today was a dark day, despite the weather. It was a day of loss.

Everyone was silent, taking in the words said by the minister before them. "Today," he started, sorrow evident in his voice. "We acknowledge a really terrible loss. Today we come together to remember the life of Logan Phillip Mitchell. Although we know he had so much life left in him, we thank God for the seventeen years he did have. Let us pray."

In the back of the funeral, behind the group of people mourning Logan's death, were three young men. Their eyes were red from lack of sleep and the tears they had been shedding, and their hair was messy and unkempt. Their hearts were hurting more than a bullet to the brain. But the difference between their sorrow and everybody else's is that theirs was from guilt.

Kendall, James and Carlos knew was their fault Logan was dead.

"Heavenly Father," the minister started the prayer. The three boys bowed their heads in suit with everyone else. "The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more." he paused to let everyone intake those words before closing his Bible and continuing. "May the Lord watch over our hearts in this dark time. In His name we pray, amen."

"Amen." everyone murmured, their voices low.

"And now, as a final goodbye to Logan," the minister said. "You may all step forward to place your rose on his grave.

The boys were barely aware they were holding the white roses but it was brought back to their attention when the minister mentioned them. As much as they didn't want to, they started to move forward, towards the front of the funeral. They felt everyone's eyes searing holes into them as they were the last ones to drop their roses, but they didn't stop. It was like they were on autopilot.

One by one, they knelt before Logan's grave looking over his headstone one more time as if they didn't already have it memorized.

_Here lies Logan Phillip Mitchell._  
><em>Loved son and friend.<em>  
><em>Gone but not forgotten.<em>

James reached out to touch it, his fingers tracing over the flawless marble. Tears stung at his eyes as he whispered, "I'm sorry." Shortly after everyone left the cemetery, and the three of them stayed there, sitting in front of Logan's headstone just staring at it. For the longest time, they didn't talk to each other, they just sat there thinking of Logan. James didn't know what the other two were thinking but he was just thinking about how he felt like he failed Logan. If Logan was still alive, he would've wanted him to tell someone about his dad, to get help. He would've told him that he didn't deserve to be treated that way. He would've helped him with his problem. He wished he was still here more than anything else. "I miss him." James whispered.

"We do too Jay." Carlos said, slinging an arm around James' shoulders. "But it'll be okay."

"Will it though?" James asked. "I- I mean, Logan…" James stopped himself, not sure if he wanted to tell the two of them the truth about everything.

It didn't matter if they weren't friends anymore, Kendall still knew James better than he knew himself, and he quickly caught on to the fact that something more was bothering him. The question was, was it his business to ask anymore? "Is there something else wrong James?" Kendall asked, deciding to take the risk. "I mean, besides Logan?"

James took a deep breath. He couldn't lie to them; he never could. They would see right through his lies and get the truth out of him anyway. And he knew that if Logan was watching down on him, he would want him to tell the truth. "I-it's my dad." he said in a shaky voice. "He's not very nice to me."

"What do you mean?" Carlos asked, feeling himself growing worried by James' words.

"He- he just…" James took a deep breath, and everything started to pour out. "He doesn't like me very much. And Logan was always there for me to talk to about it…"

* * *

><p><em>James hissed in pain and his back arched slightly when Logan applied the rubbing alcohol to one of the marks on his back. Logan put a comforting hand on James' shoulder. "It's ok, I'm almost done." he said softly. The brunette boy bit down on his lower lip and nodded, willing himself to remain still and quiet while Logan tended his wounds.<em>

_True to his word, Logan was basically done fixing James up, nothing left to do but apply some Neosporin to the reddened cuts trailing down his back. Logan put some cream to his latex covered hand and started to rub it over James' back. The younger boy was quiet but slightly trembling as Logan worked on him, trying to repair the damage done. His hand lingered down to James' hip where a purplish bruise rested and he pressed on it lightly, eliciting a whimper from James. "I'm sorry." Logan apologized. "I'm all done now." he pulled James' shirt down and the brunette boy sat up, crossing his arms across his middle, his head bowed. "Do you want to tell me about it?" Logan asked gently, even though he probably wouldn't get a clear cut answer from James. A lot of nights, James would show up at Logan's house with a mysterious injury- a black eye, bruises everywhere, cuts, welts… The only explanation James would offer is that he and his dad got into a fight, or his dad got mad at him, but that's all he would say. Logan had a hunch about what was wrong but without James' confirmation he really didn't know. He never pressed the matter even though he was itching for answers. He just let James stay over when he needed it, even though most nights Logan was left to listen to James cry himself to sleep._

_James' lower lip quivered and tears shone in his eyes, one falling down his cheek. Logan reached out to brush his hair to the side and James' resolve shattered completely, more tears sliding down his face. Logan's heart broke. "Oh, Jay." he took James in his arms, hugging him tightly and James buried his head in the crook of Logan's neck._

_"He hates me." James sobbed, squeezing Logan tightly. "I always screw up and, he gets so mad at me, and h-he- Logan, it hurts."_

_"I know it does James." Logan murmured, even though he didn't have a clue. He couldn't fathom how a parent could lay a hand on their child. "It'll be okay Jay, we can tell Carlos' dad and-"_

_"No!" James tore away from Logan frantically, wiping his eyes. "Logan, you can't tell anyone, please!"_

_"But James-"_

_"Logan, please." James' eyes were pleading and desperate, still shining with tears. "Please. I'll- I'll deal with it like I have been, and I'll be okay, but please just don't tell anyone."_

_Logan sighed. Every fiber of his being was telling him to report this, as it was child abuse. The last thing he wanted was James to continue being hurt by his monster of a father, but seeing his friend so upset and vulnerable, he couldn't bring himself to do it. "Okay." he whispered. "I promise."_

_James relaxed slightly. "Thank you."_

_The raven haired boy chewed on his lip. "You want to stay over? My dad's working late and I'm sure he won't mind." he offered._

_James looked nervous again. "I- I don't know, I don't want to get in trouble…"_

_"I'll cover for you." Logan reassured him. "Don't worry, I won't let him hurt you again."_

_This made James smile slightly. "Thanks, Logie." he extended his arms and pulled Logan into another hug. Tonight, a huge weight had been lifted off of his chest and he finally felt like he could breathe again. And it was all thanks to Logan Mitchell._

* * *

><p>"He never broke his promise either." James finished up his story, tears brimming in his eyes, but he didn't let them fall. He started tugging on the sleeve of his shirt, covering his hands completely, then curling his knuckles in to hold it in place. "Even after we stopped talking, he never told anyone about my dad." James scoffed, rubbing the back of his head. "I feel like such a douche bag now. Logan was the most loyal friend in the world and I let him down in more ways than one."<p>

That last statement triggered something in Kendall, and newfound thoughts were swimming around in his head. "James," he started. "When you made Logan promise not to tell anyone about your dad, and you told him that you'd deal with it like you had been…"

"Yeah?" James inquired, not sure where he was going with this. Even Carlos was confused.

Kendall swallowed. "What did you mean by that? How were you dealing?"

James stiffened up and Kendall caught the action immediately. Wordlessly, he reached out for James' hand and James crossed them across his stomach immediately. Kendall froze, his hand in midair, and he stared at James. Carlos looked back and forth between the two of them, watching Kendall give James a stare that simply said, I know what you're hiding.

Carlos looked at James, his eyes traveling down to his arms, which were tucked in protectively, and then-as if everything had hit him at once- he caught on to what Kendall was looking for hand his eyes widened. "James?" he questioned, his voice cracking.

James choked on a sob, knowing he couldn't hide this much longer, and slowly extended his arms and slid up his sleeve. He didn't have to raise his head to see the shocked expressions on Carlos' and Kendall's faces at what was before them- the cuts and scars going in a spider web-like pattern up his forearm. From wrist to elbow, he was covered, some old, some knew. "Logan wouldn't have wanted me to do this." he choked out. "He wouldn't made me tell him what was wrong, and he would've fixed me." James let out another sob. "How could I be so _stupid_ and let him go?"


	10. Chapter Nine: Life After You

**a/n: Happy Sunday all (: ugh, I have mixed feelings about this chapter; I really like it, but I wish I could've done more to make it longer. But regardless of my opinion, I hope my faithful readers enjoy it! I kind of didn't want to update yet because I need to write more, but school is ending for me and I'll have all the time in the world to write :D but until that happens, here's chapter nine! Thank you to bubzchoc, Miss Fenway, and LuvBTR123 for reviewing the last chapter :3 I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Nine**  
><em>Without you, God knows what I'd do… 'Cause after the life we've been through, I know there's no life after you. - Daughtry, "Life After You"<em>

This was all entirely too much to wrap his head around; James' dad abused him and he cut himself? Kendall just couldn't understand it. The old James, the James he was friends with, never would've let this happen to himself. He would've been strong. He would've told him and he would've gotten help. Or would he? If Logan was the only person he ever told, what made Kendall think that James would tell him? Did it start happening after their fight, or did James just not want him to know? Kendall was sick of having so many questions and none of the answers. He felt like he was going insane and everything was just spiraling out of control.

Probably because it was.

"You have to stop." Kendall told the brunette after he calmed down some. "You can't keep doing this to yourself." he felt this throat get tight and pleaded with himself not to start crying. "Just stop, please."

"I can't." James whimpered, wrapping his arms across his middle and bowing his head in shame as more tears slid down his cheeks.

"James, you have to." Carlos pleaded with him, on the verge of crying himself.

"No you don't understand, I can't!" James insisted. "Every time I try and I think I'm doing good I- I just break and I end up doing it again." he wiped at his eyes and looked at Carlos and Kendall. "Help me, please?" he asked, his voice cracking.

Tears started to slip down Carlos' cheeks. "It- it'll be okay, James." he told him, pulling him into a hug. James immediately latched into him, burying his face in the crook of his neck. "We're gonna help you, I promise. It's all going to be okay, trust me, we're here for you now." Carlos was babbling. "And you're not going to do this anymore. It's going to be okay."

Kendall envied Carlos right now. But as much as Kendall wanted to say that to James as well, he couldn't. Because he really didn't believe it was going to be okay.

* * *

><p><em>When Kendall opened his eyes the first thing he realized was that he was freezing. There were socks on his feet but they felt damp and cold, and he figured he was laying down because his back felt the same way. He had no clue where he was or what was going on. "You're finally up." a familiar voice said.<em>

_Kendall turned his head in the direction of the voice, seeing a pair of ice skates in his line of vision. He tilted his head up and blinked a few times. "L-Logan?"_

_Logan smiled at him, and offered him a hand. "Go suit up before you catch a cold." he instructed him when Kendall was on his feet._

_Kendall was confused. "Logan, what-"_

_"Go suit up and I'll answer all your questions." Logan replied. Kendall still probably looked like a confused fish out of water because Logan chuckled and pointed behind him. Kendall turned around to see a helmet, hockey stick, skate, pads, and a jersey resting in the stands. Still confused as ever, Kendall made his way over to the stuff slowly because, regardless of the situation, when did he ever turn down an opportunity to play hockey? So he got changed and soon he was back on the ice with Logan._

_He studied the boy for a moment. "So what's going on exactly?" Kendall asked, skating next to him._

_"Exactly?" Logan inquired, and Kendall nodded. "Well, I guess it all started when I shot myself." Logan said simply. It took him a minute to realize had stopped skating with him, and he turned around to face the boy, sadness in his eyes that didn't match the small smile on his face. "This is a dream, Kendall." Logan told him gently. "You may not remember what happened now but when you wake up-"_

_"I remember." Kendall whispered, and even though they were the only two people there, Logan still could barely hear him. "I… I don't want to wake up, Logan."_

_"You have to eventually." the smaller boy said sadly._

_"No." Kendall shook his head, stubborn as ever, and it broke Logan's heart. "I don't want to wake up, I want to sleep forever so- so-" Kendall stopped talking when Logan hugged him and it broke him down completely. He hadn't hugged Logan in so long, but it still felt right after all these years; it still felt like home. He wrapped his arms around him and held on tight. He wasn't going to let go again._

_"It's okay, Kendall." Logan murmured and if Kendall wasn't crying, he would've laughed at the irony._

_"How cant you say it's okay, Logan?" he asked, pushing away form Logan. "It's anything but okay- it's the complete opposite of okay!"_

_"Shh, just calm down." Logan told him soothingly, sensing he was going to completely lose it, pulling Kendall back into a hug. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but really, it's okay."_

_Kendall held onto him for a moment longer, just wishing everything right now was real. Reluctantly, he broke their hug to look Logan square in the eye. "When I wake up, will you be there?" he asked in a shaky voice._

_Logan swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. "No." he said, barely audible._

_"Then it's not okay." Kendall said simply, and started to skate again. He always felt better when he was skating, it was sort of like therapy for him._

_Logan quickly caught up with him and stayed by his side. "Then trust me when I say that it will be okay." he told Kendall. "You just have to trust me."_

_The blonde boy sighed. "But what if it's not?" he asked. "I mean, it wasn't okay for you."_

_That one hit Logan hard. His skating slowed down a little because Kendall's comment made him feel like the wind had been knocked out of him. It took him a moment to recover, but when he did, he said, "It would've been if you were there."_

_Kendall froze and slowly turned around. "I- I didn't know." he said softly._

_"Because you didn't care." Logan countered._

_"That's not true." Kendall insisted._

_"Then why did this happen, Kendall? Why am I dead right now?" Logan demanded._

_His harsh voice brought tears to Kendall's eyes and he started shaking, but it wasn't from the cold. "I- I," he paused to choke down a sob, and immediately Logan felt horrible. "I always cared Logan." he told him. "Even if I didn't show it, I cared." he skated towards his old friend. "Did you really do it because of us?" he asked._

_Logan adverted his gaze. "You saw the video." was all he offered up as a reply. Kendall's legs seemed to be unable to support him anymore and he collapsed to the ground, sitting on the ice, holding his head in his hands. "Oh, Kendall." Logan lowered himself to Kendall's side and pulled him into a hug._

_"I'm sorry, Logan." Kendall sobbed into his shoulder. "I'm so, so sorry."_

_"Don't be sorry." Logan said softly in his ear. "I forgive you."_

That was the last thing Kendall heard him say before he woke up. As soon as his eyes opened, he was filled with regret. "No, no, no." he muttered to himself rolling over in his bed and pulling his blanket over his head. He buried his face in his pillow and pinched his eyes shut, willing himself to go back to sleep so he could see Logan again. But as time passed and he wasn't asleep, he found himself growing more and more distressed until tears started to leak out of his eyes and onto his pillow. He kept his eyes pinched shut in hopes of seeing Logan's face again but it didn't work.

Just like that, Logan was gone again.


	11. Chapter Ten: Someone Else To Talk To

**a/n: hello darlings! It's been a while, I apologize (: but I need to get back to writing this again haha I kind of slacked off :p anways, this chapter is one of my favorites. Some heavy themes in this chapter (ie: Heaven, Hell, God, etc. so read with caution if you must), it's Carlos-centric and I'm introducing a new OC :D I'm not usually an OC person, but this story is going to have two of them- both of which, I'm very fond of (: and I'm going to stop rambling after I say that this chapter is dedicated especially to Miss Fenway -heart- she's a dear friend of mine, and an amazing angst guru/mentor and I love her a lot (: so Laura, this one is for you! xoxo. As for the rest of you: hope you enjoy! I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Ten**  
><em>I pray for all the ones not breathing. I pray for all the souls in need. I pray. Can you give 'em one today? I just cant sleep tonight, can someone tell me how to make a change? - Justin Bieber, "Pray"<em>

Carlos woke up a few hours after he had fallen asleep, and he couldn't find himself able to go back to sleep. For a while, he just laid in his bed, thinking until he heard Kendall wake up. Kendall had woken up an hour ago, crying and muttering something to himself. He probably thought Carlos and James were asleep, since they didn't get back to Carlos' house until late, and he and his parents convinced the two of them to stay over. After they agreed, the three boys simply crashed. But sleep clearly didn't come easy to any of them; the blonde boy sounded so upset, so distressed. Carlos wanted nothing more than to go over and hug him, tell him it was alright. But he couldn't do it. Kendall was too proud to admit that he had been falling apart, and he rarely accepted pity from anyone. So what could you do for someone who didn't want pity, someone who wouldn't accept that they needed help? All Carlos could do was just lay in his bed and watched Kendall on the blow up mattress on his floor as he rolled around in his bed for a little while, until he had cried himself to sleep once again, his body just limp. It hurt Carlos' heart to watch him and not know what to do.

James had been the only one who stayed asleep through the whole night so far, but even though he looked peacefully, Carlos knew otherwise. He knew that he was hurting just as bad- if not worse- as he and Kendall were. And when James slept, he didn't cover his arms, so Carlos found himself staring at the nasty scars that made their way up to James' elbow for a majority of the night. He could imagine that he was in so much pain, that he actually had to hurt himself. The thought alone made Carlos shudder.

Carlos looked over at Kendall again, who was finally fast asleep, then stared back at the ceiling. Taking a deep breath, he crawled out of bed, knelt before it and folded his hands on his blanket. He felt a bit foolish for a moment; he didn't know what to say to God right now. He hadn't been to church in so long, he feared that God had forgotten about him.

But still, he had to try. Closing his eyes, he whispered, "It's been a while since I've really prayed like this. Usually, I'm just praying in my head before I fall asleep but… this is really important." he paused. "God, I- I need help. My friends need help. James is in such bad shape right now and it really scares me. He's hurting himself because he's so sad, and I don't know what to do. Kendall's just as bad as James; he keeps waking up in the middle of the night screaming and crying from nightmares. But he won't let anyone help him, and even if he did, I still wouldn't know what to do ." Carlos felt tears burning in the back of his eyes. "Ever since Logan died, the three of us… we just haven't been the same. I knew that when we all said we weren't going to be friends anymore, it was a bad idea. But I had no idea that it would cause something like this. I had no idea that it was going to cause Logan to kill himself." Carlos sniffled, feeling a stray tear make its way down his cheek. "I really don't know what to do anymore, and- and I just need some answers. Please." Carlos's voice started to crack and he sniffled again. "Amen." he finished in a shaky voice and crawled back into bed. For some reason, he didn't feel as satisfied as he thought he would have.

He clearly need someone else to talk to.

* * *

><p>The weekend came and went, Logan's funeral had passed… Yet another Monday came around and the boys were back in school once again. When everyone was arriving to school, it seemed like life had just went on for everyone else. Sure, they all felt sadness for what happened, but they still kept their lives going. Everyone was able to do that except for Carlos, Kendall, and James. They still blamed themselves for Logan's death, especially after watching his video, and it seemed like nothing anybody could say or do was going to help them. They wouldn't talk to anyone, not the school psychiatrist or their parents. They hardly even talked to each other. They seemed to be suffering in silence.<p>

They had thought that they were going to get some closure over the weekend and maybe start feeling better, but it wasn't happening and they knew it. And Carlos couldn't do that anymore. He needed someone to talk to; he needed to feel better. He didn't want to hide his feelings like Kendall, or hurt himself like James. He just needed something, or someone, who could make him feel like the entire world wasn't going to end.

That's why he was here after school that day. Carlos felt like the biggest creep just watching her right now but it was all he could do right now. He couldn't get his legs to function properly to walk over to her so he just stared.

Her name was Laura. They had a few classes together, and she was one of the smartest kids in his English class, Logan being the other.  
>Logan. Just the thought of his name put a lump in Carlos' throat and made his mouth go dry. <em>Focus on Laura<em>, he told himself. If he was going to talk to anyone, she would be his best bet.

Everyone at school called her a "Jesus freak" because she was very religious but nobody understood that her faith was everything to her. She and Carlos used to be in the same youth group at their church before he stopped going. And even though they didn't talk much, she was very insightful and he admired her for standing up for what she believed in. She was the person to talk to right now.

It took a few more seconds but he was able to walk up to her. "Hey Laura."

The blonde girl looked up at him and offered a smile. "Oh. Hey Carlos."

Carlos relaxed a bit, realizing they were still on a first name basis with each other. "Are you busy?" he asked her timidly.

She shrugged. "Just reading." she closed her book- Carlos got a look at it as she was putting it down, The Lord of the Rings- and she focused her attention on him. "What's up?"

Carlos felt his mouth go dry again and a nervous pit was bubbling in his stomach. "Uh, I was wondering… could I ask you something?" he uttered softly.

"Yeah, of course." she patted the space next to her on the bench and Carlos took a seat.

He ran his fingers through his short black hair and then grasped his hands together, letting out a sigh. "Do you believe in God?" he blurted out, then mentally kicked himself. Of course she believed in God, what a stupid way to start off the conversation.

Laura, however, seemed unfazed and she didn't miss a beat. "Yes. Without a doubt."

Carlos licked his lips. "S-so, you believe in Heaven, Hell…"

"Naturally." Laura nodded.

Carlos' next question was so quiet, Laura had to strain to hear it. "Do you think Logan's in Heaven?" he whispered feeling the lump grow in his throat.

Laura reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "I don't doubt for a second, that Logan's in Heaven." she told him. "He was a good guy, he lived a good life. If anyone deserves to be in Heaven, it's him."

Carlos felt the tears stinging at his eyes. "Do you think I'm going to go to Heaven?" he asked her.

"Why do you ask?" Laura asked him.

Carlos sniffled and held his hands in his head. "Because it's my fault Logan's dead." he said.

"Oh, Carlos. It can't be your fault." Laura said.

"No, it is." he insisted. "We- we used to be so close, the four of us."

"You, Kendall, James, and Logan." Laura said.

"Yeah," Carlos sniffled again. "We- we were best friends but… we stopped one day. We weren't friends anymore. And I- I didn't know that it affected Logan so much." Carlos wiped his eyes furiously and Laura rubbed a comforting hand in circles on his back. "I was so stupid- we all were. And now, Logan's gone and-"

"Carlos, you can't blame yourself for this." Laura told him. "If Logan were alive-"

"If Logan were alive he would still be depressed, James would still be cutting, Kendall would still be pretending, I would still be miserable without the three of them." Carlos interrupted. "We should have never stopped being friends, but we did… and now we're all paying the price. And God probably hates me so much right now." Carlos felt Laura's arms wrap around him, hugging him, and he tilted his head to the side, resting it on top of hers as tears slipped down his cheeks. It was nice having someone who could listen, someone unbiased, who didn't know the situation personally.

"Carlos, listen to me." Laura said after a moment. "God does not hate you; don't think that for a moment. He loves you and He knows that you're hurting. He's watching down on you, and James, and Kendall and He's going to help you. God works in mysterious ways." she paused for a moment. "And Logan's up in Heaven watching you too. And I don't believe for a second that he blames you for what he did. Despite everything that's happened, Logan still loves you, and you still love him." Laura broke their hug for a moment and reached into her backpack. Carlos watched, wiping his eyes, as she pulled out her bible and started leafing through the pages. When she finally stopped, she read to him, "_Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand._" she looked up at him and took his hand. "Never forget that, Carlos." she told him.

Carlos choked back a sob and nodded before pulling Laura into a tight hug. "Thank you so much." he told her, his face pressed into her shoulder.

"Anytime." Laura told him. She held him for a few more minutes, letting him cry until he was okay enough to break their hug and talk to her again. "So talk to me about you." she told him.

"What about me?" Carlos shrugged.

"I mean, I know you had questions about God and Heaven and Logan, and I hoped I answered them good enough-"

"You did." Carlos assured her.

Laura continued. "So is there anything else you want to talk about? How are you holding up?"

Carlos sighed. "Me, Kendall, and James were at Logan's house before the funeral… and we went onto his computer, and found this video." he started to explain. "We watched it, and it was basically Logan telling us that he just gave up, but it sounded like he blamed us. First he read us this list, the warning signs of suicide, and just the fact that he made it known to us that he matched so many of them… it hurt so bad. Then he went on, saying how nobody cared about him but us, but since we hadn't talked in so long, he thought we hated him. And then he just said he was done."

"Oh my gosh," Laura put her hand over her heart. This was more tragic than she ever could've imagined.

Carlos nodded. "There were other videos, three. Specified for each of us but we didn't watch them yet. We're too scared to."

"You're afraid that Logan's going to say directly that it's your fault?" Laura asked, and Carlos nodded again. "Carlos, I don't think they're going to say that." she said. "Honestly, I don't believe that Logan really blames you guys."

"Then why would he do it?" Carlos asked "The Logan I know never would've thought about suicide."

"He was alone, Carlos." Laura said soothingly. "He was hurting and alone, and he just needed someone to lean on. But he didn't reach out for you guys the same way you guys didn't reach out to him."

"So, you're saying that it's not our fault?" Carlos asked.

Laura nodded. "I know it feels like it, but you didn't take the gun and point it at Logan's head. He did; he made that choice. Yes, things could've been done to prevent it, and yes, if you four still were friends this might've not happened but you can't go through the rest of your life blaming yourself. You need closure- all three of you do. And once you get that, things will be clearer again."

Carlos swallowed. "That'll be God working in his mysterious ways, right?" he asked her.

Laura smiled. "Right." she paused again. "If you could tell Logan anything right now, what would it be?"

"That I'm sorry." Carlos replied immediately.

"Well I would bet money on it, that if you apologized to Logan right now, he would tell you that he forgives you, and he loves you all the same." she said. "Just as much as you love him." Carlos smiled back and for once, it didn't feel fake or forced. It felt natural. He pulled Laura into one more hug, and when they broke their hug, Laura looked at her watch. "I have to go baby-sit." she told him apologetically. "But if you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to talk to me."

"I won't." Carlos said. "Thanks again, so much Laura. This really means a lot to me."

Laura smiled at him. "It's no problem whatsoever."

She was standing up to leave when Carlos said, "Wait." she turned to look a him. "Will you pray for me?" he asked her. "And for James and Kendall. They need just as much help as I do."

Laura took his hand in hers. "Of course I'll pray for you guys." she told him softly, and Carlos smiled again. And because of Laura, his heart didn't ache and hurt; it felt at ease for the first time in a long time.


	12. Chapter Eleven: Just A Phone Call Away

**a/n: sup all! I hope you all had a good 4th of July (: and here I am with a Kames-angst-ilicious chapter :D hope you all enjoy!**

**Chapter Eleven**  
><em>I can't sleep, the pills they never help. Try counting sheep still hurts like hell… Waking up just bring me down, down, cuz every morning you are nowhere to be found, nowhere to be found… - The Cab, "Lovesick Fool"<em>

Kendall wasn't the talk about his feelings type; he hadn't been that way since his dad died. He usually just locked up everything he felt in a box and then crushed it, never to have to deal with it again. Before when they were friends, Logan, James, and Carlos were usually able to get him to let it out, not keep everything bottled up inside, but there was just something about breaking down that made Kendall feel vulnerable. He felt weak, broken. He didn't like feeling like that.

Which was exactly why he was so against seeing a therapist.

Post-traumatic stress disorder was more complicated than Kendall thought it was. He assumed it was as simple as its name- some form of stress disorder you got from something traumatic happening to you. And his mom just happened to think he had it, because seeing your ex-best friend kill himself right in front of you is pretty traumatic, and was insisting he went to a therapist.

Kendall tried to not assume anything about things he really didn't know anything about, so he knew that going to a therapist didn't mean he was crazy, but he was still reluctant to go. Especially if he or she was going to diagnose him with some "disease" that he didn't know too much about.

That's why he was looking up what post-traumatic stress disorder actually was- if everyone thought he had it, he wanted to know what it really was.

Google wasn't the most trustworthy of sources, but it was always good to use when you wanted answers. So Kendall searched post-traumatic stress disorder in the search engine before him and clicked on one of the web links. Time to do some reading.

_PTSD is an anxiety disorder that some people get after seeing or living through a dangerous event. When in danger, it's natural to feel afraid. This fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to prepare to defend against the danger or to avoid it. This "fight-or-flight" response is a healthy reaction meant to protect a person from harm. But in PTSD, this reaction is changed or damaged. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they're no longer in danger._

Kendall stared at the little paragraph he just read and tried to make sense of it. He couldn't deny that he sounded like the had that, but he didn't find it necessary for him to try to talk to a therapist about it.

Why would he even want to talk about something he was trying to hard to forget?

Kendall shut his laptop, not wanting to read anymore of his- for lack of better term- "problem" and laid in his bed. He closed his eyes wanting to sleep, needing to sleep, but he just couldn't. If he needed anything more than therapy, it was just to be able to sleep through the night. He tried taking sleeping pills but they just never reacted with his body the way they were supposed to, and he constantly found himself laying awake in bed until unconsciousness took over him. He hated it. And it was late at night, when he was awake, was when he felt his most alone.

The blonde felt an ache in his chest and he reached over onto his dresser, blindly grabbing at his cell phone. Why was he doing this? He wasn't going to answer. But still, Kendall dialed the familiar number, hoping it hadn't changed, and after taking a deep breath, he raised his phone to his ear. After three rings, there was a click on the other line. James had answered. "Hey."

Kendall's brow furred together. "Why are you whispering?" he asked James, his voice at full volume.

"Because it's after two in the morning." James replied, 'duh' laced in his voice. Kendall's eyes widened and he turned to look at his clock. Sure enough, it was 2:17 am but for some reason, he didn't think it was that late. The lack of sleep must've been getting to him. "Besides, I don't want to wake up my dad." James continued.

"Yeah… how's that been lately?" Kendall asked tentatively.

"Uh, not much different than usual to be honest." James replied slowly, and Kendall assumed he must've been a little taken aback by him asking. Truth be told, Kendall hadn't asked about his life in years; the blonde didn't blame him for being a little cautious at the moment.

"That's not good." Kendall muttered, and said even quieter, "James, if you ever need a place to say my house is-"

"No thanks." James said quickly.

Kendall didn't know whether to be offended or concerned at this moment. "Why not?" he couldn't help but to ask. "Seriously, I don't mind."

"I do." James admitted. "Dude, it's weird enough hanging out with you now because honestly, you know we wouldn't even be talking if it weren't for…" there was a long pause on both of their ends. As much as Kendall didn't want to admit it, James was right. He really had no reason to start talking to him again- their friendship had ended completely, and the two of them had moved on. Same with Carlos, so why was Kendall trying so hard now to make an effort, when about a month ago, he didn't even care? Was it purely because Logan had died and he felt he owed it to the deceased to patch things up with his old friends?

Or was it because that deep down inside he missed James and Carlos?

"I just don't want to make things any weirder than they are." James was saying, snapping Kendall back to reality. "You know what I mean, right?"

"Uh, yeah- sure." Kendall stuttered, then paused for a few moments. "But if it's any consolation," he started softly. "I kind of... I mean, before Logan... I missed being your friend."

It went I quiet on James' end, if it weren't for his breathing, Kendall would've thought he hung up. As time ticked on, Kendall found himself growing antsy and nervous. "Jay?"

"Me too." James said so quietly that Kendall had to strain to hear him, but he did hear him. And that was all that mattered in his eyes. "Uh, I don't mean to be rude," James started, once again gathering Kendall's attention. "But why'd you call?"

"I kind of... don't know. " Kendall admitted. "I couldn't sleep at all."

"Everything okay? I mean, besides the usual." James asked him.

Kendall sighed heavily. "Just having a bit of an insomnia problem I guess." he replied.

"I can relate." James told him. "Have you tried sleeping pills?"

"They don't work." Kendall said dryly. "Something else I can add to my list of problems."

"What do you mean?" James inquired.

"My mom thinks I have post traumatic stress disorder." Kendall told him. "So I have to go to therapy now.'

James let out a chuckle. "Join the club."

"How do you know you have it?" Kendall inquired.

"My mom actually hired a therapist for me." Kendall knew James was rolling his eyes. "So I can get in touch with my emotions and learn to deal with my problems. What crap."

"Must be a mom thing." Kendall added.

"Well we all know my dad doesn't give a damn, so she had to do something- the first thing she's done for me since she split." James muttered.

Kendall went quiet, his head swarming with thoughts. "Can't you go stay with her?" he asked quietly.

James sighed. "Kendall-"

"Just forgive her for leaving, and go live with her." Kendall was saying. "Then you'll be safe."

"She doesn't want me back, Kendall." James replied. "And either way, I'm a big boy and I can deal with my dad."

"How, by slitting your wrists?" Kendall demanded harshly.

James scoffed. "Okay, who are you to judge me?" he asked. "You're not my friend so what I do and what happens to me doesn't concern you!"

"God, James why do you have to be so stupid?" Kendall snapped. "Why can't you just help yourself for once? Stop trying to deal with things you obviously can't and do something - anything other than hurting yourself or letting yourself get hurt!"

"Again, why do you care?" James asked.

The blonde groaned in annoyance. "Because I don't need to bury another friend, stupid!" he exclaimed.

"Newsflash Kendall: I'm not your friend!" James' voice was noticeably growing in volume. "And you don't even really care, you just want to feel better about yourself do in the long run, you can say that Kendall Knight was the ultimate leader. Face it, you just need to control everyone's lives and make everything about you! God forbid it doesn't go your way either, because in this world Kendall Knight had to be on top!"

A stream of profanities flew into mind but Kendall was too angry and hurt to say anything. Instead he just hung up his phone and threw it at the wall. It landed on the floor, broken in two pieces.

Kind of like his heart had.


	13. Chapter Twelve: Help, I Need Somebody

**a/n: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey everybody! So, this chapter is a longer one and I think it's pretty good, if you ask me~ but I'd rather have your guys' opinions of it (: so happy ready! I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Twelve**  
><em>Don't be afraid, I've taken my beating, I've shared what I've made. I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through. I've never been perfect but neither have you - Linkin Park, "Leave Out All The Rest"<em>

The room was quiet other than the sound of James' shoes tapping against the linoleum floor. He, Carlos, and Kendall were all seated in the waiting room of a grief counselor they were all going to see together. Today was their first group meeting and the ones to follow were going to be one-on-one sessions. For some reason, though, James found himself a little nervous. He didn't like the idea of someone prying in his thoughts, trying to know what he was thinking and feeling. He never wanted to talk about those things to begin with; they were his thoughts and feelings, and his alone. Nobody else needed to know.

He wondered how Carlos and Kendall were feeling about this situation but for some reason, he had a feeling they were on the same page as him. He knew Kendall better than anyone and he was positive that he was against this, and Carlos hadn't been much of a talker about negative feelings; he was a more of a "let's all think happy thoughts about kittens" type of guy. So all in all, James had a feeling that they weren't any more eager about this group therapy session than he was.

James felt a hand on his shoulder and he nearly jumped out of his skin, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment. He looked over at Carlos and gave a small smile. The Latino rubbed his shoulder soothingly. "It's going to be okay." he told him. He seemed to be saying that a lot lately, either because he truly believed it or he believed if he said it enough it would be true. "Just relax; you're too tense."

James let out a dry chuckle. "I'm always tense." he replied. "It's nothing."

"You're stiff as a board." Carlos said, concerned. "You're going to snap in half if you don't relax."

James just shrugged and ran a hand through his hair before glancing over at Kendall, who had been suspiciously quiet. He was tempted t ask him if he was okay but after last night's phone call, he didn't find it a good choice to make.

"So, um," James started, wringing his hands together in a nervous habit. "Can I ask you both a question?" when Kendall and Carlos both nodded, all of their attention on him, he continued, "Can we not tell Dr. Shipman about the videos?" he asked timidly. "I- I don't think it's… I just don't think we should talk about them yet."

A silence hung in the air before Carlos said, "I agree." and Kendall nodded. "Make it official?" Carlos asked, extending his arm and sticking out his pinky finger. James and Kendall both glanced at each other briefly before following suit and the three of them hooked their pinkies together.

The sound of a door creaking open capture all of their attention and a woman walked into the room they were in. "James Diamond, Carlos Garcia, and Kendall Knight?" she asked.

Kendall weakly raised his hand. "Right here."

She flashed them a warm smile. "Come right into my office boys." she said. Reluctantly, James, Kendall, and Carlos all stood up and followed her into her office.

Linda Shipman was a certified child psychologist and grief counselor, hired by not only the Garcias, Mrs. Knight, and Mrs. Diamond, but the boys' high school to be there to talk about how everyone was feeling since Logan's death. James Diamond, Carlos Garcia, and Kendall Knight were the first group to talk to her, probably the most important group of people to talk to her too because of their relationship with Logan. She hoped that in the hour they had together, she would get them comfortable to open up and express their feelings.

The three boys took a seat on the clichéd couch inside of her office and she sat behind her desk, each of their files opened before her. "So," she began, folding her hands and smiling at the three solemn looking teenagers. "How about we just start off getting to know each other? Just say something about yourself and then why you think you're here today." she suggested. "I can go first if you'd like." they mutely nodded. "My name is Linda Shipman. My favorite color is purple, I write vampire fiction in my spare time, and I'm here today because I want nothing more than to help you three." the warm smile never left her face and she hoped that she was making the boys more comfortable, since they looked so tense. A heavy silence hung in the air as each of the three boys contemplated taking their turn, and thinking about who was going to go before them. Nearly a minute passed but Linda waited patiently for them to feel ready to talk.

"My name is Carlos." he finally said in a small voice. "I like winter snowstorms, summer breezes, and seeing cats get what's coming to them." Linda smiled at Carlos' general innocence. It was refreshing. "And I'm here because…" he paused in thought, chewing on the inside of his cheek for a moment. "Because I want you to help me… help us… I don't want to hurt anymore." he finally whispered.

"Carlos, I promise I'll do everything in my power to help you. All three of you." she told him sincerely. Carlos nodded and then looked down in his lap.

James sucked on his bottom lip, chewing it tenderly between his white teeth, deciding he wanted to go next. "I'm James." he sighed. "I like singing, I like pie… that's about it." Linda let out a small chuckle. "And I'm here because I apparently have post traumatic stress disorder. At least that's what my mom says, but I… I think she's right." Linda nodded understandingly and then turned her attention onto Kendall.

"I'm Kendall." he finally uttered softly. "I like pink smoothies, playing hockey… and I'm here because my mom wants me to talk to someone."

"Fair enough." Linda said with a small chuckle. "And now that we all know each other, do you guys think you're ready to talk about Logan?"

The silence returned and the three tensed up once more. Linda expected this- talking about a tragedy like this one couldn't be easy. But the point of their meeting today was to get a general idea of how they were feeling and their point of view on everything.

"I can't stop thinking about it." Carlos finally said, startling the three others slightly. "Every morning I wake up, Logan's the first thing on my mind. He's the last thing on my mind before I go to bed. I keep replaying that day over and over in my mind; I can't forget about it."

"Forgetting about it's the hardest part." Linda said soothingly.

"You're telling me." Kendall muttered.

Linda nodded. "So I take it you're all having trouble with that- the fact that you can't get Logan or the incident off your minds?"

"I'd say that's right." James sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

"Well like I said before, forgetting is the hardest part. And it's completely understandable that you three have it on your minds all the time; you were the ones who were there when Logan killed himself."

"That's the part I wish I could forget the most." Carlos said. "Everything he said, it was just…" he trailed off, shaking his head and looked down at his shoes, sighing heavily.

"What did Logan say?" Linda asked gently.

The three boys just looked at each other for a moment, before Kendall let out a shaky breath, turning to look at her. "It's like this…"

* * *

><p><em>"Logan that- that thing isn't loaded is it?"<em>

_Logan smirked sort of sadistically and it scared James even more than the fact that he was holding a gun. "Let's find out." he said and started to raise the gun to the air._

_"Logan-" James was interrupted by a gunshot firing. He visibly flinched and backed up away from Logan while everyone screamed in terror._

_Logan pulled the trigger again, firing another shot in the air. "Believable enough for you?" he asked James, who had covered his ears. "Or do you need one more to be thoroughly convinced?"_

_"Logan stop it!" a different voice said. James and Logan both looked off to the side to see Carlos crawling out from under one of the tables. "Logie, please. You're not thinking clearly." Carlos told him, trying to remain calm. "Just- just put the gun down and it'll be ok."_

_"Ok?" Logan asked. "What do you know about me being ok, Carlos? You haven't talked to me all year!" Carlos swallowed thickly and wrung his hands together. "But what does that matter, right?" Logan asked him, then looked back to James. "I don't matter to you guys anymore, right?"_

_"You're wrong Logan!" another new voice said. This time it was Kendall. He crawled out from under another table and warily walked over to the boy with the gun._

_"Oh look, it's a reunion." Logan said, sarcasm dripping from his lips. "Tell me, did you guys even think this would happen again- the four of us together in a room? The same room, by the way, because that hasn't even happened in months. Did you even think we would talk again? Or did you ever imagine that it would take me with a gun to bring us back together?"_

_"Logan is that what this is about?" James asked him._

_"It's just everything James!" Logan cried. "I can't do this anymore! I can't do this alone!"_

_"Do what Logie?" Carlos asked quietly._

_"Don't call me Logie." Logan seethed and Carlos jumped back in surprise. "You haven't called me that since we stopped being friends, don't even think of calling me that now!"_  
><em>"Logan, we just want to help you." Kendall insisted.<em>

_"You haven't wanted to help me in months." Logan replied. "Why do you care now?" The other three didn't know how to reply to that. Everything Logan was saying was true and it was starting to make them more nervous… was it their fault he was doing this?_

_"Logan, just put the gun down and we'll talk." James told him._

_"Yeah you don't want to do anything drastic." Carlos added, and Logan just rolled his eyes in reply to that._

_"Logan, please just listen to us." Kendall said, trying to reason with him._

_Logan scoffed. "Oh you are one to talk about listening." he told him. "All three of you! You have no right to tell me to listen to you when you've haven't been listening to me! You know guys, some people are just dying to be heard!" Logan yelled at them, causing the four boys to flinch. "But you just don't get it. You never did, and now I guess you never will." he added in a whisper._

_"Logan-"_

_"No, you guys just don't understand!" Logan cut Kendall off. "I- I feel like I could be screaming as loud as I could but no one would hear me; you guys wouldn't hear me!"_  
><em>James and the guys felt completely horrible right now, but they were also confused. Why was Logan so caught up on the three of them? They weren't the most important people in the world.<em>

_What they didn't realize was that they were the most important people in his world. And that had been the problem from the very start._

_"Logan, we can fix this." Carlos said in a shaky voice. "Just- just put the gun down."_

_Logan shook his head. "Maybe now you guys will finally realize." he cocked the gun, the sound forever echoing in everyone's minds._

_"You don't want to do this, man." James whispered._

_Logan let out a humorless chuckle. "It's too late. Like you ever cared." he whispered then put the gun to his forehead, pinching his eyes shut, the last of his tears falling down his cheeks._

_"Logan no!" Carlos' screams were drowned out by the sound of the trigger being pulled, the gun firing… the bullet entered Logan's head, killing him instantly. He crumpled to the ground, blood pooling from his head. His face looked relaxed, as if he were asleep but the boys knew otherwise._

* * *

><p>"It was our faults this happened." Kendall finished. "I- I mean, he clearly blamed us, if we would've just listened before-"<p>

"Kendall you can't blame yourself for this." Linda interrupted.

"Why not? Logan did." James countered.

"Logan said those things out of anger and hurt." she told him. "I don't think that he would blame his friends-"

"Ex-friends." Kendall corrected her. "We, uh, stopped being friends a while ago. All of us."

Linda took note of this. "Would you guys like to talk about what happened?"

Once again, the three boys looked at each other wordlessly. "What's there to talk about?" Carlos said. "It happened, and now Logan's dead. So I think it's safe to say it's our fault."

Linda sighed, deciding that this would be a better topic to talk to the boys one-on-one about, just to see where each of them stood on why they were to blame. "I don't want you boys thinking it's okay to blame yourselves for this," she started. "But there are ways to help you all deal with everything that happened and the blame and guilt that you're all feeling. For starters, how have you guys been coping?" she asked.

Wordlessly, Kendall and Carlos simultaneously glanced at James, and once he realized everyone's stares were on him, his chest tightened. Thanks a lot guys, he thought before glancing up at Linda. "I'm uh, I'm having some trouble…dealing." he admitted.

"Trouble how?" Linda asked gently.

James bit down on his lip. "I'm not sure if I should say." he said softly. "No one knows…"

"James I promise you, everything said in his room is confidential. It just says between us." Linda told him. "You can trust me, and you can trust your friends." James swallowed thickly and nodded, gaining the courage to slowly roll up the sleeves of his shirt, revealing the lines of scars, old and new, on his arm. "Oh James." Linda sighed and then took mental note of this.

"I'm sorry." he whimpered, feelings of shame hitting him hard as he quickly pulled his sleeves down and tucked his arms securely against his middle.

"I understand this is hard for you, but you can't take out your feelings by hurting yourself." Linda didn't sound judgmental or disappointed in him; she just sounded concerned for James, and that's what he liked best about her. Even if he was against seeing a therapist to begin with, he was happy to have her.

"I know it's just hard." James replied softly.

"When we first found out, me and Kendall wanted to help him." Carlos told Dr. Shipman. "We didn't want him to hurt himself anymore."

Linda smiled. "I think that's great." she said. "And I think the important thing is that you all remember that no matter what, you all have each other." she told them. "Nobody will understand what you're going through other than all of you. If you all just remember to depend on one another when you're feeling low- or in James' case, like hurting yourself- you'll all be okay in due time."

Kendall, James, and Carlos thought about what she said, and realized that she was right. No one would understand what they were feeling or thinking other than them, and like she said, they needed to depend on each other to keep each other sane.

Now they just had to remember that.

* * *

><p>There was just something about the way people looked at you that helped you realize exactly what they were thinking. When they walked through the halls, everyone used to look at the boys with a look of pity in their eyes and they just knew that everyone felt bad for them. Today was different though, and everyone was giving the boys looks that they couldn't decipher. Almost as if they knew something about them that they didn't know. Something bad.<p>

When Carlos walked into his English class, he took a seat next to Laura and he couldn't get over the stares the was receiving. "Hey," he whispered to her, and she looked over at him. "Is it just me or is everyone staring?"

Laura looked around the classroom and even she couldn't deny that everyone in their classroom was glancing over at Carlos. "Don't mind them." she offered with a small smile.

"I feel like they're all talking about me or something." he added and Laura started to look uncomfortable. "What?" he asked. "Are they talking about me?"

Laura shrugged. "I mean, it's high school. What don't people talk about?" she said.  
>Her answer didn't sit well with him and Carlos swallowed hard. "What do you know?" he asked, his voice shaky.<p>

"Technically, nothing." she replied, a bit hesitantly. "You can't know rumors- you can hear them, but you can't know them."

"Well then what have you heard?" he asked next.

Laura paused, taking a deep breath, and then looked down at her lap. "People are saying," she started slowly. "That it's your guys' fault Logan killed himself."

* * *

><p>James felt rough hands grabbing at him and yanking him into the boys' bathroom. He was thrown up against the wall and a hand was placed over his mouth, silencing him, while his arms were restrained. "Well, well, well." the boy in front of him said. James had no idea what his name was, but he recognized him as a member of the hockey team. "Look who we have here." James let out a muffled cry in protest, but he was ignored.<p>

"Looks like we've got a murderer on our hands." the boy's friend said, and James' eyes went wide.

"So how does it feel," the hockey player asked him. "Knowing that it's your fault Logan's dead?" tears started to slip down James' cheeks and he thrashed around, trying to free himself. "C'mon pretty boy." the boy poked him in the chest and James flinched. "What's it feel like being a murderer?"

"Looks like he's having trouble coping." the other guy holding back James said, letting go of his arm and rolling up his sleeve to reveal the cuts and scars on his arm.

The hockey player shook his head. "Such a shame." he said. "You don't even deserve life, and here you are wasting it." he wrapped his hand around James' wrist, and the brunette boy let out a muffled whimper. "Worthless." he growled and squeezed James' wrist tightly. The fiery pain from his cuts flared up his arm and it burned. The instant pain he felt caused him to scream, but he was ignored. In fact, he was being laughed at. And finally, he understood what it felt like to truly be worthless.

The bathroom door opened and James saw through his teary eyes Carlos and Kendall walk in. "Hey, Knight!" the front man called to Kendall, giving James' wrist another tight squeeze, causing James to let out another scream/sob. Kendall started walking over to him. "Wanna help me take care of this piece of s-" he never got to finish his sentence because Kendall's fist went flying into his jaw. James was released by all three of them and he sank down to the floor.

"Get out of here now, or I'll really make you sorry." Kendall snarled. "Go!" the three boys heeded Kendall's warning and they were gone like the wind. Kendall's expression softened, and he and Carlos were by James' side almost immediately. James was seated on the bathroom floor, salty tears falling down his cheeks and he rubbed his pained wrist. It was red and irritated, but none of his scars reopened. "James, what happened?" Kendall asked him, rubbing his shoulders in hopes of calming him down. James didn't say anything, he couldn't even meet their eyes.

"C'mon, James, talk to us." Carlos pleaded. "Please?"

James let out a shaky breath. "They were right." he said quietly, then sniffled.

"Right about what?" Carlos asked. "What did they say?"

"T-that I'm worthless," tears started falling faster. "A-and I'm a murderer." James let out a sob, and Kendall's and Carlos' hearts broke even more, if that was even possible. "And that I don't- I don't deserve life." James finished, raising his hands to wipe his eyes. "And they're right."

"James, they're not right!" Kendall insisted and pulled him into a one-armed hug. Carlos joined in on the other side. "Please don't believe a word they said."

James nodded his head. "It's true." he whimpered.

"It's not true." Carlos told him. "You deserve life as much as the next person."

"So did Logan, and look what happened!" the brunette boy cried.

"Logan made a choice," Carlos said, remembering Laura's words. "He made a choice not to reach out to us when he needed help, and he suffered in silence. We couldn't have prevented that even if we tried just because we didn't know." James sniffled and rested his head on Carlos' shoulder. "Don't worry James, you'll be okay." he told him, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly. "We're here for you."

Carlos' statement triggered something in him, and James turned to look at Kendall. "Why did you come in here?" he asked, tears shining in his eyes. "Why did you help me?"

Kendall's heart ached, and he reached out and pulled James into a tight hug. "It's like Dr. Shipman said; no matter what we have each other."


	14. Chapter Thirteen: See You In Your Dreams

**a/n: JAGAN FLUFF :D whoo hoo! So Laura gave me the idea for a happy-go-lucky chapter, and I decided that was fair to the boys, seeing as all the angst I'm going to give them throughout this story lol. And I got inspired to write this one after watching the episode of Degrassi where JT died (when I stopped crying of course). This whole chapter is just a dream, FYI, and I hope you guys like it as much as I do :D I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Thirteen**  
><em>If you're lost you can look, and you will find me, time after time. If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting, time after time - Cyndi Lauper, "Time After Time"<em>

It was late at night, and James had a headache. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't fall asleep and his headache wasn't going away. He buried his face so far into his pillow that he might've suffocated himself if he hadn't rolled over onto his side. "Why is the lamp on?" he mumbled, upon realizing that the source of his headache- or maybe just the reason that it wasn't going away- was due to his bedside lamp glowing profusely, the light burning against his closed eyelids.

"Sorry, my fault." a voice said, apologetically.

James recognized the voice and forced his eyes open, blinking a few times until the blob sitting on his floor before his bed became clear. "How's the book?" he asked through a yawn.

Logan shrugged. "It's okay." he replied, folding down his page and then shutting it. "I mean, it's a little bland and the plot is a tad played out, but I guess I can't complain." he sighed wistfully. "I just hate how modern writers can't seem to go back to the roots of great literature. I mean, where's the next Wuthering Heights? War and Peace? Heck, I'll even be happy with anything that doesn't involve vampire love interests."

James smiled tiredly. "I asked how the book was, not for a book report." he said teasingly.

Logan chuckled. "Sorry. It's hard for me not to get passionate about books."

James' smile grew a little, and he patted the side of his bed, motioning for Logan to come sit next to him. "Well if you're anything, it's passionate." he said as the smaller boy took a seat on the edge of his bed.

"I think that's one thing we have in common." Logan told him. "I mean, when you set your mind to it, not much can stop James Diamond." the brunette boy smiled at that. "Mr. Hollywood Pop Star." Logan added teasingly.

"As if." James chuckled. "Only in my dreams."

"And like I said, when you set your mind to it, nothing can stop you Jay. Your dreams will come true, I know it." Logan told him.

The brunette boy smiled at him. "Thanks, Logie." his smile faded shortly after when his head started to pound annoyingly, and painfully. He brought his hands up to his temples and rubbed them gently. "Ow."

"Headache?" Logan asked, sympathetically, and James nodded "You've been getting a lot of those, lately."

He didn't know how Logan knew that, but James ceased in his actions because he knew it would only make Logan worry more. "I'll be fine." he insisted.

Logan sighed. "You always say that, but for some reason, I don't believe it." he said softly.

"Logie, you worry too much." James said.

"And you don't worry enough." Logan countered.

"Well, we're a perfect pair then." the brunette joked.

"James," Logan sighed, shaking his head, trying to fight the grin on his face. "Seriously though, you need to take care of yourself."

"I do take care of myself, Logan." he said, rolling his eyes.

"You do, do you?" Logan asked, and James- very condemningly- nodded his head. "Show me your arm then." Logan said simply.

Just like every other time someone mentioned his cuts, James felt his heart stop for a second, and then start pounding really hard in his chest. He could feel himself breaking out in a sweat, and he even started to shake a little. He swallowed, his throat suddenly feeling dry. "There's nothing to see." he said, hoarsely. "I'm fine."

Logan looked skeptical at that. "You always say you're fine and you never are." he replied.

"Logan, I- I promise." he stuttered, choking on his lie. Logan still looked disbelieving, but he didn't press the subject any further. James swallowed again, before saying, "And I listen all the time." but for some reason, that tasted like a lie too. "You're the smartest person I know, of course I listen to you." he continued, ignoring the strange way he started feeling.

This time, Logan rolled his eyes. "I have a feeling that nobody listens." he said.

"What makes you say that?" James asked.

Logan shrugged. "Just a feeling I have." he replied. "And if no one will listen, then no one will miss when I'm gone." Logan's statement triggered something in him and James felt a wave of nausea wash over him when Logan said that, and he sat up suddenly, sure he was going to throw up. "Hey, what's wrong?" Logan asked, brushing a hand against James' forehead.

"Nothing," James shook his head, laying back down, feeling his stomach calm down. "Just feeling a little off, I guess." he added, noticing Logan's nervous stare. "Must be the lack of sleep getting to me." he joked, laying back down.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Logan inquired.

"Insomniac." James shrugged. "You know how it is. You were always awake when I called you in the middle of the night."

Logan's lips curled into a smile. "I can still remember our three am phone calls." he said and James laughed lightly. "What exactly did we talk about?"

"I think we covered everything under the sun." he replied, still laughing a little at the memories.

"Yeah." Logan smiled. "I miss our talks."

"Me too." James said softly. "When I'm awake at three in the morning, I wish I could just pick up the phone and call you."

"Why can't you?" Logan asked him. The question was so simple, but the answer was even harder to say, and the realization of it all hurt James more than anything. "I mean, I missed this too though." Logan said, catching his attention again. "Staying up late, talking to you. I missed my best friend." James' smile started to fade. "But we can start doing this again and- what's wrong?" he asked, finally noticing the sad look on James' face.

James sighed, sadly. "It's never going to happen, Logie." he said softly.

"Why not?" Logan asked, confused.

"Because you died." James said. The sudden memories of Logan's death came rushing to mind and a single tear slid down James' cheek.

"B-but I'm sitting right here with you." Logan insisted.

"It's not real; you're just in my memories." James told him, pushing himself up into a sitting position.

Logan looked down at his lap, fiddling with his hands. "Well can I come and visit?" he asked, timidly.

James smiled, despite another tear sliding down his face. "Anytime you want." he said, reaching out to place a hand on his old friend's shoulder.

Logan raised his head to meet James' eyes. "And you promise you won't forget me?" he asked.

"How could I forget Logan Mitchell?" he asked.

Logan chuckled and reached out to wipe his tear away. "I got to go now." he said softly. "See you in your dreams?"

"You know it." James smiled. He tried not to let anymore tears fall as he laid back down in his bed, turning the lamp off, and watched as Logan disappeared in front of him. He sniffled and rolled back over onto his side, pulling his covers up to his chin.

_"I love you, bro."_ Logan's voice rang out in his ears, and James smiled.

"Love you too, Logie."


	15. Chapter Fourteen: The Random Night

**a/n: Oh gosh, not gonna lie but I really just couldn't wait to upload this one! Okay, are you guys ready for this… the chapter that tells you what REALLY happened between the boys… are… you… ready? ps: I haven't mentioned this in a while but HUGE thank yous to all that have reviewed this :D seriously, it means the world to me! And without further ado, enjoy your daily dose of angst. I don't own anything. pss: my prayers go out to those in Colorado, and are with anyone affected by the shooting in Colorado -heart-  
><strong>

**Chapter Fourteen**  
><em>This is endless... Someone help me cuz the memory convinced itself to tear me apart, and it's gonna succeed before long. This is the memory, this is the cures of having too much time to think about it; it's killing me... - Mayday Parade, "The Memory"<em>

"James?"

He gasped a little, his eyes flashing open and was confused to see Carlos and Kendall in his room, hovering over him. He laid there a moment, chest heaving, trying to calm himself down. "What are you guys doing here?" he asked softly.

"You didn't come to school, so we called your house to check up on you, but nobody answered." Carlos explained. "We were worried, so we just ditched."

James looked at the clock on his wall- it was past eleven. He definitely was late for school, but he couldn't find it in him to care, even a little. "My dad's at work." James mumbled, forcing himself to sit up. His body ached, as if he had been slammed into the boards nineteen times. "I guess he didn't care if I went to school or not… I must've been really asleep. Though, I don't remember falling asleep last night-"

"James, is everything okay?" Kendall asked, furring his eyebrows together when he saw the tears building up in James' eyes.

James sighed and brought his hands up, covering his face. "It was." he mumbled. "Until I woke up."

"Something you want to talk about?" Carlos asked.

James shook his head. "I just had a really good dream." he replied, his voice slightly muffled from behind his hands. "I didn't want it to end."

"I know what you mean." Kendall said, taking a seat on the edge of James' bed, and James had an urge to push him off because that was the same spot where Logan sat in his dream and it still felt too soon. "It's been, like, two weeks since the day Logan died and it still seems… fresh."

Carlos sighed and took a seat on the other side of James' bed. "Yeah, I'm just waiting for the day that I wake up, and I don't have to remind myself that he's gone." he said softly.  
>James looked at his clock one more time. "Eleven-forty-seven." he said with a sigh. "This is when we lost him."<p>

The three boys went silent for a moment, all kinds of thoughts swimming around in their heads. "Guys," Carlos said, somewhat timidly. "I'm sorry."

Kendall cocked an eyebrow. "Sorry for what, bud?"

"For whatever happened that made us stop being friends… that made all of this happen." Carlos muttered sadly, and another silence followed only this time, all three boys were thinking of the same thing.

The random night that none of them could take back.

* * *

><p><em>The summer before senior year was when everything started going downhill for the boys.<em>

_Before junior year had ended, James officially quit playing hockey to focus on "the dream" as he called it- he joined the school choir and the theater club. He got the lead in the school play and had a solo that got him the standing ovation that he always dreamed of. The only problem was, when he dreamed of his Standing O, he dreamed of his best friends being in the front row._

_He got two out of three that night._

_Junior year was the year that Kendall was named hockey team captain, the first junior in their school's history to be a captain. He was beyond happy about it, and while his friends were happy for him, they were starting to realize that hockey was more of Kendall's thing, not their own. Kendall didn't notice, however, because with his new title as captain, he automatically rose to the top of the school's popularity chain. He was friends with the senior varsity players, as well as some other jocks, and he could pretty much have any cheerleader that he wanted. To say that he was loving his new status was an understatement. And to say that his friends were loathing it, was an even bigger one._

_James was the first one to leave. He lasted about a month into the season before he officially resigned to Kendall. The blonde boy wasn't happy with his decision, and ultimately the two of them argued about it relentlessly for a week. Kendall told James that he was one of the best defensive players they had and quitting was selfish; James told him that he was tired of Kendall bossing him around and acting like he was in charge of not just hockey, but his life. Kendall denied that, and when James brought up the fact that he thought he was better than everyone because he was now popular, the blonde retorted that he was just jealous._

_The fight wasn't pretty and Carlos and Logan hated feeling stuck in the middle of it. All they wanted was their friends to be friends again, so the four of them could hang out like old times. Because lately, Kendall and James couldn't even be in the same room without fighting with each other and their time together was more than likely cut short._

_"There's got to be something we can do about it." Carlos was telling Logan as the two of them walked home from school. Both James and Kendall were staying after, James getting ready for the play and Kendall practicing some new plays, and the two shorter boys were left to walk home without their best friends. "I'm tired of the two of them fighting all the time, it's been going on for months."_

_Logan sighed. "I know." he said. "I know, I don't know why they're so hateful towards each other."_

_Carlos' eyes widened. "You think they hate each other?" he asked softly._

_"I'm sure they don't." Logan quickly reassured him. "They just need to remember that, and it's up to us to fix it."_

_"I'm going to James' house before the play, I can talk to him then!" Carlos said excitedly._

_"Okay, and I'll talk to Kendall before we head on over there." Logan concluded._

_When the two boys reached their respective homes, they went their separate ways and although they had a plan, Logan didn't feel confident. He hated it when his frights fought; it made him feel sick. And what made him even sicker was the possibility of them not wanting to be friends anymore. He always joked about how he "had to get new friends" but he didn't mean it in the slightest. He needed his friends more than they understood._

_Later that night, Carlos went over to James' house. The brunette boy was so nervous and excited about the play he couldn't even sit still. "I can't wait to hear your solo tonight." the Latino told him after they finished eating dinner- or Carlos finished and James just picked at his food because he couldn't stomach it or stop talking. "I'm sure Logan and Kendall can't either."_

_At the mention of Kendall, James' mood significantly dropped and his shoulders just rose and fell. "We haven't talked much, I don't think he cares." he replied before heading upstairs to get changed._

_"Maybe you and Kendall should talk." Carlos suggested as James got ready. "And maybe you could apologize…"_

_"Why should I apologize to him?" James demanded, angrily. "He's the one that's been acting all high and mighty since he became captain of the hockey team. Big deal."_

_"C'mon James, this is something he's really wanted." Carlos tried reasoning with him. "It's for his dad and-"_

_"No, he used to want it for his dad." James interrupted. "Now that he's Mr. Popular, it doesn't mean anything to him like it used to. Face it Carlos, he's changed and you know it just as well as I do."_

_Carlos chewed on his lip. "He hasn't… changed." he mumbled. James just rolled his eyes in reply to that. "Can't you just be the bigger person and make up with him?" Carlos whined._

_"Again, why should I apologize to him?" James repeated stubbornly._

_Carlos groaned. "James, the four of us hardly ever see each other anymore." he started. "Kendall's always playing hockey, you're always doing choir things, Logan's always studying, and I'm…" Carlos sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I just want things to go back to the way they used to."_

_James felt a little bad. "So do I, buddy." he said, slinging an arm around Carlos' shoulders. "I don't know why me and Kendall have to fight so much, and I wish we didn't but… I don't know, it's like ever since we all stopped playing hockey together we don't have anything in common anymore."_

_"We do." Carlos insisted. "We just need to reconnect."_

_James sighed and used his free hand through his hair. "Friends shouldn't have to reconnect." he mumbled, then turned to Carlos. "Okay, I'll try." he told his friend and couldn't resist the smile when he saw Carlos' face light up. "I'll talk to him after my show, but now I've got to get ready."_

_Carlos gave James a quick hug then told him, "Break a leg!" before leaving his house. He was so happy; things were finally going to be right again. He was on his way to Kendall's house where he knew Logan would be and waited outside of the blonde's bedroom. When he heard talking, he snuck a peak inside._

_"No."_

_"Please, Kendall." Logan pleaded. "James didn't mean to yell at you, he was just upset."_  
><em>"And that's my problem?" Kendall asked him. "It's not my fault he doesn't like that I'm doing something for myself."<em>

_"He does, he just misses you." Logan insisted. "We all do."_

_Kendall arched an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?" he asked._

_Logan sighed. "It's just, ever since we stopped playing hockey, it's like we don't see you anymore." he explained. "You're always off at practice and if you're not, you have plans with your new friends."_

_"So, what, I can't have friends?" Kendall inquired._

_This time, Logan groaned. "You're not getting it!" he exclaimed, making Kendall raise both his eyebrows in surprise. "I don't care that you play hockey or have other friends. Neither do James and Carlos. We just care that the four of us never hang out anymore because we all have our own things to do! And whenever we do manage to hang out, we can't do anything without you and James fighting!"_

_Kendall blinked in surprise. Logan never yelled or got angry like this; it was pretty scary. "So what do you want me to do Logie?" he asked quietly._

_Logan's expression softened. "I want things to go back to the way they used to be." he told Kendall._

_"I…" Kendall rubbed his temples. "I'm trying, Logan. Okay? I really am. I just can't help it sometimes- James just knows how to get under my skin with all those comments about the hockey team and my new friends." Logan nodded in understanding. "But you can't deny that he hasn't changed too." Kendall added. "He's letting the 'ladies man' title go straight to his head and he's even more vain then before."_

_"While that is true," Logan agreed then sighed again. "Can't you just be the bigger man for once Kendall?"_

_Now it was Kendall's turn to sigh because he always had to be the bigger man. Sometimes, it was just tiring to be the one that always had to back down and let everybody but himself be happy. "Like I said, I'm trying." he told Logan, only part of him was reminding himself that he really wasn't. "I've got to go now."_

_Logan raised an eyebrow. "Go where?"_

_"Some of my friends on varsity want to hang out and go over some hockey things." he explained, pulling his sweaty jersey and changing into a t-shirt._

_"Tonight?" Logan exclaimed. "But tonight's James'-" Logan was interrupted by a car horn honking and Kendall rushing out his bedroom, yelling goodbye over his shoulder. The other boy just shook his head sadly before gathering his things and leaving the Knight house. He was startled to see Carlos standing there, a forlorn expression on his face. "He's not coming tonight is he?" he asked softly._

_Logan sighed heavily. "I think he just forgot." he tried, but Carlos just slumped his shoulders and said they should be on their way to school. Logan followed him silently, regretting that he wasn't like Kendall for once; that he couldn't make things happen and fix everything._

_The play was a success but Carlos and Logan noticed the disappointed look on James' face right after his solo when he noticed Kendall wasn't out in the audience. When the play ended, the brunette boy was quiet as he, Logan, and Carlos walked home, Carlos and Logan telling him how great he had done. All James could do was nod and shrug and manage some of a smile, but the two other boys knew that he was hurting over this. And they didn't know what to do._

_In the middle of their walk, a car pulled up to the sidewalk next to them and Kendall got out. "Hey, what are you guys doing?" he asked, waking up to them._

_Logan and Carlos exchanged a glance, but James' voice was full of venom as he said, "Oh, nothing; just the biggest night of your best friend's night and you completely blew_  
><em>him off!"<em>

_A look of recognition washed over Kendall's face and he cursed silently under his breath. "Man, I'm sorry-"_

_"Whatever." James turned to walk away, but Kendall ran up to him and stopped him._

_"Dude, I'm trying to apologize; stop being stubborn for once and listen!" he told him._  
><em>James scoffed. "I'll stop being stubborn when you stop thinking about yourself." he replied.<em>

_"Excuse me?" Kendall raised an eyebrow. "If anyone only thinks of themselves, it's you!"_

_"Coming from the douche who blew off my play to hang out with his new popular friends!" James retorted._

_"I forgot!" the blonde exclaimed. "And do you really blame me? You've barely said two words to me in weeks and every time we try to talk, you end up auguring with me!"_

_"Oh, of course it's my fault!" James seethed. "Everything's always my fault and you're Mr. Perfect!"_

_"I never said that!" Kendall insisted, then rubbed his temples._

_"Not in so many words, but that's what you imply- you always imply that because you've changed, Kendall!" James cried. "You're not the same guy you used to be and we all know it!"_

_Kendall's head snapped to look over to Carlos and Logan, who flinched. "Do you guys really think that about me?" when Carlos and Logan just started to stutter, Kendall rolled his eyes and looked back at James. "I didn't change okay; I grew up. Why don't you try that?" James rolled his eyes and Kendall continued, "I don't know why you had to quit the team anyway. None of this would be happening-"_

_"I quit because you turned into a total jerk!" James interrupted. "You turned into those people we used to hate - one of those popular jerks who think they're better than everyone else because they're good with a stupid stick and puck!"_

_Kendall's eyes widened. "Last time I check, that 'stupid stick and puck' used to be your favorite sport before you ditched me!"_

_"I ditched you?" James' mouth went agape. "Me? Just because I wanted to do something for myself for once, that means I ditched you?"_

_"Well who said you had to completely give up hockey? Any of you, as a matter of fact?" Kendall asked, turning to look at Carlos and Logan. "Seriously, you guys just left and blew me off- three of my best players and my best friends screwed me over! We've been doing this together since we were five and now all of a sudden, it just means nothing to you?" the blonde scoffed. "Some friends, am I right?"_

_"You know what, Kendall? You are right!" James yelled. "You're absolutely right! In fact, you're always right! Everyone else is floating in a sea of wrong over here as you go by in your ship of right. Hey, why don't you throw me a lifeline?"_

_"Oh, get over yourself James!" Kendall snapped._

_"Guys, please stop!" Logan pleaded._

_"Stay out of this!" Kendall and James both yelled at him and Logan flinched, tears welling up in his eyes._

_"No, Logan's right- just stop it!" Carlos cried._

_"Alright fine, let's just stop it!" Kendall said, throwing his hands up in the air. "No, in fact, let's just stop this. I'm done with you guys."_

_"Fine with me." James rolled his eyes, shoving past Kendall to leave. Kendall turned in the opposite direction and left as well. Carlos looked at Logan, looking so lost and confused. He glanced in the direction James left in, then the direction Kendall left him, then back at Logan before just leaving altogether._

_Logan was just standing there. He never felt more scared and alone..._


	16. Chapter Fifteen: The Trials of Kendall

**a/n: shoutout to Miss Fenway for giving me the idea for my Kendall angst (: which, by the way, is what this chapter is about. Don't want to exclude anyone in the angst, do I? (; haha. But I'm not very pleased with this chapter because it's kind of suckish lol sorry guys; the next one will be better, I promise! One more thing, I never thought this story would get 50+ reviews, a huge, HUGE thank you to all of you guys :") it really means a lot to me. And yeah, hope you all enjoy! I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Fifteen**  
><em>I shot for the sky, I'm stuck on the ground. So why do I try? I know I'm gonna fall down. I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?- Jason Walker, "Down"<em>

"I'm sorry."

That's what Kendall wanted to say to James and Carlos. He wanted to apologize to everything that happened before and everything that's happening now, and he wanted to fix it. That's what he did; he fixed things. It was his job to fix everything, that's what he did. But he couldn't, he couldn't do anything.

Kendall's chest felt tight, it hurt to breathe. He didn't know when he developed so much anxiety before but he figured it had something to do with everything just falling apart.  
>He never felt like such a failure before in his life. He was supposed to be the leader- keep everything and everyone together. But thinking back on it, he realized that all he did was tear everything apart. Now he can't even help his friends, and he felt like he just failed everyone.<p>

He was nothing but a failure.

"Kendall? Are you okay?" James' voice brought him back to reality. He snapped his head up, looking James in the eye and the brunette boy saw panic written all over his face.

"Dude, you look really pale." Carlos said and Kendall's eyes flashed over to him. He took  
>in Carlos' worried expression and assumed he must've looked pretty bad.<p>

He pinched his eyes shut, trying to calm himself down but he felt his chest tightening even more and he was almost certain he was going to pass out if he didn't steady his breathing. He gripped his chest through his shirt and tried to convince himself to calm down. But his attempts were futile as he felt tears stinging at his eyes and a lump forming in his throat. Why was all of this happening?

"Kendall, c'mon, talk to us." when had James gotten out of bed? He felt James' hands on his shoulders, a hand rubbing circles in his back.

"You're scaring us." Carlos added. "And you're breathing funny."

Kendall was shaking. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. And he certainly didn't want to do this in front of James and Carlos. "I- I've got to go." he choked out, staggering out of James' room. He had too much on his mind, as usual, and he needed nothing more than to be alone.

He was rushing downstairs but as he made it downstairs, James and Carlos met up with him immediately after. "Hey, hey, hey!" James grasped Kendall by the shoulders and that was all it took for Kendall to collapse against James and start to cry. He was just so tired of this; tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of upsetting his friends, tired of being such a complete and utter failure. His cries turned to sobs and he curled up into a ball, hugging his pillow to his chest. His body wracked with sobs and he tried to calm himself down. He tried to convince himself that everything would be okay, but it was a lie and he knew that. Everything was spiraling out of control and there was nothing he could do to fix any of it.

"I'm sorry." he sobbed into James' chest. "I'm sososososo sorry guys. I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" he repeated it over and over again, finally able to say it. He felt two pairs of arms wrap around him, hugging him tightly. He heard words being whispered to him, trying to calm him down. They held onto him and let him cry, not asking for an explanation. But Kendall didn't feel any better because he finally understood what Logan said in his video when he said he hated himself.

Because now he hated him too.

* * *

><p>Kendall managed to calm himself down and stop the tears, but he still didn't tell James or Carlos what had egged on his breakdown. They didn't question it or pressure him to tell; they just sat with him on James' couch, comfortingly rubbing his back and shoulders as his heavy breathing evened out. His eyes were focused on the floor, his shoulders slumped. Carlos alarmed him by wrapping his arms around Kendall, pulling him into a sideways bro hug. "Don't worry; it'll be okay." He told him. James nodded in agreement, but Kendall found both of them hard to believe.<p>

A while later, both Kendall and Carlos left James' house, strategically planning it so they arrived the same time they would if they'd went to school. But unfortunately f or Kendall, his mom was already there waiting from him, a disappointed expression on her face. "Your school called." she said simply. "You missed a couple classes."

'Crap.' Kendall dropped his backpack down on the floor by the door and took a seat at the kitchen table with her.

"Anything you have to say for yourself?" Mrs. Knight asked him.

Kendall sighed, running a hand though his hair. "James didn't show up, and we were worried." He said softly.

"Honey, you can't just cut class though." She insisted, albeit gently. Kendall didn't say anything, he just hung his head, and she sighed. "Don't let it happen again." She finally said, and that was the end of their conversation.

Kendall was slightly surprised she was going so easy on him, but then again, she must've noticed his red-rimmed eyes and realized something bigger was going on than he said. Not that he was complaining though.

The blonde boy sighed to himself, leaving the kitchen and heading up to his bedroom. "Hey." A voice stopped him and he saw his younger sister, Katie, walking out of her room towards him. "I heard mom say you skipped school." She commented. "When did you become so bad ass?"

Kendall rolled his eyes. "One, watch your language." He told her. "And two, I'm not bad ass, I just went to James' house for the day. And I don't think having an anxiety attack constitutes as 'bad ass'."

Her eyes went from devious to worry. "Are you okay?" she asked.

His shoulders rose and fell. "I guess… I don't know." He admitted. "I probably won't be okay for a while."

"No one's expecting you to." She said.

"What do you mean?" he raised an eyebrow.

"It means you put too much pressure on yourself." She replied. "You always try to make yourself out to be invincible and unbreakable but… you're only human, Kendall."

Kendall managed a small smile. "When did you become so insightful?" he asked. "Last time I checked you were only twelve."

Katie chuckled. "Twelve's the new twenty; haven't you heard?" Kendall chuckled and reached out to ruffle his sister's hair, which she promptly dodged. "Take care of yourself, big brother." She said simply.

He nodded. "I'll try." And he would try- once he figured out how to. He left Katie and entered his bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind him before sliding down to the floor. He took a deep breath and once again, the familiar feeling of anxiety was filling up in his chest. 'God, not again' he thought miserably, holding his head in his hands. He didn't understand what was wrong with him today but he needed something to calm him down, put him at ease.

He needed Logan.

The thought of Logan sent his stomach lurching but he knew what he needed to do. He didn't bother going out the front door, he didn't want to explain it to his mom, or even talk about it at all. Instead, he simply opened his window and climbed out of it skillfully, like he had done many times before. When his feet hit the ground, he took off running. His destination wasn't an ideal place for him at the moment, but he needed to be there more than anything.

* * *

><p>Kendall realized he was nothing more than a cliché when he arrived to the graveyard for the first time since Logan's funeral. Kendall didn't do well with death; he had barely visited his dad's gravesite since he had passed away. It was stressful for him to be at a graveyard, but he forced himself out of his comfort zone and forced himself to pass the iron gates. He shook with every step he took, his heart pounded, his stomach was doing summersaults. But he needed to do this. He remembered that the last time he was such a wreck was after his dad died, and Logan convinced him to go visit to get the closure he needed.<p>

Closure… maybe that would make him less insane, less fragile… Katie's words rang out in his head and he thought 'less human'. He was the leader; he would always be the leader. He needed to be like Superman- he needed nothing to break him. He needed to be strong, to be brave, and to be able to handle anything and everything that came his way. And most importantly, he needed to be able to put everything back together, after it had fallen apart.

Especially when it was his fault that it had fallen apart to begin with.

Slowly but surely, he made his way to Logan's headstone. Roses surrounded it, resting on the patch of dirt that lay before it. They were yellow roses- Logan's favorite color. Kendall's heart started to ache when he looked at it. It was just so nice- if Logan was watching down like everyone said he was he knew for sure that he would like it. But at the same time, it nauseating. It shouldn't be like this, this shouldn't have happened. Why did it have to happen?

_"Today," he started sorrow evident in his voice. "We acknowledge a really terrible loss."_

Kendall dropped to his knees before it, brushing his hair out of his face, tears welling up in his eyes, thinking that he had killed his best friend. He was all he ever wanted, and he took him away. His chest felt tight, like there was a weight pressing down on it.

_"Today we come together to remember the life of Logan Phillip Mitchell."_

He reached out to gently touch Logan's headstone, the cold marble sending a shock throughout his body. He shivered. His head hurt. He tried to stop thinking; he closed his eyes and took a deep, albeit shaky, breath. But he couldn't stop the thoughts running through his mind, thoughts of Logan, his life and his death. Every moment he and Logan had ever experienced together were running through his memory, as if his life were flashing before his eyes. He wanted it to stop, it hurt too much to think of him. His head ached even more. He felt dizzy.

_"Although we know he had so much life left in him, we thank God for the seventeen years he did have. Let us pray."_

He opened his eyes and looked at Logan's headstone, tears slipping down his cheeks. He whispered, "Why Logie?"

That was the last thing he remembered before he blacked out.

* * *

><p>Kendall's eyes fluttered open, and he found himself wondering when he had fallen asleep. Then he found himself wondering where he was. When his vision cleared he saw his mom and sister hovering over him. "Hi." He whispered hoarsely. "Wh- what happened?"<p>

Mrs. Knight let out a sigh, tears dripping down her cheeks and pulled her son into a hug. "You blacked out at the cemetery." Katie explained, looking anxious. "When mom got your door unlocked and saw that you weren't here, she called Carlos' dad, and they found you passed out in front of Logan's grave. We weren't sure how long you'd been there but he brought you back home and you've been out for a few minutes."

Kendall's chest caved in again. Damn it. How did this happen? How did he manage to keep hurting people he loved? "I'm sorry." He whispered to his mom.

"Don't be sorry, sweetie." Mrs. Knight said tearfully. "It's okay. You're here and you're safe, that's all that matters." Kendall sighed and rested his head on her shoulder. He wrapped one arm around her and extended the other one towards Katie, holding her hand tightly. He felt a tear slip down his face. His mom and sister comforted him until he felt, not even okay, but better. And it occurred to him that they loved him even if he wasn't superhuman like he pretended to be, even if he couldn't solve all the world's problems, even if he was falling apart with everything around him. And when Carlos and James both called him later that night to check up on him, he realized they loved him too, no matter his flaws.

And maybe, someway, somehow, Logan still loved him too.


	17. Chapter Sixteen: We're Not So Different

**a/n: so who hates me for taking about thirty years to upload a chapter! -dead- I'm soooo sorry guys! Adiujgaha I was lacking inspiration for a while but I'm baaaaaaaaaaak :D This was sort of a last minute side-plot I thought of for this story, and it worked so well with everything and I love it; I hope you do too! (or at least like it lol). But here we have some James!Angst and a new character is introduced into the story! Who, you may ask? Well read and find out (: I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Sixteen**  
><em>If you want to, I can save you, I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares - Michelle Branch, "All You Wanted"<em>

When James first walked into his classroom, he became aware that he was the center of attention. But it wasn't in the way that he preferred it to be.

His entire class was staring at him, whispering about him. And he knew what they were saying; talking about Logan's death and how he's responsible, how he killed him. Everyone scampered off to any and all open seats to prevent him from sitting next to them. James sighed, looking around the room, trying to ignore the tension burning in his chest. In a sea of colors, there was a touch of black on black in the back of the room where Camille Roberts was seated, hovering over a book. James bit his lip; the two of them had never talked, so maybe she would let him sit next to her.

Then again, the entire school was talking about the fact that he was a murderer, so his chances didn't seem very great. But he took one anyway.

"Um, do you mind if I sit here?" he asked when he made it to the back of the room. "Everyone else kind of…"

"Hates you?" Camille supplied, a sinister smirk hidden behind her book. James bit his lip again and nodded. "I sympathize. Take a seat." she told him.

James felt the tension ease out of his chest and he sat down at the desk next to her. "I'm-"  
>"I know who you are." she propped her arm up on her desk and rested her cheek on her palm. "James Diamond. We've had classes together since-"<p>

"Since the sixth grade." James finished, remembering Camille back in middle school. She was a tiny, loud, energetic girl who always tried to be everyone's friend. Now, she had pulled a complete 360 - she dressed in all black and she avoided any and all social interaction. James couldn't help but to wonder what had happened.

Camille's lips curled into a smile. "You remembered." was all she said. James smiled back at her, but didn't say anything. "I don't believe it, you know." she said a moment later.

"Believe what?" James asked, confused.

"What they're saying about you." she explained, and James felt the tightness in his chest return. "He was your best friend. It wasn't your fault."

Camille didn't know it, but with those last four words, she made James feel better about himself than he had felt in weeks.

* * *

><p>"Hey pretty boy." Camille greeted James as she slid into the seat next to him.<p>

James smiled, putting his milk down and turned towards her. "Hey. I didn't know you had the same lunch as me." after spending the entire class period talking to Camille, she had already became a good friend to him. She had known at about him and he knew a lot about her; they had a lot in common and it was like she really understood him. James couldn't figure out why, but Camille was special to him already.

"Yup, I usually spend my lunch period in the library, but I missed breakfast today so I'm starving." Her eyebrows furred together, noticing his lunch - or lack of. His plastic tray was pretty much empty, save for a carton of milk and a salad that didn't even look like he had thought about eating. "Is that all you're having?" she asked him.

James looked down at his tray. If Carlos or Kendall were here, they would've insisted that he ate more, since lately he hadn't been eating much at all. And he knew it was bad, but he could barely stomach much lately. "Um, I had a big breakfast." he lied. "I'm not really hungry." at least that part wasn't a lie. Camille just nodded and started eating her own lunch. "So, um, why do you spend lunch in the library?" he asked her.

Camille shrugged. "It's not like I have anybody to sit with; people tend to avoid me like the plague. And besides, I really like to read."

"But why do people avoid you?" he pressed. "I mean, I think you're cool."

"Not everyone sees that." she replied. "They see the girl with the black makeup and the skull on her shirt."

"Then they don't see you." James said simply.

Camille's cheeks heated up as her lips curled into a smile. "Not a lot of people see you either, James. But I think I do." she said, then paused for a moment. "Come with me." she said suddenly.

James raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Come with me." she repeated, getting up and stuffing her books in her canvas bag.  
>James' eyes widened. "You want to leave the school?" he hissed. "Do you know how much trouble we'll get into?"<p>

"Do you trust me?" she asked him, hoisting her bag over her shoulder and extending his hand towards him.

He looked up at her with wide, innocent eyes. "What?"

"Do you trust me?" she repeated, her arm still extended towards him, waiting for him to grasp it.

James hesitated but for some reason, every fiber of his being was telling him to do this, to go with her. Something was saying 'yes, you can trust her,' so he reached for her hand and, as she more or less dragged him out of the cafeteria, he grabbed onto his backpack and prayed he wasn't making a huge mistake.

* * *

><p>Cutting class was easier than James thought it would be. During his lunch period, the security guard who usually sat by the exit, would disappear sobs where for exactly two minutes - according to Camille - which gave them enough time to escape down the hall to the back exit, where the alarm on the door was broken. All Camille had to do was push it open, then take James by the hand again and they were home free. And by "home free" he meant they were in the field behind the school, not entirely close enough to lie and say they were in gym class, but far enough to have a bit of serenity and privacy.<p>

"I come here a lot when I skip glass," Camille explained putting her bag down on the grass and taking a seat next to it. "It's a great place to relax."

"It's nice," James mused, taking a seat next to her. "Quiet, I'm not used to that."

"Same here," Camille replied. "Must be why I like it out here do much." she paused a moment. "Your parents fight a lot, I take it?"

"It's just me and my dad," James replied, his voice tight. "...We don't always see eye to eye." he finally said.

Camille nodded in understanding, but James knew she didn't really get it. No one did. "My mom and I fight a lot too - that is, when we're actually speaking."

"Sucks." James murmured.

Camille's shoulders rose and fell, and she sighed. Her eyes suddenly got wide. "Oh! I just remembered." James watched curiously as Camille dug into her bag, then pulled out something. "I made these for the whole school, but I wanted you to have one first," she explained, extending her hand to James.

He took her offering, looking down at what was in his hand and a lump formed in his throat. She had made a red weaved bracelet that said REMEMBER LOGAN engraved in it in black. James blinked back tears, uttering a thanks to her, unable to take his eyes off of it.

Camille reached out and started to put it on him. "Red and black were his favorite colors, right?" she asked and James nodded numbly. "Do you miss him?" Camille asked him, not turning to meet his eyes. She laid flat on her back, staring at the sky above her, her arms resting on her stomach. James snuck a peek at her. She looked so peaceful, so relaxed.

"Everyday." he replied, turning away to look up at the sky. "I wonder if it'll ever stop hurting - you know, missing him so much, thinking about him."

"It might." she replied. "Maybe… maybe one day you'll wake up, and he won't be the first thing you think about. And maybe you'll be able to spend a couple hours just being you for once."

"You talk like you know." James commented idly, his eyes drifting shut.

"I do a lot of reading." Camille said with a chuckle. "But I think that's the thing about books; no matter what, you know there's going to be a happy ever after one way or another. Even if the book is totally heartbreaking, you just know it'll be okay."

"I wish real life was a book." James said simply.

"Join the club." Camille said dryly. It was silent between them for a moment, but not an awkward silence - it was comforting, just peaceful. James liked that about Camille, how he could just stop talking and it wasn't filled with weirdness. She never made him feel weird. "Can you believe he did it?" she asked him suddenly. "Like, did you see it coming?"

The familiar tightness in his chest returned and James swallowed before replying. "No, we, uh, we hadn't really talked beforehand, none of us had. So it really took us by surprise…" he trailed off, not sure what else to say next but at the same time, he had a million of things to say. "Camille, have you ever thought about…" James paused to swallow. "Have you ever thought about killing yourself?" he asked her softly.  
>Camille surprised him when she replied, "Yes." he turned his head to look at her, but she kept a fixed gaze on the sky above her. "Doesn't everybody, I mean? Just imagine how…easier everything would be if you could just end it all."<p>

James was speechless, his mouth agape as he tried desperately to say something - anything. "Why?" he finally choked out.

"Life sucks and then you die." she replied. "Not much worth living for nowadays. At least, for me there isn't."

"Why?" he repeated, desperate for answers, and James pushed himself up so he was seated at her side. "Talk to me, please." he pleaded. "Just…" he didn't know what he was trying to get across to her but he knew if he got her speaking, he might have a chance to keep her from doing anything. At least for a little while longer.

Camille sighed heavily. "Nobody notices me." she said softly. "My parents, people at school… I'm just another blip on the radar. Nobody would care if I was gone."

Logan's voice rang in James' head… "And if no one will listen, then no one will miss when I'm gone." "I'd miss you." he said.

Camille chuckled dryly. "Don't worry about it, pretty boy, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." she told him. "Besides, I have ways of coping with… everything I feel."  
>"What do you mean?" James asked, not sure he really wanted the answer.<p>

Camille rolled over onto her side. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." she said simply.

Instinctively, James reached for the sleeves of his shirt and tugged them down, covering his arms fully. "I don't know what you're talking about." he mumbled, not meeting her eyes. His heart started pounding hard in his chest, his hands started to shake, and he felt a sharp pain in his shoulder, which was new to him but Logan had once told him stress could cause pain about anywhere in your body, so he wasn't too concerned.

Camille sat up, directly across from him and reached for his trembling arm, gently easing his sleeve up and revealing the myriad of scars in his skin. James couldn't take looking at them because even though he promised he would stop, there were still some fresh cuts lying beneath the surface. "How did you know?" he whispered, his voice hoarse.

"It's just… it' the way that you kept pulling at your sleeves all day - like you were trying to cover something up, the way you stared at the plastic knife on my tray." she explained. "I knew because I do the same things." The brown haired girl released his arm and reached for one of her pink and black stripped arm warmers, tugging them off. James' eyes widened in shock and slight horror when he saw that her arms matched his, if not worse than his own. Scars trailed up from her wrists to the crease in her elbow, and something told James she had more than just those. And it made his heart ache that she was hurting so much and nobody even knew. There was a reason why they bonded so well, a reason why he trusted her, a reason why she felt so special to him, and this was it - she understood his pain like no one else did, because she was dealing with her own in the same way.

She looked up at him, and when the two of them locked eyes, she whispered, "You and me, Diamond… we're not so different."

It was at that moment James decided that he wasn't going to lose Camille like he lost Logan.


	18. Chapter Seventeen: Carlos' Turn

**a/n: shoutout to Laura for catching on to all of Carlos' angst throughout the story. She has a right to be scared for him because… well all I can say is I'm sorry, and I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Seventeen**  
><em>And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long, so here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me, I'm not worth any tears…- Jamestown Story, "Goodbye (I'm Sorry)"<em>

That familiar pain shot throughout Carlos' body as he was slammed up against a locker, his head hitting against the metal and his body going limp on the floor. But even though it hurt, Carlos had wished it knocked him unconscious, just so the pain would go away for a little while.

Everyone around him laughed, pointed, whispered - did nothing to help him, but he didn't expect anything less. When you're dubbed as the school murderer, you're right up there with Ghostface, and not many people want to be your friend.

"Hey," Carlos heard a voice talking to him, but he was sure he was going crazy. He rubbed his temples with his fingers and looked up, a little surprised to see Kendall standing above him. The blonde extended his hand to him. "Need a hand?" Carlos nodded and took Kendall's hand, who pulled him up to his feet, and started dusting him off. "You okay?" he asked him.

"Been better." Carlos mumbled, rolling his shoulders back and trying to regain what little dignity he had left. "What about you?"

Kendall shrugged. "I'm alright." he mumbled, not meeting Carlos' eyes, and the Latino immediately knew something was bothering him.

"You sure?" Carlos pressed. "You could tell me if something-"

"Don't worry about me, Los." Kendall cut in. "C'mon, we're gonna be late to class."

"Kendall," Carlos sighed, reaching for the older boy's arm and halting him in his trek to get to class. Kendall grudgingly turned to face him, sighing heavily. "What's wrong?" Carlos asked him.

The blonde sighed. "It's just been a long day, and James and I are fighting again-"

"You guys just made up!" Carlos whined, not understanding how the two of them keep fighting - and over nothing at that. They never used to be like this.

"Well he's being stupid." Kendall grumbled, being stubborn as always.

Carlos sighed. "You two fighting is giving me heartburn." he said, leaning back against the row of lockers he was previously thrown into. "I haven't even been able to enjoy a corndog in days." okay, that last part was a lie, but it was true that Kendall's and James' fighting was taking a toll on Carlos, so Kendall deserved some guilt.

And it worked, because Kendall's face faltered noticeably. "I'm sorry." he said to him. "I know it upsets you when James and I fight, and I'm trying not to fight with him… he just aggravates me sometimes. Like skipping class to hang out with a girl - he shouldn't be pulling stuff like that."

Carlos sighed. "Well is there anything I can do?" he asked, and he meant it. If he could do anything to stop James and Kendall from fighting, he would do it. He just wanted his friends back.

Kendall shrugged. "Tell him to stop being an ass." he grumbled under his breath, and Carlos swatted his arm. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." he sighed. "Look, if it'll make you feel better, I'll try and talk to him. Without fighting." he added when he saw the anxious look on Carlos' face.

The younger boy sighed. "Okay, good." he said. "But just remember to control your temper."

Kendall scoffed. "I do not have a temper." he said, and Carlos gave him a look that clearly said, you're joking right? "Okay, so maybe I have a bit of a temper." the blonde said sheepishly. "But for your sake, I'll be good. You can even come along when I talk to him. We'll walk home together and have a chat."

Carlos finally smiled, though it was nowhere near his old smile. "Okay, sounds like a plan."

* * *

><p>The plan had crashed and burned horribly, and Carlos found himself feeling miserable all over again. It took James and Kendall a total of five minutes before they started arguing, and another five minutes before they both stormed off, leaving Carlos walking home alone.<p>

He pulled his hood up over his head, hiding himself from the world. It was times like these when he missed Logan the most - he missed having someone who understood him. All four of the guys had their breaking points and what made them sensitive, but Carlos and Logan were easily the most sensitive of the four. Logan was always there when something had upset Carlos, because he understood what he was feeling. If nobody in the world could cheer Carlos up, Logan would try and always succeed.

He sighed to himself. Why couldn't Kendall and James just stop fighting? So what if they didn't see eye-to-eye on everything, they needed to realize that they fight because they care and since they obviously care, they need to stop fighting. Maybe then, the three of them would be able to go back to the way things used to be… or at least some extent of that.

"Hey, Garcia!" Carlos stopped walking upon hearing a voice - an unrecognizable one, at that - call his name, and slowly turned around. However, he immediately regretted it when he saw the boys from the hockey team, the same ones that had harassed James in the bathroom, walking towards him. "Where ya headed?" the presumed leader asked, and Carlos remembered him from when he was on the hockey team. His name was Nate, and Carlos hated him then - because he was always trying to one up everyone on the team, and he was just generally a jerk - and he still hated him now, for what he did to James.

"None of your businesses." Carlos replied, feigning bravery. "Just leave me alone."

"Or what? You're gonna kill me too?" Nate taunted him, stepping closer until they were face to face. "Just like you killed Logan?" he continued.

"I didn't kill Logan!" Carlos snapped, shoving Nate roughly, his hands balled up into fists.

Nate stumbled backwards slightly, but regained his balance, and glared at Carlos. "Not your best move, Garcia." he sneered

Carlos scoffed. "It's better than what you try and pull out on the ice-oomph!" a fist collided with Carlos' stomach and he dropped down to his knees, his arms immediately wrapping around his middle. He didn't get a chance to recover, or even catch his breath, because moments later, someone kicked him in his ribs and he went down onto the sidewalk, wheezing in pain.

"Now listen up, murderer," Nate snapped, grasping Carlos' hoodie in his hands and roughly yanking him to his feet. The way he had one hand tight around the collar, and another around the actual hood, was nearly choking Carlos. He could hear Nate's friends laughing at his misfortune as he coughed and choked, trying to steady his breath. "If you know what's good for you, you'll apologize." he hissed.

Carlos glared at him, feeling all of his pent up anger towards Kendall, James, life - everything - it all just came pouring out as he roughly swung his arm back, escaping Nate's grasp on him and launching his fist right into Nate's jaw. "How's that for an apology?" he sneered.

His victory, however, was short lived.

Each of Nate's friends grabbed a hold of his arms, and for a brief moment, Carlos understood why he always had at least two friends with him. But his thoughts were cut short when Nate recovered from the blow to his face, and sent his fist flying into Carlos' stomach. He coughed, feeling the wind - literally - being knocked out of him, and wheezed, trying to catch his breath. He couldn't even get a chance to gasp out "ow" before Nate punched him again. He felt his body going limp in the boys' arms before they simply dropped him on the ground. But he couldn't get up; the second his body hit the concrete, a foot collided with his ribs, another with his back, and a pair of arms yanked him back up again, throwing him metal fence that lined the side of the sidewalk. The fence rattled as his body hit against it and he slumped down to the ground, laying limp on the ground.

Other than his chest heaving, Carlos laid still on the ground. He was sure at least one rib was cracked, and it hurt to breathe. He hoped if he had just laid there, then they would leave.

Luck was not on Carlos' side today.

Nate reached up for the collar of his shirt, yanking him up to his feet where he struggled to stand up. His whole body ached and he choked out, "Please, just leave me alone." to Nate, hoping that the bully would have some sympathy for him.

Nate's face twisted into some sort of sadistic smirk. "Funny," he said. "You sounded just like your buddy Logan for a second." Nate pushed him back away from him, and Carlos stumbled over his own two feet trying to regain his balance. "Lights out." Nate told him before sending his fist directly into Carlos' face.

It was the final blow he could take and he went down to the ground, laying limp on the concrete. Nate didn't knock him out, but Carlos wished he did. Blood gushed out of his nose, which he was sure was broken, falling down his cheeks, staining his shirt. His breath came out in sharp gasps, hurting more than before. Faintly, he could hear their retreating footsteps, their laughs, their high fives. They didn't care that they had basically stripped him of all his dignity and shame, that they had physically damaged him - they just didn't care.

Nobody cared.

Carlos forced himself off of the ground, staggering to his feet and leaned against the fence for support. He started his long walk home, every step he took hurting more then the last. As he walked his thoughts varied from what he was going to tell his parents to should he even tell James and Kendall to when was all of this just going to end? And for a brief second, Carlos found himself envying Logan. All of his pain and suffering ended… when was it his turn?

He made it home and was thankful that his parents weren't off of work yet, and he was alone. He was gasping a little and dropped down onto the floor as soon as he made it inside, leaning against the wall, closing his eyes. The bleeding had just about stopped, but his nose still throbbed as well as his ribs and stomach, and his head most of all. He head was just killing him, but if there was anything he could do, it was take that pain away. Once again, Carlos staggered to his feet and walked to the bathroom. He avoided looking at the mirror, not wanting to see how mangled his face looked right now, as he opened the medicine cabinet door, pulling out a bottle of pain killers. He opened it and dumped several in his hands, but paused when he went to go pour the remainder back in the bottle.

He stared at the pills in his hands and thought, he could always blame it on his headache. He could say, he just wanted to make the pain stop. He could say, he lost track of time and lost track of how many he had taken. He could say it was an accident.

Or he could tell the truth. He could say he was ready for the pain to stop once and for all.

Then he just stopped thinking. He dumped the handful of pills in his mouth, then stuck his head under the tap, filling up his cheeks until the pills were floating around the inside of his mouth fish in a fishbowl. It took a moment but he successfully managed to swallow them all. He stood there for a minute, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, before shutting the bathroom lights off and going out into the living room. He dropped down onto the couch and laid there, hugging a pillow to his chest. And then he waited, closing his eyes, and sighing. He wasn't sure how much time had passed but he found himself going in and out of fits of sleep, waking up not sure what was going on for a second then remembering all the pills he swallowed and figured this must mean it was working.

Now, it was his turn to end it all.

_Every 18 minutes, somebody dies from a suicide. Every 43 seconds, somebody attempts one. If you, or anybody you know, is suicidal, call 1-800-784-2433._


	19. Chapter Eighteen: Two

**a/n: feditajga okay first and foremost: THANK YOU ALL FOR 100 REVIEWS :') seriously it means a lot to me that so many of you like this story and that you're as invested in it as I am, really I'm truly thankful and I love you all :') and with that I apologize for taking SO long to update. Do you all still hate me? It's okay, I understand. I caused a bit of an uproar with that last chapter and then I just left ya'll hanging auidaeuigdag. But here's the update! I kind of have mixed feelings about it, but overall I don't think it's horrible lol. Hopefully the mini-flashbacks in here don't get you confused (some are flashbacks and one was a dream scene, but if you have any confusion just let me know and I'll clear it up!) and that's about it! I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Eighteen**  
><em>All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain. All is lost, hope remains. And this war's not over. - Trading Yesterday, "Shattered"<em>

Fighting with Kendall was such a trivial thing; it always took up most of James' energy and by the time their arguments were done, he was just so tired. He understood that Kendall was, by nature, a stubborn and slightly bossy person; but he could be just as stubborn as Kendall was and that never helped when the two of them found themselves disagreeing on something. Nine times out of ten, it ended in a fight. And James hated fighting with Kendall. But sometimes it felt like fighting with him was the only way to get Kendall to listen.

He, Carlos, and Kendall were supposed to walk home together but Kendall had gotten on his case about cutting class so many times, which had caused yet another fight and concluded with him and Kendall walking away in different directions. James honestly had no idea where Kendall was going, since he went in the opposite direction of where his house was, but James needed to take a walk. He needed to get some air, to relax. He needed a stress reliever and walking always did that for him.

As he was walking an ambulance soared past him, driving down the street at top speed. He paused and watched it, series blaring and lights flashing as it turned sharply around corner, headed towards his street. James was confused for a moment; why would an ambulance go to where he lived? He was sure his dad was fine and they didn't have any elderly neighbors that could've had a heart attack. The only people left were Carlos' family and Kendall's.

James' eyes went wide and without hesitating, he broke out in a full sprint, running down the street after the ambulance. As he hit closer he noticed a swarm of police cars surrounding... Carlos' house? James slowed down a few feet away from the scene, catching his breath and watching as Officer and Mrs. Garcia walked out of their house, moments later being followed by two paramedics with a stretcher in their hands. A body laid on the stretcher, an oxygen mask over their mouth. It laid there still. Mrs. Garcia was crying. Officer was talking to other policemen nearby. James kept his eyes fixated on the body as the stretcher was loaded into the back of the ambulance. And his heart nearly stopped upon recognizing who the body belonged to.

"Carlos!" Once again, James was sprinting forward, this time only to be stopped by Officer Garcia. "What happened? What's wrong with Carlos?" James demanded, trying to break past him.

"It's okay, James, calm down." He was using his "police voice" as he spoke to James, and the brunette knew nothing was okay.

"What happened?" James asked, his voice cracking.

"He needs to get his stomach pumped immediately; there was an incident," Officer Garcia replied.

"What- what kind of incident?" James pressed on.

Officer Garcia sighed. "He OD'd James." The older man said softly.

James's chest felt tight, like he couldn't breathe. "He…"

"He got jumped on his way home, and then he tried to overdoes on painkillers." Officer Garcia explained, pain evident in his voice.

"No." James whispered, shaking his head. "No, he didn't, he wouldn't…" James started to push past Officer Garcia again, but the older man held him back, walking him away from the scene as he cried, "No, please! I need to see him!"

"James, just relax." Officer Garcia put his hands on either one of James' shoulders, looking him square in the eye. "You can see him tonight at the hospital, but you've got to calm down now."

"Is he going to be okay?" James asked desperately.

"Juan!" the two boys turned to see Mrs. Garcia motioning for her husband to come over. Officer Garcia gave James on last sad look before turning around and going to his wife.

Chest heaving and hands shaking, James backed away from everything until he was by the sidewalk and sat down, taking out his phone from his pocket. It took him about three tries for him to dial Kendall's number but he finally managed to get all seven numbers right and by time the other line was ringing, he has started crying. And a bit hysterically at that because when Kendall answered, the blonde couldn't understand a word James was trying to choke out. "James, James just calm down, breathe, talk to me." Kendall was saying to him.

James took a deep breath and choked out, "C-Carlos is going to the h-hospital. He t-tired to k-kill himself, Kendall."

Kendall was silent for a moment, feeling the wind being knocked out of him. "What?" he whispered.

James sniffled, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Can- can you come get me please? Take me to see him?"

"Of course." Kendall said immediately, and James could hear the ruckus on the other end, meaning that he was gathering his car keys and getting ready to run out of his house. "Where are you?"

"I'm near his house." James replied. "I'm on the sidewalk."

"I'll be two minutes." Kendall told him and hung up the phone. James pocketed his cell phone and brought his knees up to his chest, burying his face in his knee caps and trying to block out all images of Carlos being taken to the hospital out of his mind. Faster than what was probably the legal speed limit, Kendall's truck was pulling up near where he was seated and Kendall got out of the driver's seat, rushing over to him and tackling him with a hug. James immediately broke down in sobs once again, holding onto Kendall for dear life. "It's okay, it's okay." Kendall whispered to him, holding him just as tight. "It's okay."

"We can't lose him, Kendall." James cried into his shoulder.

"We won't." the blonde said firmly. "We aren't going to lose him, I promise." James nodded against Kendall's chest and Kendall sighed heavily, hugging the brunette tightly. He shouldn't have promised that, he had no idea what happened with Carlos or why he did this, and there was no way he would know if he was going to be okay. He screwed up again. He lost Logan, he was losing Carlos, and next he was going to lose James. He was just such a screw up lately… but no, he couldn't dwell on that now. Right now, he had to be the leader again. He had to make James okay, he had to check up on Carlos. Even if things were spiraling out of control, he had to act like he could hold it together.

"C'mon." he broke their hug and brushed James' hair out of his face. "Let's go see him." James nodded in agreement and Kendall helped him to his feet, leading him to his truck and Kendall wasted no time driving to the hospital.

* * *

><p>James and Kendall rushed inside of the hospital upon arriving, ignoring the swarm of questions from the receptionist and surrounding nurses, just going towards Carlos' parents. "How is he?" James demanded breathlessly, wiping his eyes of the fresh wave of tears that had started to fall. "Is he okay?"<p>

"He's still in surgery," Officer Garcia told them. "He may be a few hours."

"But- but that's good, right?" Kendall asked him. "That- that means they're going to fix him, right?"

Officer Garcia sighed. "We don't know boys." he said, sadness in his eyes as he tried to keep it together. "All we can do right now is wait."

James and Kendall looked at him, the strongest man they knew just moments away from breaking down completely. They looked at his wife, tears streaming down her face, wondering why her son would do this to himself. And they looked at each other, the same thought going through both of their minds: _this was our fault_.

"Um, can you excuse us for a second?" Kendall asked the Garcias, taking James by the hand and already starting to back out of the hospital. "We'll just be a second." he added and then, more or less, yanked James outside.

"What's wrong-"

"I'm sorry." Kendall told him as soon as they stepped outside. The cold Minnesota wind hit against his face, feeling cold against the tears that had began to fall. "You were right about everything." he continued, James just standing there before him speechless. "You were right that I always have to control everything, and that I always need to make everything about me." he paused to wipe at his eyes. "Because I'm selfish, and I' stupid because you were right when you said that we're not friends. Because I haven't been a good friend to you. Just like I wasn't a good friend to Logan or Carlos. And I'm so, so sorry, James. Believe me, if I could take back the past year, I would and I would try to make everything better. I wouldn't have fought with you so much after you quit the hockey team and I would've went to see your play opening night - god, you're play. Dude, I'm so sorry about blowing you off; I was such a jerk to you, I'm so sorry."

"Kendall, man, it's okay-"

"It's not okay, James!" Kendall insisted, a sob wracking at his throat. "I turned into a total jerk to you and-"

_"I quit because you turned into a total jerk!" James interrupted. "You turned into those people we used to hate - one of those popular jerks who think they're better than everyone else because they're good with a stupid stick and puck!"_

Kendall's breaths came out ragged, uneven, more tears pooling down his face. "I- I can't believe how… rotten I was to you." he whispered. "I was the worst friend in the entire world, just because you wanted to do something for yourself-"

_"I ditched you?" James' mouth went agape. "Me? Just because I wanted to do something for myself for once, that means I ditched you?"_

"God, I can't - I'm sorry, James." he choked out through his tears. "You didn't deserve anything I ever did to you, and you don't deserve it now. I just… I was wrong. I was so wrong and I'm so sorry."

_"You know what, Kendall? You are right!" James yelled. "You're absolutely right! In fact, you're always right! Everyone else is floating in a sea of wrong over here as you go by in your ship of right. Hey, why don't you throw me a lifeline?"_

"I'm sorry," the brunette boy grasped his friend by the shoulders, pulling him in tight, hugging him. Kendall buried his face in James' shoulders, trying to hold back sobs but failing at it, and James held onto him tightly, tears of his own streaming down his face.

"I'm not exactly an innocent bystander, Kendall." he told him. "But I forgive you, it's okay. I forgive you."

_"I'm sorry, Logan." Kendall sobbed into his shoulder. "I'm so, so sorry."_

_"Don't be sorry." Logan said softly in his ear. "I forgive you."_

Kendall sobbed harder and James held him tighter. "You are my best friend, Kendall." James told him. "You were my best friend for years and you will always be my best friend. I… I love you like a brother dude, and I don't want to lose you. I won't lose you." James rested his head atop of Kendall's, blinking back tears and sniffling. "And we aren't going to lose Carlos." he continued. "When he's out of surgery, we're going to talk to him and everything will be okay again."

Kendall nodded in agreement. "Okay." James sniffled again and gave Kendall another squeeze. He didn't say anything else, he just stood there with his friend, and like that, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of his chest. He and Kendall were okay for the first time in a long time, and he knew that after today, they would always be okay.

* * *

><p>When Kendall and James got back inside, a doctor was talking to Officer and Mrs. Garcia. Assuming he was Carlos' doctor, the two of them rushed over there, just hearing one bit of the conversation they were having; that bit of it being "coma".<p>

The two of them froze, both of them feeling like they could be going into shock at that moment. "C-coma?" Kendall stuttered, and the three adults looked at them, just noticing the two boys for the first time. "He's- he's in a coma? How- why is he -what happened?"

The doctor looked at the Garcais, who told him that the two boys were family, and then he started to explain to them what happened. "After we pumped his stomach, that combined with his injuries - which included two broken ribs, a broken nose, and some head trauma, his body seemed to have induced a coma to help the recovery."

"Is he going to be okay?" James interrupted him.

The doctor sighed. "Since the bodily damage done to him was so great, an induced coma gives the brain the rest necessary to recover. However it is likely that Carlos may not wake up."

James, Kendall, and the Garcias were silent. "So what do we do now?" Kendall asked. "Is - is there anything we can do?"

"Right now, all that anyone can do is wait for him to wake up." the doctor said.

"Can we see our son?" Mrs. Garcia asked him.

"Of course, right this way." Carlos' doctor lead them to his room, Kendall and James trailing slowly behind them. They weren't sure how they were going to handle this; after Logan died, the three of them on their own was hard enough.

James and Kendall stared at the closed hospital door that lead to Carlos' room. They knew that two was going to be even harder.

_There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones to the place we belong, and His love will conquer all..._


	20. Chapter Nineteen: I Need You

**a/n: aiodiaugia so i don't know what came over me but I was EXTREMELY inspired to write this chapter and I actually wrote it twice because I wanted it to be perfect lol. So here's your daily dose of Jagan angst from yours truly (: I'm actually really fond of this chapter and I think it came out just the way I imagined it! So I hope you all like it! I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Nineteen**  
><em>I'm sorry for all I did, and what I said, and the things I hid; I'm finally over me. The past is through. I can't imagine where I'd be if you had never rescued me, you gave me hope to live, now I need you, 'cause I need you. And I won't forget you, I don't regret you, but the hardest thing I've had to do is live without you, and I wonder why we both walked away - Tyler Ward, "The Hardest Thing"<em>

That night, Kendall and James stayed over at the hospital with Carlos, the two of them sleeping in hard plastic chairs by his bed in hopes that he would wake up. The Garcias tried to talk them into going home - same with their parents, but the two were insistent upon staying. They weren't going to leave their friend. Not again.

Hours ticked on, going by agonizingly slow, and Carlos was making no progress. They were afraid to ask his doctor what that meant, so for the most part of the night they kept to themselves. The two would talk to each other about anything else than the elephant in the room just to calm each other down; they talked to Carlos about school and upcoming tests, every so often begging with him to wake up. But with no avail, they found themselves feeling discouraged and scared. What if Carlos didn't wake up?

Kendall leaned against his bed, watching him intensely. "C'mon, Los, just wake up. Please." he murmured softly to him, reaching out for his hand. It felt cold, so cold. It hurt to touch but he kept a firm grip around his friend's hand, not letting go. He wouldn't let go again. "Please. We all really miss you; we need you, Los. Please just… wake up. We really miss you, and we need you." Kendall blinked back more tears. "Please." he whimpered.

"Maybe he doesn't know how to wake up." James suggested, his eyes going wide at the thought. "Or what if he doesn't want to wake up?"

"I'm sure he wants to; it's probably really dark wherever Carlos… is. And Carlos doesn't like the dark." Kendall knew his reasoning sounded lame, mostly because he knew next to nothing about comas or anything medial related; Logan did, but Logan wasn't here to get any answers from. However, his answer was enough for James, who gave him a nod in reply and seemed to visibly relax a bit. "He just needs time. Like the doctor said, his body needs to recover. We just have to wait I guess." Kendall added.

James nodded again and leaned forward on Carlos' bed, holding his head up with his hands. He sat there silently as Kendall continued to talk to Carlos. He wanted to talk to him as well but he just couldn't focus right now. His eyes were fluttering shut every few seconds and he kept doing that head jerk thing he always did in history class when he was starting to nod off. Even his leg was twitching, which Logan told him meant his body thought he was starting to fall asleep and was trying to keep him awake. James sighed heavily from the other side of his bed, alternating between leaning back in his chair and leaning forward on Carlos' bed.

Kendall looked up at him and could see he was struggling to just keep his eyes open for a few seconds. He sighed sympathetically; James needed to sleep. "Dude, go to bed." he told him.

James stifled a yawn and replied, "M'fine."

"You're barely staying awake as it is." Kendall insisted gently. "Just go to sleep for a few and I'll wake you up if anything happens. You really need it, anyway."

"I don't need to sleep." James muttered, stubbornly.

In reply to that, Kendal reached for one of the spare pillows at the top of Carlos' bed and threw it to James. It hit him in the face, startling him greatly as he was, once again, starting to drift off. Grasping the pillow tightly he looked at Kendall, confused. "Sleep." the blonde said simply.

James sighed, knowing this was a battle lost both ways; Kendall was right that he needed to get some sleep, and his body knew it too. He was fighting with himself to stay awake but he knew he wasn't going to last much longer. Maybe if he just rested for five minutes… just five minutes, that's all he needed and he would be good as new.

He had another thought; maybe in those five minutes, he'd see Logan, and he would feel better. Logan always made him feel better… he needed Logan…

"Dude, what are you doing?" a voice snapped at him.

James blinked, confused, and opened his eyes, looking around. He was still in the hospital, still sitting in the plastic chair, propped up against Carlos' bed, but instead of Carlos laying comatose before him, Logan was seated, Indian style, on the mattress, staring down at him with… angry eyes. Logan just looked downright angry with him at the moment. And he was even more confused than before. "What do you mean?" James asked, rubbing his eyes and sitting up in his chair.

"Why are you sleeping right now?" Logan demanded. "Do you have any idea what's going on?"

"Of course I know what's going on." James said softly, rubbing his eyes. This wasn't supposed to happen; every other time he saw Logan in his dreams, it was nice and comforting. Logan was never so angry with him like this in his dreams.

"So what are you doing sleeping?!" the older boy exclaimed, and James flinched. "You need to be awake and helping Carlos wake up!"

"I - I was just t-tired." James stuttered. "Really tired and I needed a moment…"

"A moment away from reality?" Logan asked, his voice more soft, more gentle than before. James nodded, and Logan sighed heavily. "Carlos and Kendall need you." he said to him. "You can't just sleep your problems away."

"I'm not sleeping my problems away." James insisted defensively.

Logan scoffed. "So what are you doing right now? While Carlos is in a coma because you and Kendall were jerks to him-"

"We didn't mean it!" James cut in. "We didn't think-"

"Exactly, James, you don't think!" Logan snapped. "You don't think about how your actions affect everyone else! You didn't think about how ignoring me would affect me, you didn't think about how fighting with Kendall would affect Carlos, and you aren't thinking about how being asleep is affecting everyone now!"

James was speechless, his mouth open as he tried to choke out anything to say. "I… it's not like that." he said softly. "It's not like I did all those things on purpose; I didn't know those things were going to happen."

Logan sighed; he didn't want to upset James, he just wanted to get through to him. "I know you didn't James," he said gently. "I'm not saying you did; I'm saying that everything you does has consequence. You and Kendall and Carlos have to start thinking those things through."

"I know." James said softly, wiping his eyes. "I know, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry to you and I'm sorry to Carlos, and I'm sorry for everything."

"It's okay, it's okay." Logan said, reaching out for James who didn't hesitate to crawl into his arms and hug him tightly. James squeezed him as hard as he could, not wanting to let go. "It's okay, James." Logan repeated and James smiled softly. That was just what he needed to hear right now. "Now listen to me," Logan broke their hug, holding James at arms length. "I told you, you can't just sleep your problems away-"

"I told you I'm not sleeping my problems away." James cut in, rolling his eyes. "I'm just sleeping; you know, since I haven't seen you lately so you should've figured I haven't been doing much of it."

"I know you're tired but you are sleeping your problems away." Logan insisted gently. "I know you are because I know you're really upset now. Talk to me, what's wrong?"

James scoffed. "What isn't wrong? Don't you already know everything?"

"Talk to me." Logan repeated.

James ran his hands over his face. "I… it's everything! It's Carlos and Kendall and my dad and you and everything." he babbled on, feeling near tears. "I just want everything to be okay again Logie; it's okay like this though, when we're together. Can't I just-"

"No." Logan said quickly, his eyes widening. "James, I know what you're thinking and you can't do this. You can't just sleep your life away because everything's kind of bad right now."

"Kind of bad?" James shot back incredulously. "I'm sorry, kind of? Logan, Carlos is in a coma, Kendall's falling apart, my dad hates me still, and I'm going crazy here without you. Things aren't kind of bad; they're freaking horrible and I cant take it anymore! Please, can't you just…" James stopped himself, his chest heaving as he blinked back tears and looking up at Logan. "Can't you just come back?" he asked, his voice cracking with emotion.

Sadness took over Logan's eyes and he solemnly shook his head. "I'm sorry Jay… I can't." he said softly.

"Please." James whimpered. "Please, just come back! I need you Logan - we all need you-"

"James, I'm dead, I can't come back." Logan interrupted, closing his eyes to keep the tears at bay. "I wish I could and I wish I could be with you, but I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't."

James sniffled, crossing his arms across his chest. "Then I'm staying here with you." he said simply. "I'm not waking up."

"James-"

"Everyone can get along fine without me, anyway; I'm staying." the brunette insisted stubbornly.

"James, you have to wake up." Logan said urgently.

James pinched his eyes shut, shaking his head. "No, no, no, I can't Logan- I won't!" he brought his hands up to cover his ears, and Logan reached out for his arms, trying to pull them down.

"James-"

"No! I'm not letting you leave me again!" tears started to slide down James' face and his body shook violently.

"James, you need to wake up!" Logan insisted. "Please, just-"

"Logie, I can't lose you again! I can't…" James whimpered. He opened his eyes to peer up at Logan, his jaw trembling and short gasps escaping his lips as he tried to calm down.

"Jay…" Logan extended his arms, and James didn't hesitate to crawl into his arms and squeeze him tightly. "James, you never lost me." he murmured, resting his head atop of James', his arms constricting around him tightly.

"How can you say that?" James sobbed into Logan's shoulder. "I killed my best friend."

"You didn't kill me - I killed myself." Logan whispered to him.

"But it was my fault!" James insisted, his fingers desperately clawing at the fabric of Logan's shirt. "If - if I was a better friend-"

"James, you were my best friend." Logan interrupted. "You were like my brother, and I'll never stop loving you." he pushed James' head back so he was looking him in the eye. "Trust me when I say that it wasn't your fault. It was never your fault. And it's not Kendall's or Carlos' faults either."

James felt a weight lift off of his chest when Logan said that, like everything he had been worrying about was slowly leaving him. "B-but, you… why did you do it?" he had to ask. "If it's not my fault, then why?"

Logan sighed, holding James close once again. The brunette boy rested his head on his friend's chest, wrapping his arms around his tiny frame again and hugging him tightly. "Just watch your video." Logan finally advised him. "Everything you need to know… it's in the video."

"I'm scared." James admitted softly with a little whimper.

"It'll be okay." Logan promised him. "It may not have been okay for me, but it'll be okay for you, Kendall, and Carlos… but you have to wake up, Jay."

James sniffled. "I miss you." he said softly, tightening his arms around Logan's middle. "I… I need you, Logie."

Logan wiped his eyes and broke their hug once more, taking James by the hands. "Jay, as long as you remember me, I will always be with you."

A sob escaped James' lips as he asked, "Always?"

Logan smiled at him and pulled him back into a tight hug. "Always." he whispered to him. "It's okay now, James." he added after a moment of silence. "You don't have to be afraid anymore… you can wake up now." he sensed James hesitating and one last time he whispered to him, "Wake up."

James' eyes flashed open and he gasped a little as he awoke with a start. Such a start that he actually fell out of his chair, landing on his butt on the floor. It took him a moment but he remembered everything about his dream, up until the last thing Logan said to him.

"James!" Kendall's voice came out in a loud, yet worried, whisper, and James jumped in surprise, forgetting for a moment that he was actually in the room. Immediately, Kendall was by the brunette's side, making sure he was alright after his fall. "Are you okay?" Kendall asked, checking him over for bumps and bruises the same way his mom had when he was a child. Slowly, James nodded and Kendall said, "You're crying." as he wiped away his tears with his thumb.

James brought a hand up to his face, feeling his tears that he wasn't aware of a moment ago. "Are you sure you're okay, Jamie?" Kendall asked him, brushing his hair back.

James sniffled but nodded firmly this time. "Yeah." he whispered. "I… I'm okay." he didn't know how or why, but he knew for sure this time, he was really okay.


	21. Chapter Twenty: Just Like A Dream To Me

**a/n: I don't think I've written a Cargan based chapter this whole story :O well, hopefully this one makes up for all of that! Just to clear up any upcoming confusion: after everything that happens in the beginning with Carlos' ~dreams I guess you could call them, and after he flat lines, he basically goes into limbo. He's not dead yet but by the end you'll definitely know if he is or not. And that's all I'm going to say other than this is quiet a lengthy chapter (aka its REALLY freakin long) and I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Twenty**  
><em>You appear just like a dream to me, just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me, all I need, every breath that I breathe - Miley Cyrus, "When I Look At You"<em>

_Carlos didn't know where he was right now. At first, he thought he was laying in the hospital… sleeping? Was he sleeping? He wasn't really sure._

_He could hear Kendall and James talking to him, he could feel Kendall holding his hand. He wasn't sure how much time had passed or how long he was sleeping for, but now he wasn't sleeping._

_He was in the school cafeteria, laying on the floor under a table. His eyes widened as the sight before him cleared and he saw Logan and James standing there before him, a gun in Logan's hand. What in the world was going on? Was that a real gun in Logan's hand? He watched in terror as Logan raised the gun above his head and started firing bullets to the ceiling. "Logan stop it!" he shouted, crawling out from under the table. Logan and James both turned to look at him; James looked downright terrified and Logan looked… not like Logan. There was something in his eyes that was missing, he looked lost. He looked like a ghost of himself. Carlos didn't like it, not one bit. "Logie, please." he begged with him. "You're not thinking clearly. Just - just put the gun down and it'll be okay." he had to reason with him, calm him down, make him stop whatever he was going to do. He had to be strong right now._

_Logan stared at him long and hard; it was bone-chilling. "Okay? What do you know about me being okay Carlos? You haven't talked to me all year!" he snapped, and Carlos swallowed thickly, wringing his hands together. "But what does that matter, right?" Logan asked him, then looked at James. "I don't matter to you guys anymore, right?"_

_"You're wrong, Logan!" Carlos heard a new voice enter the scene and was relieved to see Kendall crawling out from under a table he was previously hiding under. Kendall always knew how to fix everything - he would fix this too._

_"Oh, look, it's a reunion." Logan said, sarcasm dripping from his lips. Carlos was so confused; who was this person before him, holding a gun and screaming at them? Where was the real Logan?" "Tell me, did you guys even think this would happen again- the four of us together in a room?" he continued, starting to pace in front of the three of them. Carlos' heart was pounding in his ears. "The same room, by the way, because that hasn't even happened in months. Did you even think we would talk again? Or did you ever imagine that it would take me with a gun to bring us back together?"_

_"Logan… is that what this is about?" James asked him, looking over at Carlos and Kendall. Subtly, Carlos shrugged in reply._

_"It's just everything, James!" Logan cried, and the three of them flinched. "I can't do this anymore! I can't do this alone!"_

_"Do what, Logie?" Carlos asked him quietly, his voice frail and afraid._

_"Don't call me 'Logie'." Logan seethed and Carlos jumped back in surprise. His heart started to pound harder and harder in his chest. "You haven't called e that since we stopped being friends, don't even think of calling me that now!" Logan snapped at him. Carlos felt his stomach drop._

_"Logan," Kendall started, his typical 'take control' voice shining through and once again, Carlos relaxed a little bit. Kendall would fix this. He always did. "We just want to help you."_

_Logan scoffed. "You haven't wanted to help me in months." he replied. "Why do you care now?"_

_Carlos was speechless, he didn't know what to say to that. Because he knew that deep down, everything Logan was saying was true. They hadn't talked to him in months, the four of them weren't even friends anymore. Everything had completely dismantled - now more than ever. He felt himself started to get nervous, his palms sweating and his hands shaking. Was it their fault he was doing this?_

_"Logan, just put the gun down and we'll talk." James told him._

_"Y- yeah." Carlos added. He side glanced over to James. His face was as white as a ghost. "You don't want to do anything drastic."_

_Logan just rolled his eyes._

_"Logan, please listen to us." Kendall pleaded with him. Carlos nodded; Logan needed to listen, he needed to see he was making a mistake right now. He needed to put the gun down, and the four of them would talk._

_But when he saw the expression on Logan's face, the pure hatred in his eyes, his blood ran cold. "You are one to talk about listening." he said to Kendall, his voice in an eerily low volume, but steadily raising in volume. "All three of you! You have no right to tell me to listen to you when you've haven't been listening to me! You know guys, some people are just dying to be heard!" he was yelling at them now, the three of them flinched at his harsh tone. Carlos had to be dreaming, this couldn't be happening. Logan took a deep breath and then said in a whisper, "But you just don't get it. You never did, and now I guess you never will."_

_"Logan-"_

_"No, you guys just don't understand!" Logan cut Kendall off. "I- I feel like I could be screaming as loud as I could but no one would hear me; you guys wouldn't hear me!"_

_'I would hear you,' Carlos wanted to say. He wanted to tell Logan that he would try to hear from now on. He would listen, he would help him. He would be there again. "Logan, we can fix this." he said in a shaky voice. His eyes ached from holding back tears. He didn't know how much longer he could be stronng. "Just - just put the gun down."_

_Logan shook his head. "Maybe now you guys will finally realize." he said simply as he cocked the gun. It was a sound Carlos wished he could forget._

_James shook his head. "You don't want to do this, man." He whispered._

_'Don't do this, Logie,' Carlos wanted to say. But he didn't. He was speechless._

_Logan let out a humorless chuckle, contradicting the tears falling down his cheeks. "It's too late. Like you ever cared." he whispered then put the gun to his forehead, pinching his eyes shut._

_Carlos couldn't take this. This couldn't be happening - why was this happening? "Logan no!" he pinched his eyes shut just as the sound of the trigger being pulled and the gun firing filled his ears._

_His eardrums were ringing but he could barely hear it over the way his heart was pounding a mile a minute in his chest. Tears were pooling down his cheeks and his entire body was trembling. Did he dare to open his eyes?_

_He felt a hand rubbing across his shoulders comfortingly, and timidly he opened his eyes. But he wasn't in the cafeteria any more; he was seated outside on a bench, dressed in a tux. He looked around, confused, until his eyes focused on the elder man in the front of all the rows of seats. "Today," he started, sorrow evident in his voice. "We acknowledge a really terrible loss. Today we come together to remember the life of Logan Phillip Mitchell." once again, Carlos' heart jumped up into his throat and he was sure he was going to throw up. "Although we know he had so much life left in him, we thank God for the seventeen years he did have. Let us pray."_

_Carlos lowered his head, looking down at his lap, tears sliding down his cheeks and dripping down onto his pants. He knew he could pray all he wanted but Logan wasn't going to come back. And he knew that it was his fault Logan was gone._

_"Heavenly Father," the minister started the prayer. "The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more." he paused to let those words sink in before closing his Bible and continuing. "May the Lord watch over our hearts in this dark time. In His name we pray, amen."_

_"Amen." everyone murmured, their voices low._

_"Amen." Carlos whispered, barely audible._

_"And now, as a final goodbye to Logan," the minister said. "You may all step forward to place your rose on his grave._

_Carlos looked down at the white rose in his hands; he had almost forgotten that he was holding it. Gently, his fingers traced over the petal. Logan loved white roses. He used to say that the color white has always been synonymous with purity and virtue, as well as sincerity, purity, and chastity; therefore, Logan would tell them that white roses represented affections that were straight from the heart and were as pure as virgin snow. Carlos never liked white roses; he thought red ones were prettier. But now, today, he couldn't help but to think about how pretty the white rose in his hand was, and he could almost hear Logan's voice spouting facts about white roses to him. Almost._

_Kendall and James rose from their seats, and he followed their lead. As he was brought back to reality, he slowly moved forward, towards the front of the funeral with the two of them. He walked slowly, like his body was rejecting the movement. His legs felt stiff and worn out. As he moved, he could feel everyone's eyes on him, searing holes into him as they were the last ones to drop their roses on Logan's grave. One by one, the three of them knelt before the headstone. Carlos stared at it until his tears made the sight blurry. He blinked and read it over once more._

_Here lies Logan Phillip Mitchell._  
><em>Loved son and friend.<em>  
><em>Gone but not forgotten.<em>

_Carlos watched as James reached out to touch it, his fingers tracing over the flawless marble. Tears stung at his eyes as he whispered, "I'm sorry."_

_Carlos wanted more than ever to tell Logan he was sorry. He wanted to tell him so many things, but he couldn't now, it was too late. Logan was gone._

_Sniffling, Carlos closed his eyes, just wanting to escape reality for a second. He needed to clear his head, to think straight. He forced them open a moment later and he was now standing in Logan's bedroom. It looked like someone still lived here- the bed looked slept in, like he woke up and never made it; the closet door was open, revealing his array of clothing and shoes he wore; on his dressers were a lot of his things, varying from deodorant and body spray, to pens and paper scattered all over the place. But it didn't feel right to be in here, like stealing a cookie from the cookie jar with his mom blatantly watching him. "Guys, I don't feel right about doing this." He said as he wrung his fingers together nervously, looking at James who was seated at Logan's computer desk, typing away._

_James muttered something that Carlos couldn't make out, but it caused Kendall to swiftly hit him in the ribs. "Look, we're just doing some investigating." the blonde told him. "Like we're in the FBI." Carlos' shoulders ceased some of its tension; he always wanted to be in the FBI. He turned his attention back on to James who was just now getting into Logan's computer, and froze upon seeing Logan's desktop background was a picture of the four of them from a few years ago. James tried to hide it by quickly opening Logan's documents file, but Carlos had already saw it, and he couldn't erase the image from his memory._

_"So what are we looking for?" James asked, breaking the silence._

_Kendall shrugged. "Anything. I don't know really…"_

_Carlos walked close to James an looked over his shoulder. "Is there anything in his documents?"_

_"Uh…" James scanned the page. "Looks like homework mostly- wait. This might be something." James clicked onto a folder that was named 'personal' and a list of documents loaded before them, none of them properly named, just dated. "This one's from the day before he… well you know." James muttered the last part, clicking on the last document in the list. When it loaded and was fully open, the boys read it silently._

_The video's finished. They're more than likely never going to see it because tomorrow… tomorrow's the day. Everything's been said and done._

_Carlos couldn't believe what he was reading. "He… actually planned this." shockwaves were going all throughout his body making him immobile. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he couldn't do anything. Once again, he felt completely useless._

_"What does he mean, the video's finished?" Kendall asked after a moment of scanning the short passage again._

_"Uh, I can check in his videos folder." James suggested, timidly. Carlos looked over at him; he looked afraid. "Sh-should I?"_

_There was a moment of silence between the three boys as they contemplated their next move, until Kendall finally said, "Do it."_

_Carlos didn't take his eyes off of the computer as James nodded and clicked over to the My Videos folder on his computer. When it loaded, there was only four videos were there. They were all filmed the day the last entry in his 'personal' folder was written. Only one of them didn't have a name- it was just a sequence of numbers named from his webcam- but the other three were labeled: Kendall, James, and Carlos._

_Carlos' face paled. Why did Logan have a video in there about him? Then he thought, did he really even want to know what it was?_

_More silence followed as James' shaky fingers guided the mouse over to the unnamed video and he clicked on it. The sound of the mouse clicking onto the video sounded louder than it should've and Carlos flinched. Nobody in the room seemed to be breathing._

_When it started playing, Logan was sitting on his bed, his head bowed. In his lap, was a piece of paper. When he raised his head and took a deep breath, it became clear to them that he was crying. "Warning signs of suicide." he said directly into the camera, and then picked up the paper. Wordlessly, Carlos as well as James and Kendall watched as Logan listed off the signs of suicide, one of them being withdrawing from family and friends. When he finished, he threw the paper aside and spoke directly into the camera again. He told them that the signs were there. Why didn't they notice? He asked them why they hated him so much. Carlos brought his fist up to his mouth and bit down on his middle knuckle to keep from breaking down and sobbing. He didn't know why he was trying to keep his cool when James was damn near losing it, but he still tried to hold it together. Then, Logan said he hated himself and the video ended with him saying that he was "just done."_

_Carlos was hugging James by the time the video ended, telling him that it was okay. He squeezed James tightly, resting his head on top of his as his own tears streamed down his face. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to pretend this wasn't happening, wishing and hoping that none of this was happening. But it was and there was no changing it._

_Carlos heard yelling and he opened his eyes to see that he, James and Kendall were walking down the sidewalk together, and James and Kendall arguing with each other - again. He didn't understand how the two of them keep fighting - and over nothing at that. They never used to be like this. If he could do anything to stop James and Kendall from fighting, he would do it. He just wanted his friends back._

_Moments later, both James and Kendall left him, the two of them too mad at each other to be in the same area anymore. And Carlos was left to walk home alone._

_He pulled his hood up over his head, hiding himself from the world. It was times like these when he missed Logan the most - he missed having someone who understood him. All four of the guys had their breaking points and what made them sensitive, but Carlos and Logan were easily the most sensitive of the four. Logan was always there when something had upset Carlos, because he understood what he was feeling. If nobody in the world could cheer Carlos up, Logan would try and always succeed._

_He sighed to himself. Why couldn't Kendall and James just stop fighting? So what if they didn't see eye-to-eye on everything, they needed to realize that they fight because they care and since they obviously care, they need to stop fighting. Maybe then, the three of them would be able to go back to the way things used to be… or at least some extent of that._

_"Hey, Garcia!" Carlos stopped walking upon hearing a voice - an unrecognizable one, at that - call his name, and slowly turned around. However, he immediately regretted it when he saw the boys from the hockey team, the same ones that had harassed James in the bathroom, walking towards him. "Where ya headed?" the presumed leader asked, and Carlos remembered him from when he was on the hockey team. His name was Nate, and Carlos hated him then - because he was always trying to one up everyone on the team, and he was just generally a jerk - and he still hated him now, for what he did to James._

_"None of your businesses." Carlos replied, feigning bravery. "Just leave me alone."_

_"Or what? You're gonna kill me too?" Nate taunted him, stepping closer until they were face to face. "Just like you killed Logan?" he continued._

_"I didn't kill Logan!" Carlos snapped, shoving Nate roughly, his hands balled up into fists._

_Nate stumbled backwards slightly, but regained his balance, and glared at Carlos. "Not your best move, Garcia." he sneered_

_Carlos scoffed. "It's better than what you try and pull out on the ice-oomph!" a fist collided with Carlos' stomach and he dropped down to his knees, his arms immediately wrapping around his middle. He didn't get a chance to recover, or even catch his breath, because moments later, someone kicked him in his ribs and he went down onto the sidewalk, wheezing in pain._

_"Now listen up, murderer," Nate snapped, grasping Carlos' hoodie in his hands and roughly yanking him to his feet. The way he had one hand tight around the collar, and another around the actual hood, was nearly choking Carlos. He could hear Nate's friends laughing at his misfortune as he coughed and choked, trying to steady his breath. "If you know what's good for you, you'll apologize." he hissed._

_Carlos glared at him, feeling all of his pent up anger towards Kendall, James, life - everything - it all just came pouring out as he roughly swung his arm back, escaping Nate's grasp on him and launching his fist right into Nate's jaw. "How's that for an apology?" he sneered._

_His victory, however, was short lived._

_Each of Nate's friends grabbed a hold of his arms, and for a brief moment, Carlos understood why he always had at least two friends with him. But his thoughts were cut short when Nate recovered from the blow to his face, and sent his fist flying into Carlos' stomach. He coughed, feeling the wind - literally - being knocked out of him, and wheezed, trying to catch his breath. He couldn't even get a chance to gasp out "ow" before Nate punched him again. He felt his body going limp in the boys' arms before they simply dropped him on the ground. But he couldn't get up; the second his body hit the concrete, a foot collided with his ribs, another with his back, and a pair of arms yanked him back up again, throwing him metal fence that lined the side of the sidewalk. The fence rattled as his body hit against it and he slumped down to the ground, laying limp on the ground._

_Other than his chest heaving, Carlos laid still on the ground. He was sure at least one rib was cracked, and it hurt to breathe. He hoped if he had just laid there, then they would leave._

_Luck was not on Carlos' side today._

_Nate reached up for the collar of his shirt, yanking him up to his feet where he struggled to stand up. His whole body ached and he choked out, "Please, just leave me alone." to Nate, hoping that the bully would have some sympathy for him._

_Nate's face twisted into some sort of sadistic smirk. "Funny," he said. "You sounded just like your buddy Logan for a second." Nate pushed him back away from him, and Carlos stumbled over his own two feet trying to regain his balance. "Lights out." Nate told him before sending his fist directly into Carlos' face._

_It was the final blow he could take and he went down to the ground, laying limp on the concrete. Nate didn't knock him out, but Carlos wished he did. Blood gushed out of his nose, which he was sure was broken, falling down his cheeks, staining his shirt. His breath came out in sharp gasps, hurting more than before. Faintly, he could hear their retreating footsteps, their laughs, their high fives. They didn't care that they had basically stripped him of all his dignity and shame, that they had physically damaged him - they just didn't care._

_Nobody cared._

The loud screech of Carlos' heart monitor flat lining jolted James and Kendall out of their sleep and sent the two into a massive panic. "We need a doctor in here!" Kendall shouted practically punching the call button repeatedly.

"Carlos? Carlos, wake up!" James frantically shook his friend, crying out his name until a swarm of doctors entered the room and pushed him out of the way.

Kendall and James backed up to the corner of his room, not tearing their eyes away from the horrific scene as Carlos' doctor took the paddles, rubbed them together and shouted "Clear!" as he pressed them against Carlos' chest, sending a shock throughout the boy's body. He bounced as the paddles came in contact with him, but he laid limp against his bed as he came down.

_When Carlos opened his eyes one final time, he was home. And he was in so much pain; everything seemed to just be throbbing. Tears stung as his eyes as he staggered to his feet and walked to the bathroom. He avoided looking at the mirror, not wanting to see how mangled his face looked, as he opened the medicine cabinet door, pulling out a bottle of pain killers. He opened it and dumped several in his hands, but paused when he went to go pour the remainder back in the bottle._

"Clear!" it seemed like every time the doctor used the defibrillator on Carlos, there was less and less of a chance of him responding to it. But Kendall and James couldn't give up, they had to keep the hope that he would pull through. Carlos was a fighter. He wouldn't just give up… would he?

_He stared at the pills in his hands and thought, he could always blame it on his headache. He could say, he just wanted to make the pain stop. He could say, he lost track of time and lost track of how many he had taken. He could say it was an accident._

_Or he could tell the truth. He could say he was ready for the pain to stop once and for all._

_Then he just stopped thinking. He dumped the handful of pills in his mouth, then stuck his head under the tap, filling up his cheeks until the pills were floating around the inside of his mouth fish in a fishbowl. It took a moment but he successfully managed to swallow them all. He stood there for a minute, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, before shutting the bathroom lights off and going out into the living room. He dropped down onto the couch and laid there, hugging a pillow to his chest. And then he waited, closing his eyes, and sighing. He wasn't sure how much time had passed but he found himself going in and out of fits of sleep, waking up not sure what was going on for a second then remembering all the pills he swallowed and figured this must mean it was working._

_Now, it was his turn to end it all._

"Clear!"

* * *

><p>Carlos felt like he was in A Goofy Movie right now.<p>

When he opened his eyes, after turning away from the bright sun shining down above him, he realized he was laying in a cornfield. And it was quite comfortable too; movies always made them out to be so itchy, but he felt strangely relaxed laying where he was. He rolled over onto his side and picked up a dandelion, which was sprouting from the ground. He took a breath and blew on it, sending the seeds flying away. He smiled. It was nice here, peaceful. It felt like a place where nothing bad could happen.

But Carlos still couldn't help but to wonder where he was, and why he was there. Forcing himself up so he was sitting, he noticed for the first time that he was wearing all white clothing and no socks or shoes. Which was weird as well; everything right now was weird, and he just wanted some answers.

"Hey there, sleepy head." a voice said - a familiar voice and Carlos felt himself tense up as his body turned in the direction of the voice. His eyes widened when he saw Logan standing before him, smiling at him. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out and he sat there with his mouth agape. Logan was here - he wasn't dead, he was really here. And he looked good, healthy and alive. It was a miracle. Carlos pushed himself up to his feet and stumbled a bit as he ran to Logan and threw himself into his old friend's arms, hugging him tightly.

"Oh my gosh, Logan, I can't, oh my gosh." Carlos blubbered on and on and Logan just smiled, squeezing him even tighter. After managing to compose himself the Latino asked in a tiny voice, "Am I dead?"

Logan sighed somewhat sadly. "Not yet." he replied.

Carlos' eyes widened. "Yet?" Logan chewed on his bottom lip and Carlos repeated, louder, "Yet?!"

"You're sort of in Limbo." Logan said, and when Carlos just stared at him with a confused expression he started to explain, "According to the Roman Catholic Church, it refers to states of oblivion - or transition. However, the theological sense of Limbo as a place where souls remain that cannot enter heaven-"

"English, please!" Carlos interrupted, looking more confused than before.

Logan managed a small smile, but it faded. "You're in between life and death right now." he told Carlos. "This is an imaginary place that your mind created while you make the decision to live or die. Hence the, you're not dead yet bit from before."

Carlos was speechless, his mouth agape as he struggled to find the words to say but really had no idea what to even think at the moment. How was he supposed to make the choice between living and dying? He could barely decide what to wear most mornings, and he was supposed to make a decision like this? "I… what do I do?" he asked desperately.

Logan pursed his lips. "I can't tell you what to do, Los." he said softly. "I can't influence your decision but I'll answer all the questions that I can to help you figure things out for yourself."

Carlos sighed heavily and rested his head on Logan's collar bone, going silent for a few moments. "What happens if I die?" he asked softly, almost sounding ashamed of his question.

"I'll show you." Logan told him, and in an instant he and Logan were in a hospital room - his hospital room to be specific. Carlos felt like he was watching a movie, only it wasn't a movie he wished to see. He watched himself laying in a hospital bed, James and Kendall on either side of his bed, sleeping soundly for what looked like the first time in days. Then, in an instant, Carlos' heart monitor went off, the horrific sound of the machine flat lining awaking Kendall and James immediately, instantly panicked. "Carlos? Carlos!" James grabbed at his shoulders, placing his head down on Carlos' chest. His eyes widened in horror. "Oh no, oh God no - Carlos, please! Carlos!"

"We need a doctor in here!" Kendall shouted practically punching the call button repeatedly with one hand, the other, holding onto Carlos' hand tightly. "C'mon Carlos, don't do this, don't leave us." he was saying as the doctors entered his room. The immediately pushed the boys out of the way, assuming they had left the room but James and Kendall simply huddled themselves against the back wall, not taking their eyes off of the scene before them.

Carlos watched them as they cried more and more each time he didn't respond to the paddles. There they sat in the corner of his room, backs against the wall and terror in their eyes as they watched Carlos' body lay limp in his bed. James had covered his ears and shut his eyes, not able to deal with the sounds of the attempts to revive Carlos, but also because he didn't want to hear it if they had to say he didn't make it. Kendall wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pulling him close and pinched his eyes shut. He had started to pray, asking God to please, please, please, not take Carlos away from them. It broke his heart to know he was putting them through this.

After what seemed like an eternity, Carlos finally started responding to the paddles and his heartbeat returned, but he didn't gain consciousness. Carlos' doctor spoke to the boys, calming them down a bit, then went out to talk to Carlos' parents. Logan asked him if he wanted to see how that went down, but Carlos denied. It was hurting him enough to see James and Kendall suffering so much; he couldn't stand to see how his parents were reacting to this situation.

"In a nutshell, that's how they'll be." Logan's voice broke through the silence, startling him. "They're falling apart now, and they're going to fall apart if they lose you. They'll blame themselves, and essentially lose themselves in the process. James won't stop cutting himself. He won't go as far as killing himself, but since he'll blame himself for your death, he'll think it's all he deserves and just keep hurting himself. And Kendall will just… kind of shut down. He'll be a ghost of his former self; he won't play hockey, he won't eat, he'll barely sleep. Nobody will be able to get through to them; not their parents, not therapy, nothing."

Carlos felt a pang of guilt in his chest and he wasn't even dead yet. He couldn't even imagine putting his friends through so much pain.

"Now for you," Logan continued. "Yeah, it's definitely going to be a hell of a lot easier if you die. You won't be in anymore pain, you won't suffer, you won't have to deal with the rotten people in this world but…"

Carlos turned to him; so far this all sounded good to him. "But?"

Logan shrugged. "You might not be happy. If you die and go to Heaven and become an angel, or whatever you think will happen to you when you die, you'll always have this feeling of missing something. Like something went wrong and you know you can't fix it."

Silence prolonged the two of the again as Carlos lost himself in his thoughts. "What happens if I live?" he asked Logan.

In another instant, Carlos and Logan were back in the field where they were when they first met and honestly, all the traveling was exhausting Carlos. He took a seat on the grass and Logan sat next to him. "If you decide to live, things are going to get rough before they get better," the raven haired boy began. "First when you wake up, you're going to be in pain; you have some cracked ribs and you broke your nose - not to mention your throat and stomach will hurt since you had to get your stomach pumped."

"I'm sure that hurts a lot less than sending a bullet through your brain." Carlos muttered.

Logan smiled ruefully. "Touché." he said softly. "Anyway, the physical pain is just temporary. You're going to battle with a bout of depression, but James and Kendall and your parents are going to be there with you every step of the way. And speaking of James and Kendall they aren't going to leave your side for a minute. They're going to feel guilty about everything and pretty much do whatever they can to make sure you don't hate them; it'll get annoying after a while but it's not the worst thing in the world."

"What about school?" Carlos asked, which was a constant fear for him. He didn't want to go back there and deal with everyone hating him.

"You won't go back for almost a month after all of this," Logan told him. "You and your parents are constantly going to fight about home schooling you but they won't let you. When you eventually do go back things are going to be… weird. The jerks who beat you up got suspended, and they keep their distance from now on. A lot of people feel bad about what happened to you, but I'm not going to lie, some will think you deserved it. All in all, it's just going to be another roadblock you're going to have to make it through but you will be able to make it through."

Carlos sighed; this wasn't going to be an easy decision for him to make. After another long silence he asked Logan, "What's dying like? Is it scary?"

"It's… weird." Logan hesitated. "It's kind of like going to sleep but not. And there's this big flash of white light and… I don't know how to describe it honestly. You kind of just know that you're dead."

Carlos nodded. "Sounds weird." he said, then sighed again. "I miss you so much Logan."

Logan wrapped his arms around Carlos and hugged him tightly. "I miss you too." he murmured, resting his head atop of Carlos'. "I saw James and Kendall already and I was waiting for the time I got to see you; I'm going to tell you the same things I said to them."

"Okay." Carlos said softly, feeling near tears again in anticipation of what Logan was going to say.

"I forgive you." he started. "I forgive you, and I love you, and you'll be okay without me. Just watch your video and everything will be explained."

Carlos didn't reply, he just wrapped his arms tighter around Logan. He knew what he had to do now. "I think I have to leave you," he said after a while. "But I'm not ready to."

"It's okay; take your time." Logan said softly. Carlos nodded and the two of them sat there together for a few more moments until Carlos literally felt himself fading away from Logan. He was afraid at first, and clutched him tighter, but Logan reassured him that it was all going to be okay. That everything would be okay.

And the next thing Carlos knew, a bright light was burning into his retinas.


	22. Chapter Twenty-One: Is Anybody Out There

**a/n: Carlos lives yaaaay! I mean, I hope you all figured that out from the end of the last chapter; I got some reviews that kind of made me question whether or not I was clear enough. If I wasn't then, I'm sorry, that was my fault (THE LIGHT WAS A GOOD LIGHT lol :p) but yes, he is alive and waking up and yay! Once again, sorry for the wait; college is kicking my butt and with all my papers, it's hard to write, but never fear: I always make time to get some writing done :D Anyways, here's some bromance-y Kames for you all and then in the next three chapters, the fun really beings (aka THE VIDEOS FINALLY) okay, happy reading! I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Twenty-One**  
><em>He's really counting on your love, still struggling uphill, but you act like you don't care. Right now he could really use a shoulder, hanging on to the edge till its over. He's crying for your love tonight, lonely is hard to survive - K'aan, "Is Anybody Out There?"<em>

James felt nauseous, and he hadn't stopped crying for what felt like an eternity. He was surprise he had any tears left, in fact. He sat by Kendall's side, not taking his eyes off of Carlos at all. He watched as his friend laid there still, he listened to his heart monitor. Every once in a while he wondered, "what if he doesn't wake up?" and he started shaking with sobs all over again. Kendall had an arm wrapped tightly around his shoulders, holding James against his broad shoulders, while holding onto Carlos' hand tightly. The blonde hadn't let go of his hand for a second. It had been a long, agonizing day, starting with Carlos' heart stopping and bringing them right back to square one, waiting for him to wake up. His doctor had reassured them that there wasn't any brain damage and when he wakes up, he should make a full recovery. Right now, Kendall and James were just holding on to the fact that he said "when" and not "if". Other than that, the only thing keeping him sane was the constant beep of Carlos' heart monitor.

But still, James and Kendall just didn't understand. Sure, they understood why Carlos was in a coma. They understood that for a few brief seconds, he had died. But they didn't understand why any of this was happening.

What had they done to deserve this?

"Do you think he can hear us?" James asked, his voice thick with tears. "Like if we started talking to him do you- do you think he can hear us?"

"It's worth a try." Kendall replied hoarsely. "I mean, it can't hurt, right?"

James sniffled and wiped his eyes. "Hey, Los," he said softly. "Can you hear me? Cause if you can hear me, I want you to know that we're both so, so sorry about everything." he paused to sniffle again and Kendall gave his shoulder a squeeze. "And we promise that we'll never, ever leave you again," James added. "R-right Kendall?"

Kendall nodded and gave Carlos' hand a squeeze. "You know it, dude." he said softly. That's when he felt it and Kendall swore his heart skipped a beat.

Carlos squeezed his hand back.

Kendall literally jumped out of his seat, scrambling backward as if he had just seen a ghost. He stared at Carlos with eyes the size of baseballs and a very confused James asked, "What, what, what?!"

"He…" Kendall panted, his hand over his chest as he tried to make sense of what just happened. "He squeezed my hand…" he whispered in disbelief, feeling a heart attack coming on.

"He what?" James gasped, turning to look at Carlos, who was laying still in his bed. "C- Carlos? Can you hear us, buddy?" he reached for Carlos' cold hand, holding it in his own and sat patiently, waiting for something to happen. "Carlos?"

There was a sharp gasp, but it didn't come from Kendall or James; it came from Carlos.

The other two boys stared in awe as Carlos' chest rose and fell deeply, then moments later his eyes started to flutter. Kendall and James were both speechless as they watched Carlos' eyes slowly open.

"Oh my gosh," Kendall exhaled and James stared with his mouth agape.

"Wasgoin on?" Carlos mumbled, his voice raspy and hoarse, wincing as he looked around the room.

"Oh my gosh, you're awake!" James squealed, elated and launched himself at Carlos' bed, wrapping his arms around the other boy and hugging him tightly. Carlos' eyes shot open wide with surprise for a second but he relaxed a moment later and returned the hug, holding James tightly. "We… we thought you were gone." James quietly wept into his chest. "We thought you we lost you."

Carlos let out a shaky breath and rested his head atop of James'. "You did for a little while," he admitted. "But I… I heard what you both said," he smiled softly and extended his free arm to Kendall. The blonde took it graciously and held on tightly, tears welling up in his eyes. "And I want you both to know that I forgive you," he continued. "I love you jerks."

Kendall let out a small chuckle but it got lost in the sob that escaped his lips and he told his friend, "We love you too bro."

"Always," James added softly, his face pressed into Carlos' chest.

The boy in the smiled a real smile for the first time in a long time, and his eyes traveled up to the ceiling briefly. Silently he told Logan, "You were right. You always are."

* * *

><p>Carlos' parents and doctor were called into the room moments later, and after his doctor deemed Carlos in good health - despite everything that had happened to him - it was like a huge weight was lifted off of everyone's shoulders. The downside to Carlos being awake and better was that James and Kendall were forced to leave the hospital and go back home. Which also meant going back to school, and to say the boys were dreading that most of all would be a bit of an understatement. Neither boy told their parents about what was going on with the other students bullying them; Kendall, because he thought his mom would freak out and do something irrational - and potentially embarrassing - and James, because he was sure his dad just didn't care. The pair suffered in silence and when they returned to school on Monday, it would be no different.<p>

Kendall awoke with a strange feeling; he wasn't sure if it was because he got a decent night sleep because he slept in his own bed rather a cold, plastic chair, or if it was because he knew that he would have to go back to his own personal hell for eight hours. But whatever the reason was, Kendall woke up with a tight feeling in his chest, which transformed into a knot in his stomach. His mom caught on to his anxious behavior during breakfast, and he simply told her that he was worried about catching up on the schoolwork he had missed. She believed him and convincing her that he was okay was now one less thing that Kendall had to be concerned with.

He didn't see James until right before first period, when the brunette boy rushed past him to get to his locker. Kendall wished he had a few extra minutes available to ask if he was alright, but right when the thought crossed his mind, the bell rang and he had to ship himself off to class. He didn't see James again until lunch when he was attempting to eat and saw James sliding in to the seat across from him. "Don't you have class?" he asked, dropping his fork next to his unbeaten lunch. James shrugged, reaching for one of Kendall's discarded French fries. "Hey, you're actually eating!" Kendall said brightly, happy that James was at least attempting to take care of himself again. Not like Kendall could say the same about himself, however. The brunette simply shrugged again, lowering his head down onto the table top. Kendall furred together and he reached across the table, gently musing James' hair. "What's wrong, dude?"' he asked gently.

"Nothing." James mumbled, lowering his head and hiding his face in his arms momentarily. He rolled his head over to the side, and asked, "Why aren't you sitting with the team?"

Kendall felt the knot in his stomach return. In the center of the cafeteria sat the hockey team and their cheerleader girlfriends, and other cheerleaders on the squad - all in the open for the entire school to bask in their glory. Kendall was once part of that, he was once welcomed to sit there. Now, he was simply sneered at or glared at until he felt uncomfortable enough to leave - and that was if he even bothered to sit there anyway. "I decided not to," he said after a moment, but couldn't resist turning his head to lock eyes with his ex-girlfriend, Jo. The blonde girl saw him and her smiled had faded almost instantly. She didn't linger for long, she simply just smoothed out her cheer skirt and focused her attention back onto the rest of the team, smiling and laughing along with whatever they were saying. Kendall felt a pang of sadness. He may not have missed being welcomed by his team, or even being involved with what they were doing, but he did miss having someone who cared about him the way Jo did.

"Dude, don't go there." James told him, snapping Kendall back to reality. The blonde blinked in confusion and James added, "Breaking up with her was the smartest decision you've ever made. She didn't like you for you; she liked you because of what you let everyone think you are."

Kendall deflated a little. "I kind of don't blame her; there's not much to like about the real me."

James mustered up a shadow of a smile and told him, "Well if it counts, I can name three people who like the real you a hell of a lot better than the you people think you are."

The tightness in Kendall's chest returned and for a brief moment, he felt happy again.

"Besides," the brunette continued, reaching for another one of Kendall's fries. "I never liked her anyway."

Kendall raised an eyebrow. "If I do stand corrected, did you try to date her at one point?" he asked.

"And she rejected me; hence why I never liked her anyway," James teased and Kendall chuckled. He was starting to sound like the old James again. "So anyway, I have a proposition for you." the brunette suggested.

"And that is?"

"Skip class with me? I need some time away from… everything." James told him.

Kendall winced sympathetically. "Rough morning?"

"And I doubt it's going to get any easier," James replied. "So… what do you say?"

Kendall sighed. He knew cutting class was wrong, but like James said, it had been a rough morning. And before James showed up, eating lunch by himself, just a few feet away from his former friends who were currently snubbing him, was the icing on the suck-tastic cake that was Kendall's day. Prior to that, his things were constantly being knocked out of his hands and degrading comments were being whispered about him. He knew he wouldn't be able to take much more. "Alright, let's go." he told James.

* * *

><p>After school, James ran as fast as his legs would carry him from Kendall's house to his own. Stopping outside of his front door, with trembling hands he opened it slowly. Gasping slightly, James felt rough hands grab him by his shirt and pull him inside.<br>James's body was slammed against the wall and he flinched when the door slammed next to his face.

"Where were you?" James's father demanded, his voice low and angry, his breath reeking with alcohol.

"I - I was -"

"You're late," Mr. Diamond said simply and flung his son forward, causing him stumble over his own two feet and fall to the floor. James flipped over so he was on his back and started scooting himself backwards, his dad keeping up with every step. "Just where in the hell were you boy?" James's body trembled as he pushed himself up and went to run to the safety of his bedroom, only to be stopped by his father grasping his hair. "I said where were you?" he hissed in James' ear.

"I - I stayed after," James stuttered, whimpering in pain feeling a tug to his hair. "My - my teacher needed to talk to me."

Mr. Diamond threw James forward once more and the boy turned around to face his father, fear written all over his face. "Would that have anything to do with you skipping class?" Mr. Diamond asked him, started towards James and he moved backwards until his back was pressed against the wall. He was stuck. "You school called and informed me that you're having a bit of trouble showing up to your classes."

"I - I, um-" James was cut off by the force of his father's hand slapping against his cheek, sending his head to the side. His heart pounded in his chest with fear, and he took that as a prime opportunity to get out of his dad's sight now.

"James get out here right now!"

James didn't look back as he rounded the corner and sped up the steps, his father just missing him as he left one of the downstairs rooms. He paused in the hallway, pressing his back flat against the wall. He needed a place to hide, he needed somewhere to get away. He needed to be somewhere safe. James reached for the phone resting on its base on the table in the hallway and ran into his bedroom. Once he was in his room, he shut the door and locked it, then ran into his closet and locked that door as well.

James's fingers shook violently as he dialed Kendall's number. He pressed the phone against his ear, listening to the rings and to his relief, Kendall's answered.

"Hello?"

"Kenny?" James's broken voice croaked out. He flinched upon hearing his father's fist pound against his bedroom door.

_"James get out here now!"_

"James? Jamie, what's wrong?" Kendall sounded alarmed and worried, as if he was ready leap in through James's window any second.

"He-he's mad… I'm s-sc-scared."

_"James I swear to God if you don't unlock this door right now!"_

Kendall could hear James's uneven rapid breathing, as well as his father yelling in the background. "Jamie, what's going on? Are you ok?" he asked. Kendall didn't get a reply; just more ragged breathing. "Jamie, whatever you do don't hang up."

The sound of James's dad beating loudly against his bedroom door made the brunette boy jump and slid back further into his closet. As he did so, he accidentally hung up the phone.

"Damn it!" Kendall cursed, loudly. He peeked his head out from his bedroom to make sure he hadn't woken Katie and then rushed back into his room, staring at the phone in his hand. "C'mon James, call back please." he muttered while hurriedly putting on a pair of shoes. A few seconds later, his phone rang again. 'Thank God.' he thought. "Hello? Jamie?" he was greeted with more heavy breathing. "James you have to talk to me." Kendall pleaded. "Please, just say something- anything."

James choked on a sob. "Do you believe in angels?" he asked, his voice cracking with emotion.

Kendall stared at the phone in confusion. "Yes, I believe in angels." he said.

"I need an angel." James sobbed. "Right now, real bad."

Kendall's breath got caught in his throat and he crossed the room to open his bedroom window. He paused and pressed the phone against his ear._ "Open this door right now James! Right now damn it!"_ He could hear him; he could hear James's father and it was terrifying him. He could only imagine how James was feeling. "James I'm coming to get you." he said, his body already halfway out of his window.

"D-don't." James whimpered out. "He'll hurt you too."

"I don't care." Kendall said firmly. "I'm gonna get you out of there."

James sniffled. "O-ok." he croaked out.

"Ok." Kendall repeated. He hung up the phone and tossed it back into his room. He carefully, but quickly, lowered his body out of his bedroom window. As soon as his feet touched the ground, he bolted over to James's house.

James's bedroom window was by a big tree so Kendall could easily climb inside. Feeling the adrenaline coursing through his veins, Kendall hoisted himself up against the tree and climbed it as quickly as he could until he was seated outside of James' bedroom window. Carefully and as quietly as possible, Kendall removed the bottom of the window screen allowing himself with just enough space to shove himself through, landing on the inside of James' bedroom.

He didn't say anything; he barely even breathed as he crept across James' bedroom and towards his closet where he was sure he had to be hiding. His bedroom door was locked but the banging on the outside hadn't diminished any. Kendall tried to ignore it and quietly opened James' closet door, revealed a shaking and crying James curled up in a ball in the corner. His eyes widened with terror as the door opened but Kendall brought his finger up to his lip instantly, telling James to be quiet. James nodded and got up to his feet, following Kendall out of his room where the blonde lead him out the window and outside of his house.

Breathing a sigh of relief that they were finally away from James' bastard of a dad, Kendall took James by the hand lead him back to his house, more or less sprinting the entire way. Neither boy really relaxed until they were back at Kendall's house, the two of them leaning against the building, trying to catch their breath. They didn't speak for a while, but it was James who broke the silence. "I'm sorry for freaking you out," he panted slightly, wiping the tearstains from his cheeks. "I just… I was really scared, and I-"

"It's okay, bro." Kendall cut in, then reached out for James, pulling him into a hug. James rested his head on Kendall's shoulder, trying not to cry again as his friend told him, "You have to get out of there Jamie. Please, just don't stay there anymore. You can come to my house and stay with me… just, please don't go back there. "

James sniffled, "I have to," he said to Kendall. "It's just… he's my dad. It's hard to just leave. And what if - what if he does something because I told? What if I just get him more mad?"

"He can't do anything to you from behind bars," Kendall said, tightening his grip around James. "Look, I know I'm not one for making promises to you anymore, but I sincerely promise that I won't let him hurt you anymore. You just have to help me help you."

James exhaled a shaky breath but didn't say anything for a long time. Kendall held him and waited patiently until James finally said, "Okay. I don't want to tell anyone yet but I won't go back there for a few days."

Kendall visibly relaxed; it was definitely a start. "Alright," he said softly then sighed. "It's good to have you back, Jamie." he said, and he meant it. He missed the old James who stood up for himself, the old James who could joke around with him, and most importantly, the old James who was his friend. Despite everything that happened to them and was happening to them still, if there was one thing Kendall could count on now, it was James' friendship. And he had desperately been missing that so much. It really was good to have James back in his life.

He didn't have to explain himself, for James just replied, "It's good to have you back too."

**IMPORTANT A/N: some of you may not know it but November is National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo, and I'm ~competing this year (I don't think competing is the proper term but all in all, I guess it IS a contest because the "winner" is whoever writes the 50,000 words by the end of the month. But I digress). Which I'm very excited about, but it may mean I might not have a lot of time to update this story as much as I please, since I have to focus a lot of my time and energy on writing my novel. I'll try to write as much of Save Me as I can, but please don't hate me if I take a long time to upload the next chapter! And yeah that's it. Thanks for all your constant support and if I don't see you sooner, I'll see you at the end of November :***


	23. Chapter Twenty-Two: Carlos' Video

**a/n: okay, a couple of things. First of all, I'M BACK! Oy, I know I've left you guys hanging for like forever, and I know the last update was weak, but NaNoWriMo is over and I'm ready to write more of Save Me! It took me a little bit to get back into the swing of things with this one, but this chapter and the next two are the ones you guys have been waiting for. Yes, I'm talking about Logan's videos! Oh the twists and turns that await you guys. First up we have Carlos (: I hope you guys like what I have in store for you hehe. And I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Twenty-Two**  
><em>I'm so sorry 'bout the ways, but I can't take away my past. But you love me anyway. And now I wanna do everything for you that I can, even though it won't erase the foolish things that I've done, things that blinded me, but now I see - 12 Stones, "It Was You"<em>

Today, Carlos felt nauseous, like his stomach was doing front flips and back flips. Today, Carlos felt scared, and he couldn't stop shaking; he could clench his hands into fists in hopes of calming down, even just slightly, but it wouldn't work. Today, nothing would make him feel at ease, except maybe one thing. Then again, that one thing could be the very same thing that broke him.

Today, Carlos was watching his video.

After the first time the three of them watched Logan's video together, Kendall emailed each of them their personalized videos for them to watch whenever they were ready.

Today, Carlos was ready.

It was the day after he had woken up and since he was still in the hospital, he had asked his mom to bring him his laptop so he could finally watch it. After seeing Logan the other day, he felt a little better about watching it. Logan said he forgave him, and he loved him, and even though he didn't necessarily believe it, Logan said he was going to be okay. But he had too many unanswered questions, and he was sure that today he was going to get his answers.

Booting up his laptop, Carlos leaned back against the pillows. He tried not to think about the possible things Logan would say, but he couldn't help it. His mind was swimming with thoughts and he was getting a headache. Would Logan be angry in his video? Would he yell like he did in the first one? Would he be crying? Would he be nice? It felt like his laptop had decided to take an extra ten years to start up but when it finally did, he found himself staring at his background, afraid to open up the video file. All of his previous drive went out the window and he was back to square one, too afraid to do anything.

He reached for his cell phone and checked the time; it was a little past six, so Kendall and James had to be home right now. Quickly dialing Kendall's number, he waited patiently for the blonde to answer as he moved his mouse around the screen. "Hey," a voice finally whispered and Carlos immediately felt a little better.

"Hey," he answered, reclining back in his bed, propped up against his pillows. "Why are you whispering?" he asked.

"Oh, James is over. He fell asleep a little bit ago," Kendall explained. Carlos heard shuffling, which was probably him getting out of range where James would hear him and wake up. James was always a light sleeper… just like Logan was.

"Is he okay? Is he sick?" Carlos asked, suddenly concerned for James. Who goes to bed at six anyways?

"He's… I don't know," Kendall admitted. "He's not sick but it's been a long day for him. He's pretty… beat."

"But is he okay?" Carlos pressed.

Kendall sighed, pausing again. "Not yet," he confessed. "But he will be, I promise. I'll make sure of it," he added quickly.

Carlos chewed on his lip; something had definitely happened today that Kendall didn't want to talk about. But as worried as he was about James, when he looked back at his computer, he remembered why he called Kendall in the first place and his nerves made a comeback. "Okay," he just murmured.

Kendall caught on to his sudden mood change immediately. "You okay, bro?"

Carlos sighed. "I don't know, I was and then I went to watch Logan's video but… I don't know," he said lamely.

"Did you get scared?" Kendall asked him.

Carlos nodded, then realized Kendall couldn't see him, and he said, "Yeah. I wasn't before but then when I was about to watch it, it just got too real for me."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Kendall sighed. "I was afraid to turn my laptop on for a while," he joked and succeeded in making Carlos laugh a little. "But whatever Logan says, you don't have to tell us if you don't want to," he added, seriously. "It's none of our business, but we'll still love you no matter what."

"Thanks," Carlos said softly, and he really did mean it. Something like that was just what he needed to hear.

"Logan still loves you too," Kendall continued. "Whatever he did say was in the past and now is now. I think he forgives us a little now,"

And that was exactly what Carlos needed to hear and his anxiety started to melt away. "Thanks," he repeated. "I think he does too," he added after a moment.

Kendall was silent for a moment again and then said, "If you're ready, good luck."

"Thanks, I'll need it." he chuckled. "Really, Kendall, thanks. I really needed someone to talk to. Thanks for answering."

"Thanks for making me feel needed again," Kendall replied.

Carlos chewed on the inside of his cheek. "James and I will always need you Kendall," he told him. "Don't forget that." this time Kendall thanked him and the two said goodbye, ending their call a moment later. Carlos turned back to his laptop, sitting up again. He was ready now.

He plugged his headphones into his laptop and stuck them in his ears. Hesitating a moment, he clicked on the START button of his laptop, then clicking on 'My Computer'. Along the sidebar, he saw the link that lead him to his video folder and he clicked on it. All of his files and folders loaded immediately, and his eyes focused on a folder he made, labeled, Logan. He hesitated again, his fingers starting to shake as he guided his mouse over to the folder and opened the folder.

And there it was, the video, just sitting there waiting for him to click on it and bring it to life. He took a deep breath and clicked on the video, ready for it to play before he lost his nerve. It was now or never.

Logan's face appeared full screened on his laptop, and Carlos felt a pang in his chest, something similar to sadness and fear. And then Carlos understood that empty feeling Logan told him about; without, Logan he really did feel empty.

_"Hey, Los,"_ Logan said to him, giving him a small wave and offered a shadow of a smile. He was wearing the same clothes as when they watched the first video of him but his demeanor had changed completely. Was this recorded before that one, or after he had clamed down? _"I want to ask you how you're doing, but I guess if you're watching this, I won't get an answer,"_ Logan rubbed the back of his neck, looking down at his lap._ "I'm not sure if you actually watched the first video I recorded-"_ so that question was answered now-_ "But if you did, it must've looked like I was pretty angry with you. And I was, I'm not going to lie. Between you and James and Kendall, I was… I was a lot of things, actually. Mostly mad, and I'll tell you why now that I'm more rational than I was before."_

Carlos didn't dare move or take his eyes off of his laptop as Logan spoke to him. This whole thing was just so unreal; he didn't know what to think or even feel right now. So all he did was just watch and listen. _"I can't put the blame fully on you guys for what I'm going to do,"_ Logan started to explain. _"But… I can't not blame you guys a little, if that makes sense. Basically, after the fight we had, everything got really hard for me personally. Mostly, I just felt so alone. Actually, I think I started feeling really alone when the fighting was happening._" Logan paused for a moment before continuing. _"A lot of the time, though, I thought of you, Carlos, which is why I recorded your video first."_

Carlos felt his heart drop into his stomach, the feeling of nausea coming back full force. _"You and I are a lot of alike, Los,"_ he said. _"We're both sensitive, we both worry about everyone else before ourselves, we both know what it's like to feel neglected. And while James and Kendall were fighting all of the time, I thought about you and how you felt. I assumed you felt the same way I did; afraid and worried and alone, because it was like you and I didn't matter for a while. All that mattered was James and Kendall, which sounds awful of me to say but… correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm sure you can agree with me."_

He did, Logan was right, as usual. While Kendall and James fought, it was like he was invisible to them, like they didn't see him or listen to him. And he did feel alone; James had his choir and play things he did, Kendall played hockey almost 24/7, and Logan lost himself in studying all of the time. Without his friends, he felt lost. _"You and I definitely should've tried harder,"_ Logan continued. _"We shouldn't have let it get as far as it did, and we should've tried to make ourselves matter to them again."_ Logan paused. _"I mean, I'm sure we mattered to them but when they were fighting, they just didn't see us anymore; they just saw each other and trying to get the other to see his point of view and understand why he was upset. But since they're both stubborn as mules, it didn't happen. I mean, you know that; that's why none of us had talked in a year. But… I don't know, I think I'm getting off topic. Sorry, let me try this again."_ Logan paused again, collecting his thoughts, and then started up again,_ "I said that you and I were a lot alike… or at least I thought we were. Because if we were really so much alike and if we were really feeling the same things for as long as we did… why didn't you say anything?"_

Carlos swallowed back the guilt he felt, hanging on to Logan's every word. _"I was alone and I was scared, and I just wanted someone to remind me that they cared,"_ the deceased boy told him._ "But I guess I had my hopes up a little too high because none of you reached out. Or you just didn't see the signs right in front of your face,"_ Logan reached for the piece of paper gain with the list on it, and Carlos instantly flashed to the first time he watched his video he made for the three of them, feeling anxious and afraid all over again.

Logan turned the paper on the camera and Carlos was able to reread the list all over again. _"The signs were here Los," he said simply. "And I thought you would be the one who saw them. I'm sorry you didn't."_

Tears had started to well up in Carlos' eyes, and when he saw Logan put the paper back down and revealed that his eyes were tearing up once again, they started to fall down his face. _"I'm sorry that it had to be like this, Los," Logan told him, his voice cracking with emotion. "I'm sorry that it got to this point and… I don't know if you'll ever see this but if you really are watching this, I want you to know that… I don't blame you. I know it sounds like I do but I really don't. This was my decision and as much as I wished things could've been different, I don't blame you for what I'm going to do."_ he paused to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand. _"I know that you feel the way I do sometimes; lost, alone, scared… but don't be like me, okay? Don't let yourself feel so abandoned that death becomes the final option for you. Don't… make Kendall and James listen, okay? Make them help you, make them remember that you're important too. Can you promise me that?"_ Logan paused for a second as if he were expecting a reply, but then continued with one last thing he had to say. _"I really do love you Los. Goodbye."_

Carlos sat there, numb, and Logan's voice echoed in his head. "Goodbye"… it was so final, so concrete. He really knew at that time that he was going to die. But there was something about the way Logan spoke to him, the way he told him everything from his perspective that really opened up Carlos' eyes. Logan was so spot on with everything he said, and after watching the video, he felt like a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders. He felt… okay.

Remembering the last thing Logan told him in the video, he leaned back in his bed again and looked up at the sky, up to Heaven where he knew Logan was. "I promise," he whispered. And Carlos didn't feel as empty anymore now.


	24. Chapter Twenty-Three: James' Video

**a/n: thanks for all the amazing feedback from the last chapter guys! I'm glad the videos are (so far) living up to expectations (: so originally, I was going to write Kendall's chapter after Carlos but at the last minute, I switched it up because I was inspired to write James' video. And who doesn't love some Jagan/James!Angst eh? Lol. This kind of took longer than I hoped to get finished and uploaded because school and blah. And I kind of have mixed feelings about parts of this chapter, but overall, I hope you guys like this one! And I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Twenty-Three**  
><em>It's been three months since he left us. So far nothing's been the same. And my question without answer is: am I the one to blame? - Hawk Nelson, "Zero"<em>

The first thing James realized when he woke up was that he was alone. Anxiety wracked at his chest as he looked around for Kendall and much to his relief, the bedroom door opened and the blonde returned. James sighed in relief, hating himself for being so desperate for someone's company, and Kendall said, "Hey, you're up." his eyebrows furred together momentarily. "Are you okay? You look kind of pale,"

James assumed his pale face was being replaced by red because as Kendall said that, he started to blush from embarrassment. "I um, when I woke up and you weren't here I got kind of… freaked," he admitted quietly.

Kendall frowned. "Aw, I'm sorry." he apologized, and James was certain his face got redder. "I was on the phone with Carlos, and then someone was at the door-"

"Don't apologize, please," James muttered, looking down at his lap. "Seriously, it's okay. I'm fine now."

Kendall must've sensed how uncomfortable he was right now because he quickly changed the subject. "How'd you sleep?" Kendall asked, leaning against the doorframe.

"Fine," and for once had actually had slept fine; for once, he hadn't had a nightmare. "Thanks for letting me stay over,"

Kendall smiled sadly, "No thanks necessary Jamie." he said. "I'm going to hunt down the air mattress so you don't have to sleep on the couch tonight," he added as an after thought. James smiled at that and his smile grew when Kendall told him, "We're having baked ziti for dinner."

James laughed lightly. "Awesome. And your mom's okay with me staying here?"

Kendall nodded. "I told here you needed some time away from home," he admitted. "I didn't tell her what happened but I told her that much."

"Okay," James said softly, and he felt a little bit of guilt. He wasn't technically lying to Mrs. Knight but for some reason it had felt like he was. He tried to ignore the impending guilt he was starting to feel, and brought his attention back to Kendall. "Um, who was at the door?"

"Oh!" Kendall's eyes widened with recognition as he suddenly remembered, "You have a visitor."

"I have a what?" James asked, but Kendall disappeared and moments later, Camille was entering the blonde's bedroom.

James smiled so wide that he was sure his cheeks were going to pop, and Camille put her book bag down on the floor to rush over and give him a hug. He didn't hesitate to squeeze her back just as tight. Vaguely, he heard Kendall say, "I'll just leave you two alone," and the door shut.

"Hey, how are you?" she asked him, brushing his bangs aside.

James was still smiling, despite how much he didn't like when people touched his hair. But with Camille, it was… okay. "I'm fine. Better now," he admitted. He didn't know how much she knew but he had been missing a few days of school at this point.

"Good." Camille smiled and turned to reach for her bag. "I brought you your homework," she told him.

James raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? You came by to bring me homework?"

Camille's cheeks flushed and she dropped her bag, admitting, "Okay, maybe I just needed a reason to see you… because I missed you."

James' smile grew, if that was even possible, and he pulled her into another hug. "I missed you too," he murmured to her. She rested her head in the crook of his neck, and he held onto her waist, holding her tightly. His eyes traveled down to the pink and black stripped arm warmers she was wearing and he felt his stomach drop a little, his mind going back to the first time the two of them talked and she took off her arm warmers to reveal the spider-web like pattern of cuts going up and down her forearm. "Can I ask you something?" he whispered hesitantly.

"Sure, what's up?" she asked, breaking their hug only to look him in the eye.

"Have you…" James paused and swallowed before asking softly, "Are you still cutting yourself?"

Much to his surprise, Camille blushed again and she whispered, "Not since you." Words couldn't describe how James felt right now but he did know that it felt right when he surged forward and kissed Camille. He had surprised her, that much he knew, but when she relaxed and kissed him back, he knew she was feeling what he felt. "Wait, wait, wait," she said, breaking their kiss and James couldn't help but to whine at the lack of he lips against his. "I'm sorry but I have to ask you now; have you cut yourself recently?"

James shook his head. "I've wanted to but… I just haven't been able to." he told her. "I - I don't know why, but I just can't." he smiled softly at her, reaching out to gently rub his thumb against her cheek. "I blame you," he added in a whisper.

Camille smiled once more and leaned in to kiss him again. James didn't know when he had started feeling such strong feelings towards Camille, but he was welcoming them with open arms. Because he had heard once before if you wanted to be happy, find someone you like and never let them go.

And James didn't plan on letting Camille go.

* * *

><p>After about ten more minutes of kissing and talking about what he was missing in school, Camille had left and Kendall returned to his room to talk to James. "So, remember earlier when I said I was on the phone with Carlos?"<p>

"Yeah,"

Kendall sighed. "I think he's watching his video today,"

James bit down on his lower lip at Kendall's words. "It was only a matter of time I guess," he muttered, looking down at his hands which were wringing nervously in his lap. There was no doubt in his mind that he was thinking of his own video and what was on it and what Logan said about it, but he just couldn't muster up the nerve to actually watch it. The whole idea of it was intimidating enough.

Kendall nodded in agreement, then asked, "Do you think about yours at all?"

"All the time," James admitted. "Ever since we first found out about them but I'm just…" James trailed off, sighing and hanging his head.

"Scared?" Kendall supplied.

James nodded. "But not knowing what's on it is killing me," he added. "It's like I want to watch it and just get it over with but every time I think I can do it I wimp out. Like, just seeing the file intimidates me to no end."

"Same with me," Kendall agreed. "But I think I'm more afraid of him telling me that he hates me or something, you know? Like, if I knew for a fact he was telling me why he did it and stuff like that, then I think I could handle it better. But I have absolutely no idea what's going to be on it and once you press play, there's no going back really."

James nodded again. "Yeah, that's how I feel," he said softly.

Kendall slung his arm around James' shoulders, giving him a tight one-armed hug. "You'll know when you're ready to see it," he told him.

James sighed, resting his head on Kendall's shoulder, asking softly, "How?"

Kendall shrugged. "You just will," he said quietly, not really knowing what else to say. James just nodded in reply to that and the two sat there in silence for a moment. "Hey, what time is it?" Kendall asked suddenly.

James looked over at the clock on Kendall's bedside table. "A little after three."  
>Kendall groaned. "I have work,"<p>

James chuckled lightly. "Have fun with that," he said, though part of him was wishing Kendall wouldn't go because he didn't want to be by himself. Not that he would admit that out loud; he had hit rock bottom enough, he needed to regain some dignity.

Kendall groaned again but forced himself out of his bed and grabbed his apron and name tag from his dresser, along with his backpack in the hopes of being able to get some work done on his break. "Text me or call me if you need me," he said as he started out of his room, already knowing that if he didn't leave right now he'd be more than late. "Seriously, I can leave in an instant."

"Not necessary," James said, giving him a small smile in hopes of reassuring him. "I'll be fine for a few hours."

"Okay," Kendall gave him a small wave and headed out. James sighed, sitting there and listening to his retreating footsteps and ultimately the door shutting after him.

It was silent, eerily silent and James needed something to hold his attention until Kendall got back. And then he remembered: he had his laptop in his book bag. Good thing too, he didn't trust it alone at his house. Reaching for his bag, James pulled out his laptop, telling himself that he was going to start on his homework. However, when he powered on his laptop, all thoughts of his homework went out the window and all he could think about was the video.

After the three of them found out that Logan had made them each a specific video, they sent them out to each other's emails so they had them on their own computers so they could watch them when they were ready. His stomach was doing flips and his chest felt tight, butt Kendall was right. He would know it when he was ready.

And he was ready.

James reached for his headphones off of the dresser and plugged them into his laptop, getting his videos folder up. His cursor hovered over Logan's video, his fingers trembling a little as he did so. Taking a deep breath, James clicked on it, flinching violently as it went full-screen on his laptop. Biting his lip, he pressed play.

Logan appeared on his laptop, and James felt uneasy. It was weird seeing him like this, like watching a ghost. But Logan didn't look like a ghost; he actually looked like… Logan. He looked like James' old friend.

_"Hey Jay,"_ Logan was saying, and James' stomach lurched again hearing his voice. _"I'm actually not sure if you'll ever see this but or the other video I made, but I kind of hope that you will…"_ Logan chuckled lightly. _"You know, it's funny. always thought you would be the one making a movie for me to watch,"_

'Don't press pause,' James told himself. 'You'll lose your nerve and you won't finish watching it,' he sighed heavily, running his hand over his face.

_"So, I guess I should just cut to the chase?"_ Logan scratched the back of his head, biting the inside of his cheek, and he sighed. _"I… well, I said this when I filmed Carlos' video but if you saw the first video I made - the one not really specified to any of you - I probably looked really, really mad at you guys. And I was; the three of you were my best friends and I just felt like you left me. And it hurt like hell, James, but…"_ Logan paused to shrug. _"I can't fully put the blame on you guys; you didn't put the gun to my head."_

James ran his hands over his face, trying to get a hold of his feelings and stay focused on Logan. _"I'm not going to lie though,"_ his deceased friend continued. _"I do blame you guys a little; you guys are kind of the reason I'm so messed up right now. But I'm sure you can relate to me on that one Jay. No offense, but you're a tad messed up too. And I mean that with love," _

_"You may not believe it, Jay,"_ Logan said. _"You're the reason I've put off… doing this, for so long."_

James made some odd noise, he didn't even realize he did it, and he brought his knees up to his chest like he did when he felt uncomfortable. He buried his face in his kneecaps, not able to look at Logan after he said that, put he placed his hands over his ears, pressing his headphones deeper into his ears, not wanting to miss a beat of this. _"I really worry about you, Jay,"_ Logan said. His voice was soft, sad. _"I know we haven't talked in a long time but I know that you still hurt yourself. You don't even have to say it, I can just tell. The way you always wear long sleeves and make sure your arms are covered at all times. And I know that your dad's still hurting you; you tense up when people get too close, flinch when anyone wants to give you a high-five or a hug. I don't know when you're going to watch this, but I hope by now, those two things have changed. But… there's just this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that's telling me it hasn't and that scares the hell out of me."_

_"I know when you first told me that your dad hit you, I know I promised to keep it a secret, but James, I really shouldn't have."_ Logan continued and James shyly peeked out at his screen. _"I think… I think I mostly kept the secret because things between the four of us were already falling apart and… this I going to sound so selfish of me, but I just wanted to make sure I was going to keep you around. And I guess that makes me a horrible friend because if I was a good friend, I should've made it sure that you were going to be safe. Even if it meant you would've hated me."_

Logan was right about a lot of things. He had told Logan about his dad because he and Kendall were barely speaking at the time, and he needed to tell someone or he was going to snap. After he had told him, James spent many sleepless nights wondering what would happen if Logan told Carlos' dad his secret. He didn't want him to tell because he was terrified of his dad hurting him even worse if he found out he told, but there was one thing Logan was wrong about: James wouldn't have hated him for telling. It probably would've saved his life in more ways than one.

_"I feel like I'm getting way off track here,"_ Logan said after he had taken a moment to gather his thoughts. _"But before I go on I want you to know this: it'll get better. This probably makes me a huge hypocrite because who am I to say it gets better? I'm the one with a gun under my mattress waiting for tomorrow to come around so I can just end it all but… James, I just really want you to stop cutting yourself. I know you think that you deserve to feel like crap, but you don't. You deserve the best and one day you'll see that. Or, at least I hope you will. I always thought you did."_

'So did you, Logan,' James thought to himself, tears sliding down his face and he buried his face back in his kneecaps.

Logan sighed, wiping his own face free of tears and then said, _"Like I said, I'm probably a huge hypocrite right now but… there's really no going back for me Jay. I'm broken beyond repair and you aren't even around to see it. None of you are around, and truth be told, I miss my best friends. But I don't blame you guys because this is my decision. Do I wish things were different? Yes, but they aren't and well… everything happens for a reason, I suppose. Don't worry though, you'll be okay. You may not think so at first but you really will be okay. And don't forget this but…"_ Logan took a shaky breath, his voice cracking as he whispered, _"I love you."_

Logan still loved him. After everything they had been through and everything that happened up until Logan killed himself, he still loved him. James didn't understand how or why he did, but Logan still loved him. Which made him feel really good actually, because James knew that no matter what, he would always love him.

James shut his laptop, thinking of Logan's last words to him. The last time James say Logan in his dream, he told him that it was okay now. He told him that in his video too, but there were different kinds of okay. There was the okay people said when they didn't know what else to say, and there was actually okay. Wiping the tears out of his eyes and closing his laptop, James fully understood which okay Logan had been telling him. It was really going to be okay.


	25. Chapter Twenty-Four: Kendall's Video

**a/n: okay so it's currently 1:51 am, and I have several mixed feelings right now... As of lately, I've been in a really bad writing funk and I just haven't been able to write. I don't really know why but writing was just so hard for me to do; ergo, working on this story was really hard, harder than usual. And when I don't write, I tend to get sad because writing just makes me so happy. And I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I kind of got... I don't know, for a moment, I didn't like this story. Because I felt like too much needed to be fixed and I felt like I was all over the place with it, and that it wasn't good. And the fact that I wasn't sure what to write for a long time didn't help anything I was feeling. So when I finished working on this chapter, I was a little nervous. Because ****I have really high expectations for myself with this story (as I do with everything I write), but especially with these recent chapters. I feel like the video's were the most anticipated part of the story, so I really hope that they're living up to your guys' expectations, as well as at least trying to meet my own. And as of right now, personally, and as ****clichéd as it is, I think I saved the best for last :) This chapter is particularly angsty and after two weeks of being in the worst funk with writing that I've ever been in, I think that this chapter came out pretty good overall. I definitely struggled with it and Kendall drove me crazy, so I kind of put him through hell a little bit (sorry not sorry), and I REALLY hope that you guys like how it came out. Also, as of right now I have finished my first semester of college, which means I have an entire month off and I can get my writing vibe flowing again and getting back to working on this story. This story really is my baby, and despite the fact that I fight with it a lot, I love it too much. And I really, really hope that you guys like it as much as I do :) And yeah, this is long and sappy and I'm overly-emotional and I blame Kendall lol. All in all, thank you all for the feedback I've been recieveing, and happy reading! I don't own anything. **

**Chapter Twenty-Four  
><strong>_And the tears come streaming down your face w__hen you lose something you can't replace_. _When you love someone, but it goes to waste, c__ould it be worse? - Coldplay, "Fix You"**  
><strong>_

Kendall turned his car off upon arriving to his job and leaned back against the driver's seat for a moment, as if he needed to catch his breath. Even though he left a little later than he usually did, he was still early for work, and instead of just going in like he usually did, he sat in his car for a few minutes. The blonde stared at his cell phone on his dashboard, half wishing it would vibrate with a phone call from James, asking him to come back home. Even though he thought it was a good sign that James hadn't yet called him, there was still a part of him wanting to be able to leave work and be with his friend. At least when he had James to distract him, he didn't have to become a victim of his own mind, playing with his anxiety and making him just a little more mental each day.

Running his hand over his face, the blonde finally let himself out of his car, pocketing his keys and phone, and started towards the store, ready to get his shift started - and hopefully ended as soon as possible. Maybe work would keep his mind busy for the next few hours…

* * *

><p>Kendall thought wrong and he really should've considered calling off of work today. Ever since he arrived to the supermarket, he just couldn't focus on anything, which resulted in him dropping many products that needed to be shelved and almost hitting a few cars in the parking lot when he was supposed to put the carts up. At least his boss was understanding that he had a lot going on right now, and wasn't completely on his case for being clumsy and out of sorts ever since he arrived about an hour ago.<p>

The blonde pulled out his cell phone, checking the time, and then groaned. It was only four-thirty, and his shift didn't end until eight - which was pretty much the biggest perk of this job; he was always home in time for dinner during the week. But that was neither here nor there, since all Kendall really wanted to do was just go home. At least at home he didn't have to think, he could just shut down and relax. But right now, he couldn't stop thinking.

Mostly, he was thinking about Logan, and whenever he thought about Logan lately, it was like his mind split up into ten different directions, all of them pulling at him and trying to get him to settle on one thought or emotion. To say he felt torn was a bit of an understatement.

Currently, Kendall was torn between two thoughts right now: to watch his video, or not.  
>Ever since Carlos told him he was ready to watch it, Kendall kept thinking about his own video. He wanted to say that there was no doubt in his mind that he wanted to know what was on that video, but there really was a lot of doubt in his mind. He was mostly afraid that when he watched it, he would find out the truth that he really wasn't ready to hear. And truth be told, there was a lot Logan could've said to him. The two of them were as close as brothers and Kendall couldn't deny it anymore; he was horrible to Logan, he knew that. But despite the fact that he finally admitted it to himself, that didn't mean he was ready to hear it from Logan.<p>

Kendall sighed heavily, roughly pushing yet another shopping cart across the lot, not even paying attention to see if it went where it needed to go and he started back inside of the store to clock out for his break.

* * *

><p>Kendall didn't make it far; for the next hour, he locked himself in his car and lost himself in his thoughts once again. In the passenger seat was his backpack, his laptop inside, taunting him wildly and the blonde had to fight the urge to smack the bag down to the floor. He pulled at his hair, mumbling, "Damn it," under his breath. He was really losing his mind right now, wasn't he?<p>

Okay, maybe he wasn't losing his mind, but there was one thing on his mind that was slowly making him lose it: the video. He just wanted to watch it so badly, but he was too afraid to. He wasn't just afraid; he was terrified. There was so much he wanted to know, so much he wasn't ready to know… This whole thing was too much for him to handle, and he knew he was putting way too much stress on himself over everything that was going on. It was only a matter of time before he completely broke.

But he wasn't even concerned about his mental health - which should be concerning enough - he just couldn't stop thinking about that video, and finally, before he lost all of his inhibitions, he grabbed for his laptop and placed it in his lap, turning it on. The time it took for his laptop to start up felt like the longest few minutes of his entire life, his heart pounding wildly in his chest. When everything was finally loaded, Kendall opened the video file.

Logan's face filled his screen, a small smile on the face that he couldn't get out of his mind._ "Hey, Kendall,"_ his voice echoed throughout Kendall's car, piercing his ears and he had to fight the urge to pause the video or stop it all together. He just had to relax. He could do this._ "I've said this three time already, but you haven't heard it yet, so here it goes: I don't know if you'll ever see this, and part of me doesn't even know why I'm making it but… I don't know, I kind of hope that you will see it,"_ Logan paused, sighing. _"You and I have a lot of history together bro,"_ he said sadly. _"It really sucks that it has to end like this,"_

Kendall had to pause the video right then and there. Doing so, he pushed his laptop aside and wrapped his arms around his middle, resting his head on the steering wheel. His chest felt tight, like he couldn't breathe. He tried to even his breathing, his breaths coming out ragged and forced. He felt sick, like he was going to throw up and damn it, he just wanted to breathe like a normal person.

Despite the fact that Carlos and James were only a phone call away, Kendall never felt so alone right now. And he knew why; he wanted Logan.

Trying to breathe through the panic attack he felt coming on, Kendall squeezed his eyes shut and tried to tell himself that it was going to be okay; that he actually managed to start the video and he would be able to finish it. He had to remind himself of the dream he had around the time of Logan's funeral… Logan forgave him. He repeated that stanza to himself over and over again until the ache in his chest dulled and he didn't feel like he was going to pass out.

Exhaling a shaky breath, Kendall grabbed his laptop. Time for round two.

"I kind of don't know what to say right now Kendall," Logan was saying after Kendall had pressed play. "But I guess all I can say is… I miss you Kendall. I really freaking miss you," Logan was silent for a long time and Kendall stared at his screen, waiting desperately for Logan to continue. "I remember," the raven haired boy said quietly. "I remember when we - when we first started out in pee-wee hockey, and you were… Kendall you were amazing. You were insane on the ice, a natural. You were just like your dad." Logan's words were like a punch to the gut, and Kendall felt his heart drop. "And I know that's why you did everything you did," Logan continued. "I know you just wanted to make him proud, and by all means, I have no doubt that you did and that you still are." Logan offered a shadow of a smile and Kendall felt his eyes welling up with tears. But not because he thought what Logan was saying is true; because he was positive his dad wasn't proud of him. "I'm proud of you too," Logan added. "I always am, and I always will be."

Kendall's heart shattered completely. He just wanted Logan back more than ever. He wanted to right all of his wrongs and turn his ex-friend back into his best friend. He wanted to do it all over; he wanted everything to be good again.

"You might not remember, but I do…" Logan paused and Kendall leaned forward, clinging to his every word. "After you became captain, you were just so busy with hockey- obviously, and that was amazing - it was a great opportunity for you and, I was proud of you then too. But none of us had seen you in what felt like forever. And we all missed you but James was too stubborn to say anything, and Carlos was convinced that you were going to come to your senses and come back to us." Logan sighed. "I don't know what I believed at the time. Part of me wanted you to drop hockey and hang out with us again, and another part of me didn't want to be so selfish and wish that on you. I just know that I missed you. A lot." he smiled sadly and Kendall felt an ache in his chest. "But I think I'm getting off track here." Logan continued. "The point I'm trying to make is, do you remember one day, after one of your late practices, and you were like falling asleep while we walked to school? And I was talking to you about hockey and how maybe you should cut back. And you said, 'I play hockey so much because it's what I want to do with my life, I'm sorry if that isn't a good enough reason for you'."

The ache in Kendall's chest got stronger because he remembered that conversation clearly. He remembered how he had been so mean to Logan for no reason, other than he assumed Logan was stepping all over his dreams. He should've realized Logan would never do that.

"Kendall, I never thought that you playing hockey was a mistake or anything." Logan said. "I was so proud of you for becoming captain and playing your heart out all the time." he paused again and looked down at his lap and his voice was barely above a whisper. "I just missed my best friend. I still do, and I always will. And I guess that's kind of what started… everything."

Kendall swallowed thickly. This was the truth that he was terrified to hear.

_"I don't know if I blame you or not honestly,_" Logan said. _"Just like I don't know if I blame Carlos or James, but at the same time, I do. Because if you guys would've just…"_ Logan sighed, shaking his head. _"I just wanted you guys to see how messed up I was without you all,"_

Tears slid down Kendall's cheeks. Logan was right; they didn't see. They were blind and dumb, and they weren't there when Logan really needed them. What kind of friends were they?

_"But,"_ Logan ran his fingers through his hair, then rounded to the back, scratching his neck. _"I know that when tomorrow comes, it's all going to go according to plan; you're going to ignore me like you always do, and I'm going to… well, if you're watching this then you know what I already did. And I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but…"_ Logan shrugged._ "I guess that's the way it's going to be."_ Logan went silent for a moment, and Kendall could feel the panic returning in his chest, his breaths coming out uneven again.

_"It'll be okay though,"_ Logan said suddenly._ "I know it'll be okay. Because I'm not going to be in pain anymore, and I'll be in a better place than I've been. And you're going to be okay, Kendall. I'll make sure of it."_ Logan smiled a little. _"Whether I go to Heaven or not after tomorrow, I'm always going to watch over you and take care of you. Just like you always take care of me, Carlos, and James. Just remember, you're allowed to let other people take care of you Kendall. I love you, bro."_

And just like that, the video was over, and once again, Logan's words had hit home. Because other than his selfishness and stubbornness, Kendall didn't know how to let anyone take care of him. When his dad died, he made it his priority to take care of his mom and Katie. Ever since he met Carlos, James, and Logan, he had always wanted to take care of them. It was only because he cared, but sometimes it came off as him trying to be controlling, because he never let anyone take care of him. And he didn't know why.

Fighting back the sob wracking at his chest, Kendall found that he couldn't breathe again. His chest felt too tight, he couldn't stop shaking, and he felt like he was either going to pass out or throw up. And worst of all, he couldn't make any of it stop. He couldn't calm himself down or get himself breathing normal again, and he knew had to do something about it or… he didn't know what could happen if he didn't get some help.

With shaky hands, Kendall grabbed his phone and after three failed attempts he finally dialed James' number. "Hello?"

"J- J - James?" Kendall's voice was unsteady, tears sliding down his cheeks and his heart working just a little too hard in his chest right now. "I - I need - Can you come get me please?"


	26. Chapter Twenty-Five: Not Again

**A/N: so this chapter is mostly fluffy and bromance-y :3 I figured it was needed after the shitload of angst I've been dumping on all of you as of recent chapters haha. Yeah, the cliffhanger in the last chapter wasn't really... planned. It kind of just happened and Kendall has a lot of issues he needs to work out, and James and Carlos need to help him (and he needs to let them). So after making Kendall break down, I figured I should bring him back up, just a little haha. I'm cruel, I know. But don't let this angst break fool you; there will be more angst coming soon in this story! But until that happens, enjoy this chapter! I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Twenty-Five**  
><em>I can hear your prayers, your burdens I will bear. But first I need your hand, then forever can begin. Everyday I sit and ask myself, how did love slip away? Something whispers in my ear and says that you are alone, I am here with you. Though you're far away, I am here to say. - Michael Jackson, 'You Are Not Alone"<em>

James couldn't tell you what he was doing when he got Kendall's frantic phone call; all he could say was that the second Kendall told him he needed him, he was out of the Knight house faster than ever. Since the Knights only had two cars - both of which were in use right now, not that it mattered to James, he couldn't drive anyway - he took it upon himself to run to Kendall's store, knowing exactly where it was. And run he did, as fast as he could; moving faster than all the years he had spent on the ice. Whatever the problem was, James didn't know, but he wasn't about to be too late when Kendall needed him.  
>In decent time, James made it to the supermarket, a little out of breath, but immediately scanning the parking lot for Kendall's car. When he spotted it, he made a break for it, rushing up to the driver's side, tapping on the window. "Kendall? Dude, open up!"<p>

He startled the blonde a little, but Kendall started to wipe his face and with shaky hands, he opened the door, throwing himself into James' arms. "Hurts," was all the brunette could make out through his rough sobs.

"Shh, shh, it's okay," James soothed him, a comforting hand rubbing circles in his back. "It's okay, just breathe it's okay."

"Hurts," the blonde whimpered again, gripping tighter onto James' shirt, trying to force the air in and out of his lungs in a way that was positively painful.

"I know," James whispered, even through he didn't. But at the same time… he kind of did. "Shh, shh, look at me Kendall," reluctantly, James broke their tight embrace and held Kendall at arm's length, "Just breathe, it's okay." he told him. "Like me, in and out." James talked Kendall through his panic attack, calming him down until he was breathing normally again and the blonde simply collapsed forward into James' arms, tears still sliding down his cheeks. "There you go, you're okay," James whispered to him, cradling him in his arms. "You're okay," he whispered that to him over and over again.

"Don't go," Kendall whimpered, his own voice pathetic to his ears. But at the moment, he couldn't find himself to care; he just wanted James, and Carlos, and Logan - he wanted his friends.

"I'm not going anywhere," James promised him, tightening his grip around Kendall. "Talk to me, tell me what's wrong Kendall,"

Kendall sniffled, burying his face in the crook of James' neck. "Everything hurts." he said hoarsely. "Please… take care of me."

"Of course," James whispered to him. He couldn't deny that this whole thing was taking him a bit by surprise; Kendall never needed anyone to take care of him, nor did he want anyone to. It was always the other way around, Kendall the rock, Kendall the controller, Kendall the one who always took care of anyone who would let him. Kendall never admitted he needed someone else… until now. But James promised he would take care of him, and that he did. He gently broke their hug so he could take Kendall's laptop and move it to the backseat of the car, before he climbed into the seat with him and pulled him back into their tight embrace. Kendall was shaking and sniffling, but James didn't let go for a second.

* * *

><p>Almost twenty minutes had passed since James first arrived to Kendall's car, amidst the other boy's panic attack. After calming him down, James held Kendall until he cried himself dry and the two sat together in silence, Kendall occasionally sniffling but not offering James any explanation. The blonde boy clung to his friend, fingers desperately entangled in the fabric of James' shirt with no intentions of letting go. He was practically in James' lap, but the other boy didn't seem to mind their close encounter; whatever made Kendall feel better.<p>

"Does it still hurt?" James asked him softly, his hand rubbing comforting circles in Kendall's back, hoping to ease away the tension.

"Kind of." he whispered hoarsely, his head resting on James' shoulder, still holding on to his friend tightly as if he expected James to just leave him.

"Can you tell me why it hurts?" James asked him, biting down on his bottom lip. He wanted to, needed to, help Kendall, make him feel better. He wanted to make it stop hurting… he needed to. But above all, he needed to know why it hurt. Kendall sighed, pressing his face deeper into James's shoulder, still not saying anything. "Please?" James pleaded with him softly. "Talk to me Kendall."

Kendall sighed again, and finally uttered, "Can we call Carlos first? I, um, I want to talk to you both… together."

"Okay," James said slowly. "Um, did you want to just drive up to the hospital?"

Kendall shook his head, licking his lips. "I'll lose my nerve by then." he replied. "Just… can we call him?" he asked again.

"Of course," reluctantly, James opened the car door, climbing out of Kendall's seat and walked around to the other side of the car while Kendall grabbed his laptop from the back seat and turned it on.

Luckily, Skype was showing Carlos as one of Kendall's online friends and the blonde immediately called him. The annoying Skype tone echoed throughout the otherwise silent car as Kendall frantically wiped at his face, trying to rid himself of any and all tears. James reached out for him, rubbing a comforting hand across his shoulders. "Hey, guys!" Carlos' voice was happy and welcoming, but his tone changed immediately when he saw that Kendall was… crying? "What's wrong? Is everything okay?"

James didn't say anything, just side glanced to Kendall, and the blonde sighed heavily, I kind of really need you both," Kendall felt a fresh wave of tears filling up in his eyes and he pleaded with himself not to start crying again.

"Okay," Carlos said slowly, not understanding where all of this was coming from or where he was going with this.

Kendall must've sensed his confusion because after that he blurted out, "I watched my video today." James and Carlos went silent, waiting for Kendall to continue. The blonde exhaled shakily, looking down at his hands twitching nervously in his lap. "I watched my video," he repeated quietly. "And… Logan told me that I need to let other people take care of me. And I guess he's right because… well, he's Logan; he's always right. But I really need you guys to…" Kendall sighed again, rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't even know where I'm going with this, I just really need you guys."

"Talk to us, Kendall." James encouraged him.

"Please?" Carlos added. "We can't help you if we don't know what's wrong."

Kendall bit his lip, fighting back a groan. "That's just the thing; I don't know what's wrong with me!" he exclaimed, his fingers running through his hair so angrily that the boys thought he was going to actually rip his hair out. "I'm just… I'm losing my mind or something! I'm just stressed and I'm not sleeping, and I can't…" Kendall's chest fight tight, like another panic attack was coming. "I can't fix everything," he whispered pathetically.

"Kendall, you don't have to fix everything," Carlos insisted.

"But I need to!" the blonde replied immediately. "I need to fix everything and make everything better - that's what I do!"

"Kendall, you weren't put on this earth to solve everyone's problems," James told him gently, rubbing his shoulders again. "You have to just let some things be."

"But… but when - if I don't fix everything, bad things happen," Kendall stuttered.

"Yeah, but it's not your fault!" Carlos told him. "None of it is-"

"Logan's dead, and that's my fault." Kendall interrupted quietly. "You're in the hospital, and that's my fault too; because I couldn't fix everything like I'm supposed to,"

"Kendall, don't you get it?" James asked. "It's not your job to fix everything. And sometimes, things happen that you can't fix; you just need to accept that." Kendall didn't say anything, and James sighed. "Look, I don't know what Logan told you in your video… but if I had to guess it was something along the lines of, it's not totally your fault."

"You watched yours?" Carlos asked James.

The brunette nodded. "Kendall told me you were going to watch yours and I kind of got curious about mine. So I just… did it. Like ripping-"

"Ripping off a band aid." Carlos finished for him with a small chuckle. "Figures we all watch ours in the same day," Kendall finally managed a weak smile, and Carlos took that as a victory on their part. "But James is right; yeah it was out fault Logan got depressed, but the most important thing is that we remember he still loves us. I don't know why or how, but he loves us."

"And he's in a better place now." James added. "I bet he's happier wherever he is." Kendall bit down on his lip, hesitating a bit but nodded in agreement. "So don't blame yourself," James told him. "Look, I know it's hard for you to just let everything happen and not do anything, but sometimes you need to just relax,"

Kendall let out a humorless chuckle. "When do I ever relax, James?" he asked, semi-sarcastically. "I'm just a psycho control freak and I'll never change."

"Your hair's gonna fall out if you don't," Carlos pointed out.

Kendall chuckled again, but ran his fingers through his hair subconsciously. Just to make sure. "I know… like I said, I just don't know how to calm down or whatever. Especially now that everything's just… nothing seems to be getting better guys," Kendall sighed heavily. "Everything's a mess, and I don't know what to do."

James sighed, pulling Kendall into a one armed hug, and the blonde rested his head on James' shoulder. "I'm sorry Kendall," he told him softly. "I feel like… it's my fault that you're so messed up. I mean, I doubt it helped anything when you and I kept on fighting."

"And me dumping all my problems on you didn't help either," Carlos added dejectedly.

"Guys - no!" Kendall sat up immediately upon hearing that. "You can't blame yourselves that I'm so weak,"

"Kendall don't say that." Carlos said. "You can't think that way."

"But it's t-"

"Don't say that it's true because it's not," the Latino cut in immediately. "I mean… you know what happened to Logan when he started getting down on himself."

James bit his lip at Carlos' words. "He's right though," he agreed. "I'm sure me and Logan are prime examples of what happens when you do that," he added, subconsciously running his fingers over his wrist.

Kendall sighed for what felt like the millionth time. "You guys are right… I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I just… I really need you guys more than ever. You are the only ones who understand what I'm going through and how I'm feeling - even when I don't understand how I'm feeling. And you're the only ones that can make me feel a little bit better, and I…I don't want to lose you guys again," the blonde whispered.

"Hey," Carlos caught his attention and Kendall raised his head to meet his eyes through the computer screen. "We aren't going anywhere Knight. We might have screwed up once, but not again."

James slung his arm around Kendall's shoulders again. "Not again," he repeated.

And with their words, the tension started to melt away from Kendall's chest once again. This time, he was almost positive it was gone for good.


	27. Chapter Twenty-Six: I'm Not Perfect

**a/n: hello you beautiful people you (: so this a/n is pretty important so I would recommend you read it haha. Alright so after much consideration, thinking, and discussion with my good friend Laura I've decided that… I'm going to start wrapping things up with this story. My goal is to get to thirty chapters and then an epilogue, so I need to go back to the drawing board with that and just tie up any and all loose ends and then well… in the words of the tagline for Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 2: "It All Ends Here" (okay not HERE but SOON). Oooh, okay yeah that's it for this a/n, I hope you all enjoy (: I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Twenty-Six**  
><em>When you're caught in a lie, and you've got nothing to hide, when you've got nowhere to run, and you've got nothing inside. It tears right through me, you thought that you knew me, you thought that you knew. I'm not perfect but I keep trying cause that's what I said I would do from the start. I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave. Was it something I said or just my, just myself? - Hedley, "Perfect"<em>

Carlos was awoken by the feeling like his body was being flung up into the air, and then dropped back down abruptly. Groaning, he opened his eyes and rolled over onto his side, seeing James rather close to him, the widest smile on his face that Carlos has seen in a while. "You're up!" the brunette exclaimed happily, pressing down on Carlos' mattress while he jumped up and down, making Carlos bounce a little bit and he then realized what the flying and falling feeling was caused by.

"Obviously thanks to you," Carlos said tiredly with a chuckle, stifling a yawn.

Kendall shook his head from the chair he was seated in. "I told James to let you sleep," he said. "He was just too excited."

"Excited?" Carlos asked, looking from Kendall to James. "Excited about what?"

James' smile grew, if that was even possible, and he resumed his jumping. "You're going home today!" he cried gleefully.

Carlos' eyebrows knitted together, and then moments later his eyes went wide. "I do?!" he sat up immediately, all traces of pain gone, and his legs dangled off of the edge of his bed, swinging back and forth excitedly.

Kendall nodded, looking like he wasn't going to be able to contain his excitement anymore than James could. "When we got here for your visit, we talked to your doctor and he said you're getting discharged as soon as you're awake," as soon as he finished saying that, James seemed to remember what the doctor had told them and he, more or less, punched the call button repeatedly. Kendall laughed. "Calm down, they're going to think he's having a seizure or something," he told the brunette, gently pulling his arm away.

"I'm sorry, I'm just excited!" James explained, the smile never leaving his face. "It feels like you've been in here for forever, and now you're well enough to go home!"

Carlos' smile was just as wide at James' - his joy was just contagious, as if going home didn't make him happy enough, the fact that James was so happy right now made him feel like he could do anything right now. "Finally!" he sighed happily. "I'm so ready to go home,"

At that moment the phrase "perfect timing" couldn't have been more accurate as Carlos' doctor entered his room, pushing a wheelchair. The three boys had never been more ecstatic to see a wheelchair in their lives. "Oh good, you're awake," he smiled at Carlos. "Your parents are signing all of your paperwork; you're free to leave whenever you're ready,"

"Now! He's ready now!" James blurted out, practically picking up Carlos and dropping him into the chair.

"Calm down, James, you don't want to break him," Kendall laughed, taking over the wheelchair because he had visions of James running down the hospital hallways, ultimately harming himself and Carlos. "The idea is to get him out of the hospital, not make sure he'll stay."

"Okay, okay," James said, backing away just slightly after making sure Carlos was secure in his wheelchair. After his doctor had said the stereotypical, "I hope I won't see you again," the three of them said their goodbyes and thank yous, and with that, they were on their way out of the hospital.

"So we've got a few things to tell you," Kendall started as he pushed Carlos down the hall and towards the elevator.

Carlos squinted at him. "Is the outside world any different than before?" he asked.  
>Kendall chuckled. "No, dopey." he replied. "We have a therapy appointment tomorrow, and since you're discharged now you can join us."<p>

"Oh lucky me," Carlos replied, only somewhat sarcastically. It wasn't that he minded going to therapy, because he really didn't. He liked the group sessions with the boys and Dr. Shipman, and he liked his one-one-one sessions where he could just talk about himself and his feelings. But he knew that once tomorrow came, Dr. Shipman would most likely want to talk about how he tried to kill himself, and Carlos wasn't sure if he was ready to talk about it yet. He also wasn't sure if he was ready to tackle everything Kendall and James were going through while he was in the hospital - especially since they were both so happy right now. He didn't want to bring them down.

"And then school," Kendall added hesitantly. "Um, we talked to your parents and you don't have to go Monday if you aren't ready,"

Carlos just nodded wordlessly. He had so many burning thoughts and questions but they would all have to wait until therapy tomorrow.

* * *

><p>"So," Dr. Shipman asked the three of them at their next therapy session. "How have the three of you been?"<p>

"How much time do you have?" James joked.

Dr. Shipman smiled gently at him. "Well, Carlos, it's been a while since I've seen you last," she said, focusing her attention on the Latino boy. "How are you doing?"

"Better," Carlos admitted, because he really was feeling better lately.

"Well, let's catch up," Dr. Shipman prompted him. "Tell me, how you were feeling the day you were hospitalized."

Carlos sighed heavily, looking down at his hands, twitching in his lap. He was afraid she would ask this. "I was feeling… alone," he said quietly. "Kendall and James kept fighting with each other and I felt invisible to them. Like I didn't matter. I know that's not true," he added quickly, sensing that Kendall and James probably felt terrible hearing him say that. "I just… it was how I felt. When I got home that day it just sort of… felt like the thing I needed to do." he finished up awkwardly, wringing his hands together.

"What do you mean, the thing you needed to do?" Linda asked him.

Carlos shrugged, feeling slightly uncomfortable. "I… I think I know how Logan felt when he killed himself," he said quietly. "When he said that he hated himself because that's kind of how I felt. I felt like I just wasn't good enough anymore, and I just… I wanted to end it all." The room was silent for a moment and then he added, "Thank God my mom came home when she did though,"

"Amen to that," James muttered, looking down at his lap. "Seriously, Los, I don't… I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Yeah, me either." Kendall agreed, then turned to face Carlos. "We love you man. And we know we screwed up, but we really do love you and we'd be lost without you."

James clapped a hand on Carlos' shoulder. "We already buried one friend," he whispered. "We don't want to have to bury another."

Carlos bit his lip, but nodded in understanding. "I'm sorry guys,"

"Don't be sorry for how you felt," Kendall told him.

"Kendall's right," Dr. Shipman cut in. "You should never be sorry for how you feel - any of you. And it's definitely good that you three are getting those feelings out in the open now," Dr. Shipman said. "And it's come to my attention that one of you has been having trouble expressing how he's feeling lately?"

Kendall raised his hand sheepishly. "Guilty."

Linda nodded. "Anything you want to talk about, Kendall?"

The blonde boy sighed heavily, leaning back in his seat. "It's… kind of hard to explain," he started. "I kind of have some problems with myself, I guess? I don't know," he sighed again. "I just want to help everyone and fix everyone but I can't even fix myself."

"What do you mean by that?" she asked him.

"I'm just so… I feel so done with myself sometimes." he explained. "Because I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, like I can't help the people that I need to. And it sucks because on top of everything that's been going on with us lately, I hate feeling like this."

"So what makes you feel like this Kendall?" Dr. Shipman inquired. "What makes you feel like you have to be the one who fixes everything?"

"He's always been like that," James answered, his voice quiet and hesitant. All eyes were on him as he spoke. "For as long as any of us can remember, Kendall's been the leader. He's always been able to solve any problem that came our way, he was always able to fix anything that was broken-"

"Except for us," Kendall interrupted, biting his bottom lip. "When we had that huge fight and stopped being friends, I couldn't fix us then. When you told us about your dad and that you cut yourself, I couldn't fix you then. When Carlos tried to kill himself, I couldn't fix him then."

Carlos wrapped his arm around Kendall's shoulders. "But you are fixing things, Kendall." he insisted. "You're helping us get better everyday."

"You got me out of my house and away from my dad," James told him. "And I promise you both, I haven't cut myself in a long time. Carlos is right; you are fixing us."

"You've got to stop selling yourself short, buddy," Carlos added. "Seriously, you're better than you're making yourself sound."

"Thanks, but it doesn't feel that way," Kendall muttered. "I feel like a failure."

"So then let us help you," James insisted. "You shouldn't have to make yourself go through any of this alone."

"The fact that you're here in my office shows that you're willing to let yourself be helped, Kendall." Dr. Shipman told him. "Your friends are right; you're worth being fixed yourself."

Kendall's heart clenched a little hearing them all say that; it reminded him of what Logan said to him. Hopefully one day soon he would believe it.

"What about you, James?" Dr. Shipman asked the brunette boy, shifting her attention to the third boy. "How have you been doing?"

"Better lately," James told her. "Uh, I've been out of my house for a few days and I've been staying with Kendall."

"Care to share why?" Dr. Shipman pressed.

James licked his lips nervously. "Uh my dad and I weren't getting along," he explained hesitantly. "And Kendall didn't think it was a healthy environment for me to be in," he said slowly, not wanting to admit that he was being abused.

"What do you mean by that?" Linda inquired.

James shifted uncomfortably. "He just… he always knew how to make me feel like I wasn't the perfect son." he told her. "And Kendall didn't want me to be around that, especially with everything I've been going through with Logan's death and all, so I'm staying at his house."

Dr. Shipman nodded. "Has your guys' fighting gotten better?"

"We rarely fight anymore," Kendall told her. "I think Carlos getting sent to the hospital really opened our eyes."

James nodded in agreement. "He's always there when I need him, and he makes me feel better." he told her. "And now that Carlos is out of the hospital, I know he'll be there too. Which is nice, because it's nice knowing they're both there when I need a shoulder to cry on or something." his cheeks flushed at his last few words, but nobody made fun of him for being corny.

Dr. Shipman smiled at that. "It's like I told you guys the first time we met," she said. "Nobody will understand what you're going through other than all of you, and no matter what, you'll always have each other."

* * *

><p>Their appointment was coming to an end, and Dr. Shipman gave them an assignment; she wanted them to write Logan a letter, telling him anything and everything they wished they could tell him. She said that the letters could be private, or they could discuss them at their next meeting but she told them that it would be good for them to do it.<p>

They boys agreed with her, deciding that it couldn't hurt to do that, and as they were rising from their seats to leave her office, Dr. Shipman stopped them. "May I say one more thing before you guys go?" They nodded and she told them, "I've noticed you all said something about not feeling good enough, or not being perfect during this meeting. And well, the things is, no one's perfect. And you guys shouldn't feel like you have to try to be. Especially when you have friends like the three of you; friends who accept and love you for who you are. Think about that guys."

The boys went silent, taking in her words, realizing that what she told them was true. They had each other, and they would always have each other.

**a/n 2: PS - i made some nice little fanart to go along with this story :) check it out on my tumblr: rightonsweetie . tumblr post/39584475150 (no spaces obviously) and yeah, if you have a tumblr you can like or reblog it if you wanna haha!**


	28. Chapter Twenty-Seven: I Am Titanium

**a/n: I know, I know, I know; this took along ass time and you all probably want to slash my tires or something. Like… I don't even KNOW what happened while I was writing this; it was much harder than I had anticipated it would be :/ wah. Sorry! But I mean, if I'm throwing out reasons why this took a million plus years, it's that basically, I took some time out to make sure this chapter would be amazing x10 (same with the reaming chapters), so aside from the fact that I was just struggling with writing this, that's what happened, hence the long wait for an update. I'm quite the perfectionist and I didn't want you guys to read something unless I was 110% satisfied with it (: That being said, here's chapter 27 and I hope that you guys enjoy! I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Twenty-Seven  
><strong>_You shout it out, but I can't hear a word you say. I'm talking loud not saying much. I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet. You shoot me down, but I get up. I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose, fire away, fire away. Ricochet, you take your aim, fire away, fire away. You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium - David Guetta ft. Sia, "Titanium"_

Carlos exhaled slowly, and then inhaled deeply, his chest rising and falling peacefully as he lay on his back in his bed. He stared at the ceiling, restless and unable to sleep. He grew tired of looking at the clock, being reminded of how many hours of sleep he had until his first day back at school since he was in the hospital. He just couldn't sleep right now; he had way too much on his mind. In retrospect, almost everything he couldn't stop thinking about had to do with tomorrow.

His biggest concern was his bullies. What would they say, or do to him? In fact, what would the whole school have to say about him? There was no doubt in his mind that everyone knew what happened, and they would definitely have something to say. Was he ready to hear it? Could he handle everyone talking about him behind his back – or worse, was he ready to face them and what they had to say to his face?

Sighing, Carlos turned his head to the side, looking at James and Kendall, who were fast asleep on the air mattress by his bed. The two of them offered to stay the night with him, in case he needed them for anything. He contemplated waking them up, but he quickly decided against it; just because he couldn't sleep, didn't mean they shouldn't get to. But despite his current bought of insomnia, Carlos smiled a little at his sleeping friends. He knew that no matter what happened tomorrow, they would be there for him, and that made him feel just a little bit better.

Carlos sighed heavily and rolled over onto his side, closing his eyes before he could catch a glimpse of the clock on his bedside table, and slowly drifted off to sleep.

* * *

><p>"Since when do you drink coffee mijo?" Mrs. Garcia asked her son, who currently had his face, more or less, inside of his mug.<p>

"Since I got probably an hour of sleep?" Carlos mumbled, stifling a yawn. The raised the cup to his lips and took a long sip.

Mrs. Garcia sighed. "Maybe you should stay home today," she mused.

"Sylvia, he's fine." Officer Garcia insisted, giving his son a small smile. "He's a Garcia. We bounce back like super balls."

Carlos smiled at his dad and drank some more of his coffee, hoping it would wake him up a little. His mom looked disbelieving but didn't say anything, and returned back to the kitchen to finish up the dishes she had abandoned previously. Officer Garcia looked over at his son, worry lines evident in his forehead that Carlos hadn't noticed before. "Are you sure you're going to be okay today?" he asked him.

Carlos forced a smile. "Like you said dad. Super balls." he replied simply. Officer Garcia smiled at his son, and much to Carlos' relief, that was the end of their conversation. As anxious as he was about returning to school the last thing he wanted, or needed, was his parents worrying about him. It was bad enough that James and Kendall had been watching over him like a pair of mother hawks since last night; he didn't want to burden anyone else anymore.

Speaking of the devils, James and Kendall appeared into the kitchen, greeting the Garcia family with "good morning"s. "Morning boys," Mrs. Garcia smiled at the two of them.

"You ready to go, Carlos?" Kendall asked, adjusting his backpack straps on his shoulder. "We're going to be late if we don't get going soon."

Carlos sighed. He wasn't anywhere near ready, but once again, he forced a smile and stood up. He then decided at that moment it was good he didn't have any breakfast because he was almost positive he would've thrown it up right then and there. "Yeah. Let's go," he said. His mom gave him a kiss goodbye and demanded that he call her as soon as he got home from school, and his dad joked about driving him to school in his police car – which Carlos politely declined. The three boys said their goodbyes, and they exited the house, getting into Kendall's car.

James let Carlos sit in the passenger's seat and after the three of them were situated, Kendall started driving them to school. And that's when Carlos was sure he was having an anxiety attack. His chest felt tight, his stomach was flipping, and he couldn't sit still. There was no point in trying to hide it now, he was a wreck.

Jumping wildly when he felt a pair of hands on his shoulders, Carlos exhaled shakily as James started to squeeze his shoulders as if he were massaging them. "You're so tense," he muttered. Carlos just nodded in reply, exhaling shakily again. "Hey, it's going to be okay, Los." James told him. "Don't even stress over it; the day will be over before you know it."

"He's right, and we're going to be there all day." Kendall added. "And if you need us, don't hesitate to call or something."

"We'll gladly ditch class for you." James said, sounding almost proud of that statement, and Carlos forced a chuckle out.

"I'm fine," he mumbled, but even he didn't believe it.

"It's going to be okay," James repeated, patting him on the back. "You'll be alright. You're a fighter, Los."

Carlos bit his lip. A fighter, a super ball… people seemed pretty fond of calling him things he didn't even think that he was.

* * *

><p>It was like something out of a movie; Carlos, James and Kendall had entered the halls and everyone went silent. Carlos was sure you could hear a pin drop as he awkwardly made his way down the hall, James and Kendall on either side of him incase they had to intervene in any way. But nobody made any movements; the entire student body seemed to just stop whatever they were doing just to stare at him. Like he was a ghost or something, like they couldn't believe their eyes.<p>

Carlos hated being the center of attention. He had this nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach, and it felt like there was a weight pressing down on the back of his neck, keeping his head down as he walked to homeroom. And for some reason, the walk seemed further than it had been before; no long was he just walking down the hall to another classroom, it was more like he was walking from Minnesota to Los Angeles.

"Carlos!"

A single sound shattered the silence, and Carlos – as well as James and Kendall – nearly jumped out of his skin. But he finally raised his head, trying to pay no mind to the staring eyes watching his every move and for the first time all morning, a real smile stretched across his lips.

Laura abandoned her open locker and book bag to run to Carlos, who opened his arms immediately upon seeing her nearing him, and engulfed him in a big bear hug. She didn't ask how he felt, or how he was doing, she just stood there a moment with him and hugged him. And Carlos appreciated this kind of silence more than the silence of everyone staring at him like he was a circus freak, holding her tightly.

Before breaking their hug, Laura placed a shy kiss on his cheek before telling him, "I'll walk you to homeroom."

Smiling gratefully, for a moment Carlos forgot about everyone's eyes on him as he took his friend's hand and walked with her to his classroom, James and Kendall following silently behind him.

* * *

><p>This day seemed to last longer than it should have, or at least that's how Carlos felt right now. It was only 9:22 in the morning, two more hours until lunch where he would at least be able to enjoy himself. Currently, he was just sitting in his English class, praying to be euthanized or something. At least he had Laura next to him to make the time a bit more enjoyable, as the two of them were passing notes to each other, commenting on their teacher's new up-do and how it made her head look like a lemon. Carlos liked this, stifling laughter and feeling genuinely happy with a good friend. It wasn't that Kendall and James weren't good friends; they were his best friends. But it was different with Laura because unlike Kendall and James, she wasn't concerned with his well-being or asking him how he was every five minutes or ready to launch themselves at anyone who looked at him the wrong way, Laura just wanted to make him smile. She knew to give him space, but not so much where he felt that usual loneliness. She was just what he needed on his first day back. Especially with everyone staring at him right now.<p>

It was just like the day when Carlos realized everyone was starting to blame him for Logan's death. He remembered walking into his classroom, this exact same one, and everyone was staring at him. And it wasn't like how they usually looked at him, particularly after Logan's death when everyone would just stare at him with pity in their eyes and he could just tell that they felt bad for him. It transformed that day to some sort of looks that Carlos couldn't decipher, but it was as if they knew something about them that they didn't know; now Carlos knew that they were looking at him as a murderer.

Today was kind of like that day, but at the same time, it was like before – how everyone was looking at him, that was. Half of the people in his class, as well as the entire school, were giving him that pitied look, while the remainder still looked at him like he was the devil or something. They all probably thought that he deserved what had happened to him.

For a while, Carlos thought the same way.

When it first happened, when Nate and his friends jumped him, he thought that all of it was like karma or something. Because it was like the universe was showing him how Logan felt for the longest time – hurt, beaten, ignored. And Carlos had felt it all at once, one blow after the other. So it definitely made sense to him that he deserved what he got, and for a while after it happened, he wished that the pills had worked just a little bit faster. Because it was only fair right? Logan had been treated like crap for the longest time, and he was blind to it. Now it was sort of like it was his turn to be treated like crap, to know what it was like to actually want to die. Logan had felt that way, Carlos knew it for sure, but instead of being blind to it like Carlos was to him, Logan helped him still. Even if he wasn't with him anymore, Logan still managed to save him.

Figures; even after death, Logan was still way better to him than he deserved.

But Carlos was determined to make it up to him, and he was going to do that in the only way he thought possible: he was going to make his life worth living. He wasn't going to live in fear anymore, or act like his life didn't matter anymore. It was like Logan told him when he saw him in his dream – _"When you eventually do go back things are going to be… weird. The jerks who beat you up got suspended, and they keep their distance from now on. A lot of people feel bad about what happened to you, but I'm not going to lie, some will think you deserved it. All in all, it's just going to be another roadblock you're going to have to make it through but you will be able to make it through."_ – he would be able to do it. He was going to turn things around, starting today.

When the door to his classroom suddenly opened, Carlos felt his stomach drop. Walking inside was Nate, the guy who had beat him up just about a month ago. The guy who had been tormenting him and his friends for the better part of this year. The guy who probably treated Logan just as bad, if not worse, than that. And here was, right in front of him.

Carlos swallowed thickly. He had no idea turning things around would've started so soon.

Nate kept eye contact with him as he walked to their teacher, handing her his late pass. Carlos didn't look away, he couldn't, and neither could anybody else in the class. Perhaps the only person oblivious to it all was their teacher.

Finally, Carlos broke eye contact, looking down at his notebook. He could feel Laura's eyes on him, but she didn't say anything and neither did he. He took a deep, calming breath, reminding himself that he was strong and he would make it through this day, even if Nate was back. He was going to be strong and brave, and he was going to be okay. He had Laura, and James, and Kendall – the three of them had his back. And he had Logan in a way – angel Logan. Yeah, Carlos was going to be okay.

He glanced up and saw that Nate had taken a seat rather closely to him, and he felt his heart stop. 'It's okay' he told himself, only he wasn't entirely sure if that was a lie or not.

* * *

><p>As soon as Carlos ended, Carlos was arguably the first person out of the room; he had left so fast for a moment he wondered if he even heard the homework assignment. But he didn't dwell on that for long; he had other things on his mind.<p>

Quickly, he made a beeline for the boys' bathroom, the same one where Nate and his friends had beat the hell out of James previously – _oh the irony_, he thought – and he checked that he was the only person in there. Once that was confirmed, he grabbed his phone from his pocket and texted both James and Kendall, which was probably just a lot of gibberish because his hands were shaking terribly but he told them to come here as soon as they could.

In what was probably record time, the bathroom door was opened so roughly that it banged against the back wall and James and Kendall had arrived. "We saw Laura after the bell rang," Kendall explained. "And when we saw you weren't with her, we had a feeling something wasn't right."

"Your text kind of confirmed that," James added, waving his phone up in the air. Carlos caught a glimpse of it and yeah, nothing but gibberish on the screen. His cheeks flushed slightly at that.

"So what's up?" Kendall asked, a familiar panic setting off his tone.

"N-" Carlos could barely say it without the words getting caught in his throat. His heart started to pound a little bit harder than usual and he felt the need to suddenly throw up. "Nate…"

"What about Nate, Carlos?" James asked slowly, sounding torn between nervousness and sudden rage.

Carlos swallowed thickly, struggling to get his thoughts – and himself – together. "He's – he's back. At school," he explained softly. "I, um, he was in class today and… I don't know, I guess it freaked me out. Like, what the heck is he doing back? I thought he was suspended? How is he back the same day I am?!"

"Carlos, breathe, calm down," Kendall told him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Carlos took a deep breath, as per his instructions, and Kendall rubbed his shoulder a bit, hoping to ease away the tension. "Don't worry about Nate, okay," he told him. "I promise he won't lay a finger on you ever again. Not while me and James are around to teach him a few lessons,"

"And besides," James added. "He's on, like, major surveillance from all of the teachers. They know what he did to you and he won't be getting off easy-"

James was interrupted by the sound of the bathroom door opening and none other than Nate walked inside.

Instant silence fell upon the four boys, and Carlos swore he felt like he was going to go into cardiac arrest, as his heart was definitely working in overdrive right now. An eerie smile creeped its way onto Nate's face and he said, "The four of us together again. Some things never change, do they?"

Instinctively, James moved closer to Kendall but put on a brave face, telling Nate, "Just leave Carlos alone okay?"

"Or what?" Nate challenged.

"Or this time, you'll be in the one in the intensive care unit," Kendall replied instantaneously.

"Kendall," Carlos murmured softly, trying to get the point across to his friend that he didn't want any violence.

Kendall got Carlos' hint and took a deep breath, putting the flame out on his temper and said to Nate, "Just leave us all alone, okay? We don't care for you as much as you, for whatever reason, don't care for us. So how about we just avoid the hell out of each other? Okay?"

Nate rolled his eyes for a moment. "You just don't get it do you?" he asked them. "Any of you?" the other three boys were quite and Nate continued, "What gives the three of you the right to walk around every single day without a care in the world, when your so-called friend Logan is buried six feet under because of you three?"

Carlos flinched at the verbal blow but he held his ground. He promised to himself and Logan that things were going to turn around; no longer was he going to just stand by and let things happen. He was going to take action.

"What gives you the right to act like you know anything about us or Logan?" he snapped back, surprising everyone in the room. "You sure as hell weren't friends with Logan, how do you know-"

"Everyone knows," Nate cut in. "Okay, everyone in the whole school knew that the four of you stopped being friends and everyone knows that's why Logan killed himself; because you guys abandoned him,"

"You don't know that!" Carlos snapped, feeling his anger bubbling within. "You don't know a thing about Logan, or us, and frankly, I'd appreciate it if you stopped acting like you're doing the world a huge favor by beating us up because of what you think happened. You don't know Logan and you don't know why he killed himself – we do, though, and it isn't any of your damn business." Carlos took a step forward, closing the gap between him and Nate. Up close, Carlos was painfully reminded of how short he was in comparison to Nate, who was near Kendall's and James' height. But right now, he felt like he was ten feet tall. "But do you want to know the truth?" he asked. "Logan killed himself because people like you treated him terribly every single day of his life. Yeah, we didn't help the situation when we stopped being friends, but you and all of your ape friends who shoved him into lockers and stuffed him into trashcans and beat him up in the locker room sure didn't do anything to save him. So obviously, you're just as much to blame and if you want to rid the world of evil, why don't you try starting with yourself?" Carlos' chest was heaving, adrenaline pumping through his veins. Never had he felt so… he couldn't eve describe how he felt right now, but it felt _amazing_.

Nate didn't say anything for a long time, in fact nobody did. They were probably in shock that Carlos actually stood up for himself just then. Carlos was a little surprised himself; he had no idea that he had it in him. But a little voice in the back of his mind – a voice that sounded oddly similar to Logan's – told him that deep down, he knew he could do this all along.

"Look," Carlos said in a quiet voice. "I know that you probably think I'm awful because of what happened to Logan, but we can't go the rest of our lives just hating each other. We don't have to like each other, but spreading all of this hate isn't going to help anyone." Carlos extended his hand to Nate. "Like Kendall said, we can avoid each other all we want but… it's time to end all of the blame games we've been pinning on each other." He paused for a moment. "Truce?"

In what felt like hours, was probably only a few seconds, a minute at most, but still, the bathroom remained silent as Carlos stood there with his hand out, feeling nothing but vulnerable. Then finally, Nate took his hand and shook it. A smile spread across Carlos' face, and he watched as Nate, Kendall, and James all shook hands as well. Then without another word, Nate left them alone.

Sighing heavily, Carlos nearly fell back into James and Kendall's arms, who immediately pulled him into the tightest three-way hug imaginable, telling him how proud they were of him, how they knew he could do this, how amazing he was for doing what he did. And Carlos felt like he could cry right then and there because he was proud of himself as well.

Carlos smiled because for once, he truly felt like that super ball his dad said he was, or like the fighter James and Kendall said he was. But at the same time, he felt better than that.

He felt… titanium. Like nothing could break him. And he glanced up at the ceiling, hoping Logan was looking down on him, smiling and proud. A part of him knew for a fact that he was.

**a/n2: I don't usually do notes at the end of chapters BUT I'm making an exception this time to tell you all that I'm going to try super hard to make sure the next update doesn't take as long lol and that I really hope you all thought this chapter was worth the wait :)**


	29. Chapter Twenty-Eight: Purple

**a/n: hello loves! Yes, I took forever and a day to update this – I know, I suck, I'm sorry lol. But bear with me a moment because I have to say this – 150+ reviews?! HOLY CRAP. Honestly, I'm so amazed that so many of you liked my story enough to say so, and I can't thank you all enough (: you all rock! That being said, I hope you enjoy some Kendall centric angst (which was a pain in the ass to write, and it kinda made me cry lol), and as always; I don't own anything.**

**Chapter Twenty-Eight  
><strong>_Show my cards, gave you my heart, wish we could start all over. Nothing's makin' sense at all. Tried to open up my eyes, I'm hopin' for a chance to make it alright. When I wake up, the dream isn't done. I wanna see your face, and know I made it home. - All Time Love, "Painting Flowers"_

Lately, Kendall's been feeling red and blue; two extremes.

When he feels red, he's angry. When he's red, and when he thinks about how Logan's gone, he just feels this undeniable anger that he can't explain. He's angry at himself, at James and Carlos, at Logan, at the world. He feels hot, like his skin is on fire. He wants to scream, to break things because maybe, just maybe, it'll make him feel better. Maybe if he's destructive enough, the red will fade away. But it never does; he can scream until his throat is raw, or destroy all of the pictures he has of him and Logan - nothing makes him feel better. Nothing makes the red go away, except for blue.

When he feels blue, he's sad. He's more than sad; he almost feels empty. When he's blue, and when he thinks about how he misses Logan, he can't think straight. His heart hurts when he's blue. He just feels, and he feel's so sad. He feels cold, ice cold, inside and out. And he cries a lot when he's feeling blue. He cries until he feels dry, until there aren't any tears left. He cries until his eyes hurt, until he feels like he's going to throw up but he doesn't try to stop the tears. Because maybe if he cries enough, he'll feel better. But he doesn't. Nothing makes the blue go away, except for red.

He can't alternate between red and blue whenever he wants to, he's stuck with those two feelings - like a vicious circle he can't get out of. James and Carlos try to help him, and they're always there when he comes crashing down, but he only feels better for a little bit. Then the red comes back, or the blue comes back, and sometimes Kendall doesn't think it'll ever be okay.

There was one thing that used to make Kendall feel better, and that was hockey. Whenever he had a bad day, or whenever he was upset, he would go to the rink and just blow of steam. After a couple of hours skating, he always managed to feel better. But lately... it was like hockey and skating weren't enough for him. And that's what scared him the most; because if hockey didn't make him feel better, what would?

He's been at the rink for a few hours now; he cut school in the middle of the day, and this is what he has to show for it - shooting hockey pucks at the wall and skating in circles. This used to be the thing that cheered him up, but even after a few hours of it, he still felt hollow inside.

Kendall did a lap around the rink. Aside from his room, this is easily his favorite place. Everything about it makes him feel okay. Here, he feels like a winner, a champion; he feels like he's worth something. Except lately, he hasn't felt any of those things. Lately he feels like he should have even come here in the first place.

That's how he felt today, and he should've known if he wanted to forget about Logan, he shouldn't have come to the place where the two of them first met.

Kendall was five at the time, and after begging his dad for weeks, here he was in this very place. His dad was teaching him how to skate because there was nothing little five year old Kendall wanted more than to skate just like his daddy. Unfortunately for him, skating was a lot harder than they made it look on TV, and after a good ten minutes of just falling on his butt, Kendall had taken to clinging to his dad's leg in hopes of just being able to stand. But what made him feel better was that he noticed he wasn't the only one having a hard time skating. There was a little boy, much smaller than him, who hadn't moved from his spot in the corner, despite his dad trying to coax him out of hit; there was a boy wearing a helmet who had seemed to given up on skating all together, and was laying on his stomach, as if he was trying to swim around the ice; and there was a boy who seemed more interested in fixing his hair, which was matted down by a helmet he was previously wearing, than skating at all. Kendall had been watching them for a while, and he decided that they were probably three of the weirdest kids he had ever seen.

Somewhere along the way, he became best friends with those three weirdos.

Kendall wished he could just go back in time to that moment, when he was five years old. Back before the red and the blue... back when everything was so much simpler.

"Something told me you'd be here," a voice snaps Kendall out of his thoughts, and the blonde turns around to see James and Carlos, laced up and on the ice gliding towards him.

"This is where it happened," Kendall said so softly that he wasn't even sure if he was the one speaking initially. "This is where.. we first met. This is where it all started. Carlos and James looked around, as if realizing where they were for the first time. "We had to be like five," Kendall continued, a shadow of a smile on his face. "I remember I wouldn't let go of my dad's leg when I first got here. Everything seemed so... big. So scary."

"Not so much now, right?" Carlos asked him.

Kendall shook his head. "No," he whispered softly.

"You know," James mused. "This place is kind of like our Jerusalem... all the roads just seem to lead us back here."

"We went to your house," Carlos offered Kendall his vital information of the two of them searching for him since he walked out of school. "And your store. But we should've known that you just would've been here." there's a moment of silence, as Kendall doesn't say anything. "How are you doing?"

Kendall scoffed. "How am I doing?" he repeats, skating around a little bit, going in a circle. "How am I doing... I don't know how I'm doing. I don't know anything anymore," suddenly feeling frustrated, Kendall slams his stick against the puck, sending it flying towards the goal. If this was a year ago, Carlos would've blocked that shot easily. Now, it just flew into the net, smacking against the back but bounces back against the ice.

Kendall wanted to do that. He wants to be able to bounce back; to just pick up and go about his life, as if he's not deeply screwed up inside. Or at least he wants to be able to fake it, but he can't and it's killing him.

Killing him. Kendall laughed a little at the wording he chose, and then he realized that he was actually laughing out loud. He turned to Carlos and Kendall, and they're staring at him with worrisome eyes. And Kendall's smile faded altogether. "What's wrong with me?" he asked them. "Why is everyone else okay and I'm still stuck in the past?"

"It doesn't get better over night, Kendall," James said gently.

The blonde sighed heavily, borderline groaning. "I just..." he slams his stick against another puck and watches as it misses the goal, hitting against the side of the net and pretty much comes sliding back to him. And once again, Kendall wishes he could just bounce back. James did, Carlos did, Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell did, the entire school did - why can't he? Why is he still stuck in this rut? Why can't he just be okay?

"Kendall?" Carlos snapped him out of his thoughts once again; he noticed that his voice even sounds worried for him. "Dude, just talk to us, okay?"

"Why does everyone want me to talk to them?" Kendall finally exploded, and he didn't mean to lash out at Carlos but once he got started, there was no stopping him. He was like a bomb going off, and everything in his path was about to get destroyed. "Dr. Sullivan, you guys, my mom - there's just so much pressure for me to talk to someone, every day - twenty-four hours a day! But I don't want to talk, I _can't_ keep talking! I need to move on!"

"Kendall-"

"I didn't chose this, okay?" he snapped, cutting James off. "I - before this, I hadn't talk to Logan in months, okay? He wasn't in my life, and I was_ fine_! I was doing just fine, and then he comes back, and he - he just..." Kendall nearly fell to the ground, feeling exhausted, and he lowered his head, feeling the tears filling up his eyes. "He needed me," he nearly whimpered. "He needed us, he needed someone, and we weren't there. I wasn't there."

James looked at his friend, and his heart breaks for him. "Kendall,"

"He came back because he needed us," Kendall continued. "He - he needed us, but it was too late."

"Kendall, he was sick," Carlos said. "Really, really sick, he-"

"We should've fought," Kendall insisted, still not meeting his friends' eyes. "We should've fought harder to save him-"

"Kendall, you saw the videos; his mind was made up by then," Carlos reminded him gently. "At that point, there was nothing we could've done," hearing that makes a sob escape Kendall's lips and then he just drops to the ice, curling into himself, and he can't stop the tears.

James and Carlos are instantly at his side, trying to soothe him but Kendall just chokes on his sobs, muttering, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," over and over again.

"Shh, you don't have to be sorry," James whispered to him, pulling his friend in for a tight hug, Carlos at his other side, holding him just as tight. "Kendall, it's okay. You're going to be okay,"

"I'm not!" Kendall choked out. "I'm - I'm - I just-" he sobbed hard again, his chest and stomach hurting and he whimpered out, "_It hurts_,"

"We know it hurts," Carlos told him, thumbing his tears away. "We know, dude, we get it, okay?"

Kendall takes a moment to calm himself down as much as he can before he asked, "How - how does it stop? Why can everyone move on, except for me? What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you Kendall," James reassured him. "It's like I said, this won't get better overnight,"

Kendall sucked in a deep breath, and brought his hands up to his face, wiping furiously at his eyes. "I need to go somewhere," he said and instantly, he got to his feet before he could talk himself out of this like he had many times before. He forgot for a moment that he was on skates and he nearly fell flat on his face, but he staggered on forward, eventually making it out of the rink and ignoring Carlos and James calling his name until their voices became a distant echo.

* * *

><p>The last time Kendall was here, he had passed out and forgot most of that afternoon. He couldn't handle being here; it was all too intense. But he knew that he needed to be here. He needed closure, or whatever it was that was going to make him feel better. He needed this.<p>

Taking a deep breath, and swallowing back the feeling of nausea that was bubbling in the pit of his stomach, Kendall hesitantly entered the cemetery and started to walk forward. It had to be the longest and hardest walk of Kendall's life, but eventually, he found himself standing in front of Logan's headstone, his heart aching painfully in his chest with every beat. "Hi," he whispered, his voice cracking and almost immediately, Kendall dropped down to his knees, unable to hold himself up. He stared at Logan's headstone wordlessly before whispering, "For once in my life, I have no idea what to say," and he chuckled a little, though there wasn't much humor behind his laugh. Sighing heavily, Kendall ran his fingers through his hair, trying to collect his scattered thoughts, still staring wordlessly at Logan's headstone. His fingers traced over Logan's name, his fingers dipping in the cracks and indents of marvel, and he found himself whispering to him, "I'm so mad at you Logie," and like before, once he got started, he couldn't stop. "I - I can't say this to anyone else - God forbid, or I'll sound like a terrible person, but I'm just so mad at you Logan. And nobody will ever understand that." he looked down at the ground. "Why did you do it?" he whispered as if he didn't know the answer. "Because I'm pretty sure you didn't realize that when you killed yourself... you didn't just kill yourself. You killed me too." as expected, Kendall got no reply, and once again, tears started to roll down his cheeks. "I hate you," he spat out at the headstone. "I hate you, and I hate myself, and I just..." Kendall's voice broke off in a harsh sob, and he brought his hand up over his mouth.

"Kendall?"

Frantically wiping his eyes, Kendall turned around to see Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell standing just a few feet away from him. It was weird seeing the two of them together; ever since their divorce, Kendall hadn't even seen them in the same room. But here they were, the two of them standing side by side, as if they didn't have so much resent for each other. It was almost eerie, and Kendall found himself wondering what Logan thought about his parents being together like this. Would he find it weird, or would he just be happy that they were together? Or would he be like Kendall, and wonder how on earth the three of them managed to be in the same place, at the same time, when it never happened before today.

Kendall wasn't a strong believer in fate, but... maybe there was a reason that on his fateful day, this day when Kendall was hating himself the most, that Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell had showed up.

Sighing to himself, Kendall wiped his eyes again and stood up. "H- Hi," he said shakily.

They smiled slightly at him. "How are you doing?" Mrs. Mitchell asked him.

Kendall sniffled, subconsciously wiping his eyes. "I'm... I don't know," he admitted.

Mr. Mitchell nodded in understanding. "We get that," he said. "Some days are harder than others." he paused a moment, looking at his son's headstone, going silent. A moment passed, and he wrapped an arm around his ex-wife. "For a while, we didn't think there would be any good days left," he said softly, and Mrs. Mitchell nodded in agreement.

Kendall looked back at the headstone and knelt in front of it again. "I..." he inhaled, his chest feeling tight. "I'm so sorry," Kendall told the two of them, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

Mrs. Mitchell shook her head, kneeling down next to him. "It's only been a few months, Kendall, but we'll be okay," she told him soothingly. "Give it some more time and -"

"No, I don't mean I'm sorry your son's dead," Kendall interrupted. "I - I mean I'm sorry that I..." Kendall trailed off, running his hands over his face and he took a deep breath. "It's my fault Logan did it," he nearly whispered. "It's all my fault." Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell were silent for a moment, and Kendall continued. "I just - I didn't try hard enough. I could've saved him but I didn't, and now... he's gone forever. And it's all my fault,"

"Logan was ill, Kendall," Mr. Mitchell told him. "Anything could've set him off-"

"But it was me," he insisted.

"And that sucks," Mrs. Mitchell said. "But it isn't your fault, honey. You can't put the blame on what Logan did on yourself."

Kendall's shoulders slumped and he looked up at the two of them. "Why don't you hate me?" he asked. "I - I just said it's my fault your only son is dead, and you're just okay with it?"

"Kendall, we could never hate you." Mr. Mitchell said, as if that was the most insane thing he had ever heard. "You've always been there for Logan, ever since the two of you were five years old. You were his best friend, and like a son to us." he paused, looking at his ex-wife. "I think it just makes more sense to have something or someone to blame for what happened, because it'll make it easier to deal with. But it wasn't just one thing or one person that set Logan off. It was a lot of things; he was sick, and he needed help."

"And it wasn't just you that wasn't there for him," Mrs. Mitchell added. "It was...all of us."

Kendall sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes again. "I just... I want to feel better again." he told them. "Or, at least be able to fake it."

"It's not easy, but it's not impossible either." Mrs. Mitchell told him. "And it's not something I can give you a step-by-step process for. Just give it time,"

"What helps us is talking," Mr. Mitchell added. "Not to other people; to Logan. Because we know he's always listening. That's why we're here today; we just wanted to talk to him... tell him we miss him and we love him. And even though he can't answer us, we know he can hear us,"

Kendall bit his lip hesitantly. "He always was a great listener," he said softly. He glanced back at his headstone.

Mrs. Mitchell smiled sadly, rubbing his back gently. "It'll be okay, Kendall." She repeated. "Don't be so hard on yourself either. I know things haven't been easy for you ever since Logan... passed, but whatever happened between you two is in the past. And if I know my son, I know that he still cares about you, just like you still care about him."

Kendall sniffled, feeling a tear streak his cheek. "Even after all this time?" he asked.

Mrs. Mitchell nodded, smiling sadly, and she said to him, "Always."

Kendall let Mrs. Mitchell pull him into a hug; Mr. Mitchell gave him a pat on his shoulder. He rested his head on her shoulder, and closed his eyes feeling the wind whipping at his face. When his dad first died and he came to see him at the cemetery, Kendall used to believe that whenever the wind blew when he was there, it was his dad talking to him, telling him that it was okay. As he felt the wind pick up, just slightly, he wondered if Logan was telling him that it was okay.

And in the back of his mind, he remembered the last thing Logan said to him; in his video, the last thing Logan said before the recording had stopped: _I'm always going to watch over you and take care of you. Just like you always take care of me, Carlos, and James. Just remember, you're allowed to let other people take care of you Kendall. I love you, bro._

Maybe Kendall didn't know how to let people take care of him, and maybe Kendall wasn't going to get better overnight, but for once, Kendall felt... not okay, but better. He didn't feel angry, or sad; he didn't feel red or blue, he felt...

Purple.

It was a like a mixture of the two feelings, but at the same time, it was something in between the two extremes. Like he was finally evening out. He didn't feel tense, or broken; he doesn't feel on fire or frozen. He feels... purple. He wasn't exactly numb or hollow but... he just had this feeling that he just knew everything was going to be okay - and for once, he actually believed it. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but one day, Kendall is going to wake up and he won't feel red or blue; he won't lash out at everyone, or cry until he can't even stay away. Because Logan didn't hate him, and his parents did hate him, and for once, Kendall didn't hate himself. And all along, Logan's been taking care of him, just like since they were five years old, Kendall took care of him.

Blinking back tears, Kendall looked up at the sky, silently saying to Logan, "Thank you for taking care of me."


	30. Chapter Twenty-Nine: Get Me Out Of Here

**a/n: so this would've been up a day or two ago, but this thing called BTR PRESALE happened, and i was just emotionally and physically drained for a bit lol but i'm proud of myself for not taking a month to update :D JAMES ANGST YAYYYY! I mean, ahem, poor Jamess. Lol. This chapter is easily one of my favorite's, in fact I started writing this one before I touched Carlos' or Kendall's chapters :) and I hope you all like it as much as I do! (ps: one/two chapters *see bottom A/N* until the end -sobs-). I don't own anything.**

**OH AND FUN FACT: A FEW DAYS AGO (MARCH 21ST) WAS THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THIS STORY :') and I missed it lmao. I suck omg. BUT YEAH, IT'S INSANE THAT I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS BAD BOY FOR A YEAR NOW OMG AND I WOULDN'T EVEN BE AT THIS POINT WITHOUT YOU GUYS SO :')**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine  
><strong>_You're falling, you're screaming, you're stuck in the same old nightmare. He's lying, you're crying; there's nothing left to salvage. Kick the door cause this is over, get me out of here - Simple Plan, "No Love"_

"No, no way,"

James sighed, raking a hand through his hair. "Kendall-"

"You're not going back there!" the blonde insisted.

"Kendall, I can't just live here forever," James said patiently.

"Why not?" Kendall asked. "Mom loves you and Katie... tolerates your company,"

"Kendall-"

"Don't take it personally; she's going through the phase where she hates everyone," Kendall explained.

James sighed again, turning to Carlos. "Please tell him he's insane?" he asked his other friend for help.

Carlos shrugged. "I'm kind of siding with Kendall on this one, Jay," he replied sheepishly.

James groaned. "Guys, I've been staying at Kendall's house for over a week, and while I'm eternally grateful, I can't keep living here," he explained. "My dad's gonna want me back home at some point,"

"Why, so he can get his punching bag back?" Kendall muttered, and Carlos nudged him swiftly in his ribs.

"What Kendall means is," Carlos started, a little louder than necessary, glaring at the blonde a little. "You'd be so much safer at the Knight's house,"

"Or with your mom," Kendall suggested.

James rolled his eyes. "We've been through this already," he mumbled. "She doesn't want me-"

"You're her son; of course she wants you," Kendall insisted. "Look, I know you're mad at her for walking out but maybe she had the right idea." James didn't say anything, and Kendall added, "It wouldn't hurt to call her up and talk to her about living with her."

James chewed on his bottom lip. "I... I don't know,"

"You can't live like this forever, dude," Carlos offered. "You don't deserve to hurt like this."

James contemplated this. His friends were right; it would be much safer living with his mom, as opposed to staying with his dad and getting beat up every other day. He didn't want to live in fear anymore, and he didn't want to be scared anymore. He just wanted to be happy.

He _deserved _to be happy.

He glanced up at Kendall. "Can I borrow your phone?"

James' mom was away on business, but she answered his call immediately. He explained to her everything that had happened since she left, and she said she "had half a mind to hop on the first flight back to Minnesota right now"; James talked her out of it, then mustered up the courage to ask if he could live with her. She didn't even hesitate to say yes, and now that it was all settled, James just had to get his stuff out of his dad's house.

James stared out the window and tried to remember how to breathe. So far, he had Kendall pull over twice because he thought he was going to be sick. The usual short drive to his house was taking nearly a half an hour.

"I don't think I can do this," James whimpered as Kendall pulled up in front of his house. His dad's car was in the driveway, and it had never looked more intimidating.

"James, it'll be okay," Kendall reassured him, and from the backseat, Carlos agreed.

"I'm gonna throw up," he moaned, pressing his head against the window. It felt cool against his hot skin.

"James, we'll both be right here if you need us," Carlos told us.

"Just go in, say as little as you can, get your things and get out," Kendall instructed. He glanced at Carlos. "Unless... you want us to go in with you?"

James sighed. Part of him really didn't want to do this alone, but he knew this was something he had to do. "No, no, just..." James sighed again, rubbing his temples. "I have to do this. I've waited way too long and it just needs to be done. I can do this," he added, mostly to convince himself.

Carlos smiled and clapped him lightly on the shoulder. "We're real proud of you bro," James managed a weak smile and nodded before pushing the car door open and starting towards his house. Carlos glanced at Kendall. "If he takes longer than ten minutes, we're calling the police," he said, and Kendall nodded in agreement.

James tried to remember what Kendall had told him; go in, say as little as he could, get his things, and get out. James repeated the mantra in his head as he walked up to his house, standing outside of the front door. It was then that he had started to shake a little, and had to stuff his hands in his pockets. He took a deep breath, and whispered to himself, "You can do this." And then he rang the doorbell. He didn't necessarily know why he rang the bell, because his dad knew that he was coming and he knew why he was coming, but for some reason, it just felt safer than straight up walking inside.

There was a brief pause after he had rung the bell, and swallowing the fear back, James raised his hand to knock on the door just as it had swung open.

He stood there, face to face with his greatest fear, and his heart started to pound hard and fast in his chest. Neither of them said anything, just stared at each other, and even though James and his father were pretty much eye-to-eye when it came to height, the brunette boy felt two feet tall.

After an antagonizing moment of silence, his dad stepped aside, letting James in. Quickly, James entered his house without giving it any second thought. It was now or never.

Walking inside, James made an instant beeline for the stairs. "I- I'm just going to get my stuff," he stuttered, but his dad stopped him, grabbing his forearm.

"James, just leave it," he said. "Just sit down with me and we can talk this through."

James swallowed thickly; he was afraid this would happen. "No - no more talking." he said quickly, and he felt his father's grip around his arm tighten. "I just… I can't be here anymore. Not with you."

There was a moment of silence again before Mr. Diamond roughly shoved James away from him, releasing his arm, muttering, "Just like your mother."

James felt a lump form in his throat and though every fiber of his being was telling him to just go upstairs and get his things, he turned around on the staircase, facing his dad. "Dad, I…" he swallowed thickly. "There are three options, okay?" he said, catching his dad's attention. "I can… tell the police what's been going on here, I can go stay with mom while the two of us try and work this out or… I could stay here, and let you beat me," he finished quietly, hoping that deep down inside of that monster, there was still some love and compassion for his only son. He hoped that his dad would see where he was coming from and want nothing but the best for him. He hoped…

Mr. Diamond shook his head. "I don't beat you James," he said simply, and James lost all the hope he had.

The brunette scoffed, "Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure getting white girl wasted, then beating me over the head with an empty beer bottle on more than on occasion counts as beating me." he muttered, then his eyes widened after registering what had just come out of his mouth. His father took a threatening step forward, and James scrambled backwards up the stairs. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he choked out, fear washing over him like a tidal wave. "I just… dad, can't you see how scared I am of you?" he asked desperately. "Please just understand that I love you, I'll always love you, but I can't be here in this house with you anymore. I don't want to get hurt anymore,"

"Well maybe if you were a better son…" Mr. Diamond muttered.

Okay, that hurt. James swallowed thickly. "Yeah, maybe," he agreed softly. Sniffling, he said, "I don't want to get the police involved, but I will if you don't let me go."

James had expected his dad to completely freak out; to yell and to scream and to start hitting him again. But needless to say, he was taken completely by surprise when his dad muttered, "Good riddance," and turned to walk away. Vaguely he heard, "I'm better off without you anyway," before his dad was completely gone.

James felt the tears welling up in his eyes, and raking a hand through his hair, he mumbled, "Love you too, daddy." because that was how he wanted to see it; in his mind, his dad wasn't saying "good riddance", no he was telling him, "I love you enough to let you go and I love you enough that I want you to be safe."

James didn't care if that thought was farfetched or even a lie; he chose to believe it anyway.

James hadn't said much since leaving his dad's house; in fact, he hadn't said a single word after he told Carlos and Kendall that his dad let him go easy. Even though he shouldn't let his dad's words hurt him, they did. It was like a scar on his heart and it burned with a white hot intensity whenever he thought about it.

Kendall took him to his house afterwards, as James was staying there until he could permanently move in with his mom. And Kendall knew his friend was hurting right now; James always got quiet and unresponsive when he was upset. Neither he nor Carlos pushed him to talk though, they just waited until he was ready.

James was greeted with hugs and kisses from Mrs. Knight and Katie when the three of them arrived back to his house, and his heart ached a little more. A lump formed in his throat but he choked it down, quietly excusing himself to Kendall's room.

The brunette threw himself down onto Kendall's bed, laying there on his stomach and burying his face in his friend's pillows; only then did he let himself start to cry. Tears pooled in his eyes and streamed down his cheeks as he bit his lip, trying to be quiet about it. He felt the bed sink in a little behind him, and someone placed their hand on his shoulder. "What did he say?" Kendall asked him.

James sniffled, not turning around. "Um, it's - it's not important," he mumbled, burying his face deeper into Kendall's pillow.

The blonde went silent for a moment, before leaning in and giving James a somewhat awkward hug from behind and softly murmuring in his ear, "Logan would've been proud," James bit down on his lip harder, shutting his eyes shut tighter. He nodded stiffly in reply and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. Kendall gave his shoulder one more squeeze before leaving James alone in his room, where the brunette boy slowly drifted off to sleep.

"Psst, wakey-wakey," James heard a voice whispering to him as a hand gently nudged him, trying to awake him. He groaned softly upon being woken up, and he rolled over onto his other side. "C'mon, James; wake up!"

"I don't wanna go to school," he mumbled into his pillow.

He heard a soft laugh. "You're not going to school - yet. I just wanna talk to you,"

James scrunched his face up in confusion, still not being able to decipher who was talking to him, and he forced his eyes open, sighing and rolling back over to the other side. His lips curled into a small smile. "Oh. Hey!"

"Hey," Logan chuckled. "Long time no see,"

James sat up, propping himself up against his pillows. "I've missed you,"

"Missed you too," Logan replied with a smile. "But I guess it's kind of a good thing I haven't had to visit you lately; it means you're doing okay. Or at least almost okay."

James chuckled a little. "Almost okay sounds more accurate; I can't remember the last time I was okay, honestly,"

"What about now?" Logan asked him.

"Now, as in, you being here?" James asked.

"No, now as in... after today," Logan said slowly.

James' smile faded some. "Oh. Um, you know about all of that?" he asked, shifting uncomfortably in bed.

"I told you; I'm always with you guys," Logan offered, giving him a small smile. James tried to smile in return but he couldn't muster it up. "So, how are you doing?"

James shrugged. "I'm fine," he replied, a little hesitantly.

Logan's smile wavered a bit. "Are you really?" he asked softly.

"I'm..." James sighed. "I don't know," he admitted.

Logan reached for his friend's hand, which James let him take graciously. "You know, when people are hurt or upset, they say things things they don't mean," he said, obviously trying to make James feel better about what his dad said to him.

James shrugged. "He's said worse things; it's no big deal," he mumbled, not meeting Logan's eyes.

"But it still hurts?" Logan asked, and James nodded. "Look, your dad is a jerk, and you don't deserve what he did to you,"

"Everyone says that but I don't know if I believe it," James said softly.

"Oh, James-"

"I mean, if I really don't deserve it, then why did it happen to me?" he continued. "Why did my mom leave, and why did you have to die, and why does my dad hate me, and why can't I just have a normal, happy life?" to his dismay, tears started welling up in his eyes again and Logan pulled him into a tight hug.

"It's okay, it's okay," he murmured to him, in hopes that he could calm him down. "I know everything seems really crappy right now, but despite what you think, you really don't deserve everything that's happened to you. And it sucks that it did, but you survived everything, and you came out a very brave, and smart, and strong person. And I can say that with the utmost confidence because it's true. You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

James broke their hug, rubbing at his eyes and cracking a small smile. "Are you seriously quoting Winnie The Pooh to me?"

Logan chuckled. "Shut up; you used to love that silly old bear,"

"Yeah, when I was five," James rolled his eyes.

Logan raised an eyebrow. "So it was your evil twin watching Winnie the Pooh last week with Katie?" he asked.

James' cheeks flushed. "Shut up, I was just being nice!"

Logan chuckled, wrapping an arm around James' shoulder and pulling him into a sideways hug. "It's true though; you're brave and strong because you didn't let yourself get hurt anymore."

James' lips twitched into a small smile. "Thanks."

"You can get through this, Jay," Logan continued. "You can get through anything. And just remember that you're not alone. You have Kendall and Carlos, and your mom, and Kendall's mom... and even though I'm not around anymore, I'm always here for you." the familiar lump formed in James throat, and he just nodded in agreement, hugging Logan tighter. Logan smiled at him. "You know, Kendall was right," he told him. James raised an eyebrow, and Logan added, "I'm so proud of you,"

**a/n2: okay so you know how up top I was like 'one/two chapters left'? well here's the thing: i know what the epilogue is going to be, aka the very last chapter, but I wanted one more chapter before I got there. HOWEVER, i kind of don't have an idea for that chapter yet so my plan is that if it takes way too long to think of one more chapter and then write it, then this story's only going to be one more chapter after this one (aka the epilogue will be next). so stay tuned because even I don't know what's going to happen lmao :) and thanks for all your patience and support, I love you all sososososo much!**


	31. Epilogue: A Whole New Beginning

_**REALLY LONG A/N COMING UP. BRACE YOURSELF :)**_

**HEY GUYS I HAVE BIG NEWS :) i'll say it now though: it's not related to this story, but it's still really big news and pretty personal and very exciting so please don't skip this a/n (:**

**Okay so as you all could probably guess, writing is my life and after literally six months of hard work, i can finally say that i'm a published author! Yes, I self-published my novella entitled Where We Belong, and like i said this is a pretty big deal omg like i can't believe i'm really a published author! So yeah, if you're interested in my novella, you can purchase it on amazon here: **

**(without spaces btw) www. amazon Where-We-Belong-Courtney-Carola/dp/1484061004/**

**and i understand if you don't want to buy it or can't, but if you happen to do so then PLEASE TELL ME AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF IT AS IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME :) and yeah, this wouldn't have been possible without the support of those who actually read my writing, whether it be fanfiction or whatever - all of you reading this is in one way responsible for me finally mustering up the courage to put myself out there as an artist. And for that, I thank you :)**

**That being said: proper Save Me a/n! lol**

**So this horrendous thing called FINALS coupled with a QUARTER LIFE CRISIS and a visit to this DARK PLACE OF DOOM AND DEPRESSION CREEPING IN ON ME AND PREVENTING ME FROM LEAVING MY BED FOR AN ENTIRE WEEKEND kind of ruined my writing recently... hence the long ass wait for this update. But I'm better now and finals are all done (still having that quarter life crisis, but it's under control! for now) so yeah. Here it is! ~le dramatic music~ Okay guys, this is it... the end. Really bittersweet but after a year of working on this bad boy, it's finally time to call it quits. I'm really glad I could bring you all along on this journey with me, and if this story has taught you anything, it's that just remember: **

**You are not alone. If you ever feel hopeless or alone like Logan, or if you're in a situation like James with his dad, or you feel helpless like Kendall and Carlos, just remember that there's always going to be someone who loves you and who will listen to you if you need to talk. And trust me, I know what it feels like to be in that dark place where you just think no one cares about you and that you truly are alone, but you really aren't; there's someone out there who really cares about you and loves you and just wants the best for you. And if you still don't believe that, then just remember that I'll always be there for you because I care and I love you. You're worth so much and you were put on this earth for a reason. We've all got one life, and it's up to us to make it a good one. So, thanks again for reading, reviewing, and just being oh-so involved in Save Me; it honestly means the world to me that you guys liked this idea so much for me to develop it into a 29+ chapter story. And for one last time: I don't own anything.**

**Epilogue**  
><em>I believe the world can take and shatter the strongest souls. It's enough for one man to take from knowing his right from wrong. There's no room in the darkness, so bring down these walls. There's no one to believe in, there's no chance at all. Will you save me? I will believe in you. I'll give love, I'll give love - Tyler Blackburn, "Save Me"<em>

In the beginning of senior year, every senior thought this was going to be "their year" - the year where they ruled the school, the year where they called the shots. After all they earned this; from small, insignificant freshman, becoming seniors was probably the biggest thing to happen to most of them. Among them were James Diamond, Kendall Knight, and Carlos Garcia. The three of them had their own agendas, their own plans. James vowed to get the lead in the school's play - again - and ultimately take over the drama department, his area of expertise. Kendall was determined to nail a full ride for his nothing short of superb hockey skills, as this year he was team captain. And Carlos, well Carlos just wanted to get by; he didn't necessarily know where he fit in regarding high school but as long as he survived it, he was happy.

The three ex-friends had gone their separate ways months ago and wanted nothing to do with each other, but if they had one thing in common, it was that they knew this year would be big. After all it was senior year - prom, senior trip, graduation - they were literally going out with a bang. They knew it would be the end of an era; they didn't know it would be the end of a life.

In the beginning of senior year, Logan Mitchell killed himself.

Logan Mitchell was the all around golden boy. He wasn't popular, never had been and he probably never would've been. But he was smart - so smart; he was the kind of smart that obviously knew everything and anything, but didn't make you feel dumb if you didn't know something. And he was so nice to everyone. The two of those qualities kind of made him a target for bullying though, that on top of the fact that he wasn't really aggressive or a fighter. He rarely lost his temper with anyone, and he pretty much took whatever came his way - good and bad. That's what made him Logan.

But like most golden boys, he wasn't what he appeared to be. And in the beginning of senior year when Logan took his life, no one saw it coming.

It was a shock, but if you really knew Logan then it wasn't much of a shock. That was the thing though - no one really knew Logan; not even his best friends.

His best friends... they were the people who should've been able to save him, who should've been able to stop him, who should've been able to help him. But they didn't... they couldn't... because they weren't friends.

It was really stupid, but that didn't matter; what matters is that it happened. The four people that everyone was so sure would be friends forever had a falling out that changed everything. Because when it comes down to it, everything affects everything...

* * *

><p>"This doesn't feel right," James mumbled, his face pressed down into Kendall's couch cushions.<p>

"Wearing a tie?" Carlos asked, still struggling to adjust his. "Yeah, I agree. It's more than annoying, and-"

"No, not the tie, Carlos," James interrupted, rolling over onto his back.

"What are you talking about, James?" Kendall asked him. "And why aren't you ready? We have to leave for graduation soon."

"That's what I'm talking about!" the brunette blurted out. "How can you both get ready for graduation like it's no big deal that Logan won't be there?" The other two boys stilled in their actions. "He would've been the valedictorian," James added in a small voice. "He was looking forward to this day since, like, the fourth grade and... now he's going to miss it."

Kendall sighed, glancing over at Carlos who gave him a look that said, "Fix this. Please," and the blonde walked over to James, sitting next to him. "Jay, it's not that it's not a big deal to us; it is. And it sucks that Logan can't be here but... But we can't stop our lives because of this. Logan wouldn't want us to."

"Besides, wherever he's at, he's watching down on us." Carlos added, leaning over the back of the couch. "He's probably placing bets on which one of us is gonna trip," he joked trying to get James to at least crack a weak smile. He succeeded in that, and the Latino added, "He's still with us, James. And I bet he's really happy that we made it this far."

James, in turn, sighed, and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Yeah... yeah, you're right. I guess I just really miss him today." he managed a weak smile. "When is it supposed to easier again?"

"It's barely been a year," Kendall reminded him. "But I get what you mean. It's still..."

"Rough," James supplied. "Waking up everyday without him here, going on without him here, just... living without him. It's rough as hell."

"You're doing good though," The blonde boy told him. "We all are. This hasn't been the ideal senior year for us, but we survived." he let his lips curl into a smile. "Logan would be proud." A comfortable silence fell upon the three boys after that, only to be interrupted moments later by all three of their phones going off, the alarms they had set reminding them that they needed to leg it to school if they didn't want to be late to graduation. Kendall sighed, breaking the silence. "Well." he said, capturing James and Carlos' attention. "It's time to pop and circumstance."

* * *

><p>To say that the school was a little bit crazed this morning was a bit of an understatement. Before the ceremony started, everyone was just waiting around in different classrooms; some people were crying, almost everyone was taking pictures, so many hugs were given. It was a little bit of insanity, but the best kind of insanity.<p>

Finally the time came where everyone was to line up, and everyone ran around, trying to get into their proper place in line. "You know," James murmured to Kendall as they went to line up with their class. "It's funny."

"What's funny?" Kendall asked, confused.

"A couple months ago, I never would've thought you and I would be standing together and not trying to kill each other," James explained, a small smile on his face. "This... this is a change I'm okay with."

And Kendall smiled at him; no words needed to be said because James knew he was thinking the same thing.

* * *

><p>The graduation ceremony went well. Their principal made a speech that brought almost everyone to tears; especially when he mentioned how they lost Logan, and asked for a moment of silence in his honor. Logan would've been number one in their class, but the three after him all made speeches as well, all of them mentioning him and how they wished he was the one up here making a speech for everyone to hear. After what felt like an eternity and a day, it was finally time for them all to get their diplomas (which was actually just a piece of paper; their real diplomas got mailed to them a few days later).<p>

Kendall, James, and Carlos all prided themselves in the fact that they didn't trip while walking up to get their diplomas, and they smiled widely when they heard their families cheering for them. After everyone in the class was called, their principal said those fateful words: "I now pronounce to you the graduating class of 2012," and everyone threw their caps up into the air. It was a beautiful moment, one that they would never forget. At this moment right here, it was truly the end of an era, just as they suspected it would've been in the beginning of senior year.

This wasn't just an ending for them; it was a whole new beginning.

* * *

><p>"I don't remember this walk being so long," James grumbled as he, Carlos, and Kendall trudged down the street towards the cemetery.<p>

"That's because we usually drive here." Kendall pointed out. "Plus we just spent a couple hours just walking around the track field, and walking to get our diplomas."

"I need a nap," Carlos huffed.

Kendall rolled his eyes. "You're such an old man," he said, pushing open the iron gate to the cemetery.

"I am not!" Carlos insisted. "I just have low blood sugar."

"You ate like three chocolate chip cookies for breakfast," James said, eyebrow raised.

"That was nervous-eating!" Carlos exclaimed. "Graduating is nerve wracking!"

"Tell me about it," Kendall agreed. "I thought I was going to throw up when I was getting my diploma."

"At least you didn't trip," James said.

"True," Kendall shrugged, and he finally came to a stop, Carlos and James halting behind him. "We're here." a shadow of a smile graced his lips. "Hey Logie." The three of them looked down at Logan's headstone. Even after all this time it was hard to believe that it was so... real. That it actually happened.

"Today was graduation," James said to Logan, the three of them kneeling down in front of his plot. "And it was really hard without you, but..." he looked at Kendall and Carlos, smiling a little. "We did it. We made it, and even though we wished you could've been there, we know you'd be proud of us."

"And we brought you something," Kendall added, going inside of his bag to pull out what would've been Logan's graduation cap. "We figured you would still want this," he said, placing it on his plot, moving the tassel off to the side as was done when one graduated.

"We really wish you would've been there today, but we wanted it to feel like you were here as much as possible," Carlos said. "And we all talked about it, and we decided that we were going to open our letters from college here because we all figured that besides graduation, that would be the one thing you would be looking forward to the most."

"We all knew that you would get accepted somewhere amazing, like John Hopkins or Yale," James added. "But if there was one thing you would've been more excited about than getting your acceptance letter, is seeing us get ours."

"And here we are," Kendall sighed.

"Here we are." James echoed. He looked over at Carlos and Kendall. "Who wants to go first?" he asked.

"I will, since mine isn't that big of a deal," Carlos offered, a faint blush creeping on his cheeks. "I, uh, after everything that's happened this year, I've kind of had a change of heart and I kind of don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. So I decided to just apply to a community college and see if I can figure it out," he explained, his fingers twiddling with the envelope a little bit before he started to tear it open.

"Don't be so down on yourself, Los." Kendall told him. "Community college is still college, and it's still a big deal if you get accepted or not."

Carlos smiled a little at that and pulled the letter out of the envelope. James and Kendall watched as his eyes scanned the page and his smile widened significantly. "I got in," he whispered. "I - I'm going to college."

James and Kendall immediately engulfed him in a hug group hug, telling him how happy and proud they were of him. For a long time, Carlos was talking about just not going to college at all. He didn't know what his passion was, he didn't know who he wanted to be or what he wanted to be, but in the long run, he had decided to go. And his friends couldn't have been more proud of him.  
>Carlos turned the letter to face Logan's headstone and he exclaimed, "I got in Logie!" His smile couldn't have been bigger and even though he didn't get a verbal response, he knew Logan was proud.<p>

"Um, I'll got next." James offered, rubbing the back of his neck. "After I realized that NYDA was just something made up by Glee, I decided to apply to Juilliard."

Carlos' eyes widened. "Juilliard?" he repeated.

"That's insane, Jay, why didn't you tell us?" Kendall asked.

James shrugged. "I don't know... my audition was months ago but what if I don't get in?" worry crossed his features as he asked that.

"How could you not?" Carlos asked in reply. "You're one of the most talented people ever!"

"There's only one way to find out, dude," Kendall added.

James took a deep breath and nodded, going to open the envelope. His hands shook a little as he read the letter, and after a few seconds, he just froze, his entire body going rigid, and his eyes widening.

"James...?" Kendall asked, a little afraid of what could be the answer.

James swallowed thickly, and pressed the letter to his chest. "I got in," he said, his voice cracking a little.

Carlos let out a loud, "Oh my gosh!" and tackled James to the ground hugging him, Kendall joining in only moments later. James had resumed shaking again, and kept whispering to himself, "I got in," like he couldn't believe it.

"James, this is incredible!" Kendall said, removing himself from the dogpile so James and Carlos could sit up again.

"We're so proud of you, dude!" Carlos gave him a clap on the shoulder. "Logan would've been proud too," he added.

James couldn't stop smiling, the letter still pressed up to his chest, and nodded in agreement because in his heart, he knew Carlos was right.

"Alright, I guess that means it's my turn," Kendall said, reaching in his bag for his letter. "I applied to the University of Minnesota, because I did some research and apparently 159 players got drafted into the NHL from there. And I applied for a scholarship so..." he took a deep breath. "Here goes nothing I guess." he didn't hesitate to tear the envelope and pull his letter out, running his fingers through his hair as he started to read it. "Oh my God," he breathed, his voice sounding tight as if he was having trouble breathing. "Oh my God."

"What?" James and Carlos both asked together.

"I, I," Kendall tried to speak, but his words just came out like mixed up gibberish, and Carlos had to lean over his shoulder to read the letter.

With a wide smile on his face, Carlos exclaimed, "He got a full ride!" pulling Kendall into a tight hug.

James let out a cheer, pulling a very stiff and shocked Kendall into a hug. "We should've brought party poppers!" he said.

"I don't think party poppers are acceptable in cemeteries." Carlos pointed out.

"True, we'll party pop later then!" James declared. "Kendall this is fantastic!"

Kendall turned to Logan's headstone. "I did it, Logie." he whispered. "I did it." he ran his fingers through his hair again. "You know even though you aren't with us Loges, I - we wouldn't have been able to make it through the past eighteen years without you."

"The next eighteen are gonna suck without you," Carlos continued. "And it's going to be hard, but we know that you wouldn't want us to put our lives on hold because of what happened. We know that you would want nothing but the best for us in our futures. But it's going to be really, really hard. And there's some things that none of us are ready to let go of; you were one of them, Loges. But we talked and we decided for us really let go and move on, we were going to leave a piece of us with you. So we each got something of ours that means a lot to us, and we're going to leave them with you; we're going to leave behind something from the past so we can focus on the future."

"And if you hadn't guessed it, we've all been going to therapy; hence Carlos' new vocab," James teased, playfully nudging his shoulder and Carlos rolled his eyes.

"So I'll go first," the Latino said, reaching into his backpack. "And I chose my helmet." he looked at the hunk of black plastic in his hands fondly, and smiled. "I figured I'd look pretty stupid wearing this in college." he chuckled lightly. "This... this helmet has really been something; it's protected me from having severe brain damage, but it's also made me brave. I know that sounds stupid, but whenever I wore this helmet, I felt brave." he looked up at Logan's headstone. "I don't... I don't need to depend on it anymore. If this year has taught me anything, it's that I'm definitely braver than I thought." he gently placed his helmet on the patch of dirt in front of Logan's headstone, next to the bouquet of roses and said, "Take care of it for me."

"I'll go," James offered, and reached into his pocket. "I chose my lucky comb."

Kendall's and Carlos' jaws both dropped in shock. "I'm pretty sure this is the sign of the apocalypse." Kendall said.

James cracked a small smile. "Shut up," he said. "I'm sure you all know how much my lucky comb means to me, but recently it hasn't been working as well as it used to," he joked. "I guess because I sort of grew up and realized that luck was what you make of it. And I plan on making my own luck from here on out." he placed his lucky comb next to Carlos' helmet. "But maybe it'll be lucky for you, Logie." he said softly. He paused for a moment. "But when I die and my hair looks like hell, I want it back." he said.

Carlos and Kendall both laughed, shaking their heads. They honestly hadn't expected anything less.

Kendall sighed, reaching inside of his bag, knowing he was next. "I chose this," he said and produced a hockey puck from his bag. "This was the hockey puck from our first game we ever played."

"You kept that?" Carlos asked.

"I kind of stole it when the ref wasn't looking," the blonde admitted. "But yeah, I mean, it's sentimental and crap. And it was the first game winning goal I've ever shot."

"The first of many," James said.

Kendall sighed, looking down at it. "Logan, you were always my biggest fan." he said. "And I never really got to thank you for that. And I know it's probably a little too late for that now but... thank you so much. I didn't always tell you, but you meant so much more to me than you ever could've imagined."It was silent between the three of them for a moment and Kendall looked at his friends, a sudden admiration in his eyes. "You guys too. I never got the chance to actually thank you both either," he said softly. "Because you guys... you saved me from myself. And I just... thank you. I really needed you guys and I'm glad you were there."

Carlos gave him a sort of lopsided smile and threw his arm around his shoulder. "You were there for us too, bro. Don't forget to give yourself credit for that."

"And at the risk of sounding cliched," James added. "We've always been there for each other, and we always will. I think we all kind of learned that nothing can change that."

Blinking back tears, Kendall smiled and nodded, then gave one last look to Logan's headstone. Heaving a heavy sigh, he placed the hockey puck on the small patch of dirt, and whispered, "Thank you," because if it hadn't been for Logan, the three of them wouldn't have known just how much they needed to be saved.

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><p><strong>an2: FIN :') I may have been in tears by the end lol. But thank you for being with me on the journey that was this story, and I hope you enjoyed it. xoxo.**


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